Mommy is Cranky

Almost a full year later

2011-09-13T13:47:00.003-04:00

wow - a week less than a year since I last posted!. So, what's happening here? The exact same stuff as last year. Which is part of why I stopped posting here. Also, as with my other blog, posting became something I was making myself do, just to keep a "current" post on top. I still like the idea of blogging, but I'm just not making it a priority in my life right now. One day...

A bit geeky

2010-09-20T11:26:00.005-04:00

During our homeschool session, 4 yo GR asked me how high I can count.
"Well, in theory I can count to 999,999,999,999,999,999" (aren't we both glad I didn't put that into words?)
"How long would it take you to count that high Mommy?"
"A very, very long time"
"OK but HOW LONG?"
let's put some math brain cells to work and see...
just supposing I could count 1 number per second, which I can't, and supposing I never needed to pause for anything - ever - it would take MORE than 31,709,791,900 YEARS to count that high. So, sorry GR, you will not be getting a demonstration... Trillions of years!

What is after quadrillion anyway?

Finally - a good weekend

2010-08-30T09:23:00.002-04:00

So, we've been in our new arrangement for more than a month. We've had 6 weekends now and this was the first one that wasn't a disaster. There are plenty of things to complain about still, like how he didn't do any household chores, but he did feed the kids dinner on Friday and breakfast on Saturday while I was down for the count with shoulder/neck pain. Most of all, we didn't argue. There were a couple of very brief spats due to differences in "communication methods", but that's it. Of course this may have had something to do with the fact that he was busy much of Saturday taking care of his elderly father, but I'm going to mark this in the win column and leave it at that.

2nd 1st day of school, crazy week & maddening weekend

2010-08-22T19:27:00.002-04:00

Yes, second first day of school. As in my first child had a second first day of school one week after her first first day of school. Confused? Well, some of you know that I'd been homeschooling and that I do Montessori Method. If I had chosen to do homeschool with no other agenda, I would have been simply eclectic, however, my public school system has a Montessori program in 3 of it's schools. The thing is that the rules of the county make it very difficult to get in unless you live in the neighborhood. But, there is a slim chance which widens ever so slightly as the kids get older IF they've had previous Montessori experience - hence our Montessori homeschool. So, this past year I had an odyssey traversing the administrative offices' policies, personnel, red tape, and their physical office move. It culminated in a frustrating phone conversation where the woman ultimately told me, I can't give you the actual information you're trying to find over the phone, but I can tell you it is very unlikely you'll get in this year. Which of course meant at the end of the business day on the second day of school, I get a call from the department that handles this stuff. Only, she called my cell so I didn't get the message until the next day and she never answered her phone or returned calls so I finally went up there (thanks Violin Mama for watching the kiddos while I did it!) and found out that we did indeed get into the Montessori program!! So, I had to scramble around to get all the paperwork, fill in forms, meet unknown deadlines, find new school supplies and prepare my child for a big change. Not to mention, we now had to be leaving the house at the same time as we normally sit down for breakfast. As you may have noticed in the photo, she's got a big 'ole bagel in her hand as we head out. Also, she's not wearing her bird shoes because only one of them was where it was supposed to be and 10 minutes of searching didn't yield it up. ugh.
So, a great portion of my week was spent trying to figure out the least time consuming way of making our new commute - 1.5 hours total drive time plus time in the carpool line, which has been just a couple of minutes in the morning but about 35 in the afternoons. BUT SHE'S IN!! (and now that it's been a week she seems settled)

Then there's the part which I didn't speak about in my last school post... my marriage.
I believe I may have mentioned here that I would be happy if Joe got a job out of town for a while to give us a break. Well, my wish was answered and he now works out of town during the week. And you know what? It really is easier here without him. No, I don't get a break, but I also don't have all the extra work that having him around means. Cleaning up his messes, doing his laundry, dishes and well, him. But the last 3 weekends have been really hard. I just spent some time typing out the "highlights" of his bad behavior, but it was getting tedious even to me and I'm the one who needs to vent, so I erased it. It was as it always is, his words are one thing and his actions are another plus he is in general a slob. At this point, I guess I honestly do have to look at this as my problem and figure out what to REALLY do because clearly his words and actions are never going to match up. I'm not married to the man that exists only on thin air, I am married to the man that does the actions that I find unacceptable. Divorce is so tempting, but it is not just me here. I know, "they" say don't just stay together for the kids, but really, what else is there to do? My fears of the unknown and hopes for the future kept me from returning to school (we chose for him to return instead and he's barely had a job since then - a decade ago), so there's the low income potential for me and I just don't believe I can rely on him to pay child support - one of those words vs. actions things. And frankly even if money weren't an issue I don't feel I can subject the kids to his solo parenting. Aside from all the problems that would cause them, I'd have to be the one to try and straighten it out every week so we'd be back on the school schedule. I'd always be the "bad cop." It's bad enough that I'm the only one who's always a parent, but at least here I can keep us more consistent so I don't always have to be the "mean" one. Although, I wouldn't be the mean one since he can usually only spend about 15 minutes with the kids before losing his temper. I've timed it. He lasted a whole 30 minutes on Friday before he laid down on the couch and yelled at the kids to be quiet and leave him alone so he could "finally relax" & watch baseball. He's so lonely, so bored and misses us so badly during the week, but I guess 30 minutes is all he really needs to fill the void. Blah, blah blah right? You're tired of hearing me say this crap? Me, too.

Crazy Weekend + 1st day of school

2010-08-09T10:00:00.005-04:00

Well, not crazy but so busy I thought I might go crazy. For one thing TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!! So of course I had a ton of last minute things to do. And with Joe's new schedule the weekends are already jam packed.

I wouldn't normally show these here but I'm just amazed at a few things about these shoes.
1. That AT specifically requested robins and rejected the idea of a cartoony or falsely colored bird
2. That I've never painted birds before, not even to practice for these shoes, but think that came out pretty good
3. I painted something that I didn't want to immediately toss out

A few weeks ago I was dreaming wistfully of the day I could go to BlogHer, but I never really paid attention to when it happened so I didn't realize until yesterday that even if I could go, I still couldn't because it falls on the weekend before the start of school for us. That being the case I didn't even have time to log on for BlogHer@Home. I will visit all of you sweet ladies who paid me a visit though.

I tell you what, getting up before 6AM is kicking my butt! I'm trying to help myself out by putting cooked breakfast and dinners in the new freezer, getting the kids an alarm clock and setting one downstairs to give us a 5 minute warning. Another thing that I'm sure all of the parents - and teachers - would have found helpful is if the school had told us that the start time this year is 10 minutes earlier than previous years. Yeah, that's right. Even the teachers didn't know about it until this morning. I'm trying to pass that off as a side effect of chaos caused by furlough days leaving the teachers and staff only 2 pre-planning days to get everything together and not take it as a foreboding sign for the rest of the year.

AT is in 1st grade but this is her first time at "real" school. We did a combo of homeschool and short day school last year. Poor thing worries about so much. Among other fears, I had to help her talk through what to do if there is a tornado or if the power goes out. In the end I got a little smile and wave as she walked down to her class with neighbor E. Not a tear was shed, by either of us, though we both got close.

The rest of the crazy part of the weekend had to do with Joe, which should be no surprise. But I'll save that for another post instead of adding it onto this one.

While the blogger is away

2010-07-13T15:34:00.002-04:00

stuff gets done.
On the bright side for my husband:
Joe is about to start a contract position so the next 4-6 months are covered cash wise.
His portfolio was spotted by an HR rep for a college and he was asked to submit a CV and a brainstormed list of classes he could teach at in Industrial Design department - in Singapore. While I thought it might be a great adventure for 2 years he said "Not Singapore and not with 3 kids". It was a boost for him though.
His work was featured on an industry website this week. (His work has been in magazines and on TV before but those were client jobs and not purely his own creation)
At this moment he is working on commissioned art for a national ad campaign. For a company you have all heard of, but which I won't mention because the associated item hasn't been made yet and he may be under a confidentiality agreement. Which is really neat because ad agencies usually use graphic artists. They contacted him directly from his main portfolio. That damn thing which I've complained about is finally starting to pay for itself. Starting to.

Also:
He finally agreed to let me use the empty and for sale house to have an indoor sale. Like an estate sale, except I didn't have to die to sell off my junk.
On that note, he finally hired someone to repair the squirrel damage at that house.
He also agreed to go to Ikea with me to buy some organizational furniture (read shelves, armoires and dressers)
He deep cleaned the master bath - that was only 6.5 years in the making. (I've cleaned it during that time of course, but it was on his self-imposed to do list since I was pregnant with our eldest child and he just accomplished it this weekend)
He repaired the various damaged spots in the sheet rock all around the house.

Which meant:
I finish sanded lots of sheet rock patches, cleaned up LOTS of dust and primed all the spots and the rest of the kitchen and stairwell going down to the basement. I don't particularly like the tan from the living and dining rooms in there, but I like it better than white primer and I like it WAY better than the blue it was. You know since I have had 2 tone orange cabinetry for the last few years. Light orange, dark orange and BLUE? No thanks. This is the only picture available that shows it. And my messy countertops.

And now we're also preparing to rearrange the house and use some of that new furniture. Which also means we're finally taking the TV out of the living room. Which I thought I'd be fine with, more than fine with, but now that it's here I feel slightly apprehensive. Silly right?

Finally, I have nothing to do with it, but my brother proposed to his girlfriend, making her officially my FSIL. They're hoping to get married in October - of this year! Since she doesn't have nieces or young cousins I may be back in "flower girl dress" sewing mode very soon. I'm going to ask him tomorrow when we get together for dinner and talk about our plan to build beds for my kids (YAY!)

So, that's not all but it's good enough for now. I've got to perform emergency surgery on a frog's red thread nostril and then get back to painting. If you don't have to, don't ever paint your own ceilings. This is my 7th one and I loathe it, especially since it's so high up over the stairs.

My son hates me

2010-06-30T16:57:00.003-04:00

No, really he does and tells me so often. Then as soon as he's calmed down he tells me he's sorry and that he loves me. I think I'd be surprised by the statement at any age, but at 2 I was shocked, especially since neither of his older sisters have said it. Of course, the shock was tempered by the unbearable cuteness of his 2 year old voice saying "I hadge you Mommy." It actually took me a few repeats to understand him the first time he said it.

My reaction is always calm but my response varies: "I love you anyway" "It hurts my feelings when you say that" "We don't tell our family we hate them" "That's not nice" "[blatant ignoring]". Today we hit a new high (or is it a low?) when seemingly out of the blue, AK walks into the kitchen while I was making sandwiches and announces, in a rather cheerful tone, "I hadge you Mommy" I ignored him. He continues "I hadge you if you Spiderman... I hadge you if you a robot." Ignoring. "You hear me? I hadge Spiderman Mommy." ... "I hadge Robot Mommy" ... "I hadge you Mommy" Finally I respond, "Did you say you hate Spiderman Mommy?"
"Yes"
"And you hate Robot Mommy?"
"Yes"
"But I thought you LOVED Spiderman and robots."
"Yes, I do."
"Why do you hate me? I love you."
"Because, yeah."
"It makes me sad when you say that"
"I don't make you sad. I fwighten you Mommy. I send a big robot to fwighten you!" {giggle}
"I'm not afraid of robots, but my feelings are hurt when you say you hate me. Do you want to hurt my feelings?"
"... ... I WUDGE YOU MOMMY!"

------------------------------------------------

I was nearly ready to post this on 6/12/10 when I went off to shower and we got the bad news

In the time that has passed since I started this post till now an interesting twist has occurred. Even though robots are #1 in AK's heart he has taken to calling Joe or I a robot when he's angry with us. "You a robot Mommy!" I don't know which I find funnier, the hadge or that he calls us his favorite thing in the world when he's angry.

I clearly have an emotional little guy on my hands I just hope we're equipped to handle it. And, perhaps more importantly, to teach him how to handle it.

Added 7/6/10: Since then, not only am I a robot when he's mad at me, I'm a "Bad Robot". I find this all quite funny, I keep that inside, but I'm still not sure that it's a good thing!

The passing of a friend

2010-06-12T14:20:00.010-04:00

This morning our caller ID displayed a name I didn't recognize so I didn't answer it. But it turned out to be a female friend from far in my husband's past. I don't know that Joe had talked to this woman since he moved to Atlanta nearly 15 years ago. He was about to simply call her back when he noticed there was a message. It turned out to be another friend calling from this woman's house to let Joe know that a mutual friend had passed away. It was more than just their mutual friend though, this man was Joe's best friend, Butch (his nickname).

I wasn't there so I can't really say when he became cemented in my husband's life as his best friend but I believe they've known each other for 25 years or so. Not living in the same state, I didn't get to know Butch very well, but it was never like being around a stranger. He was the best man at our wedding and fit right in with my family at the rehearsal dinner. A little bit loud, a little bit silly and full of laughter. He and Joe could talk on the phone for hours - way longer than I ever spend on the phone. They had spoken last week making the beginnings of a plan for Butch to come visit us again. He'd been here a few times in the past couple of years, most notably a stay in the fall of 2008. What was supposed to be a 3 day stay, while a specialized mechanic fixed his motorcycle, turned into 10 days I think, maybe longer. And the reason I can't remember is that having him here was natural in a way. He fit in with us. An early riser, one morning he went out before we were awake and bought construction paper, markers, crayons and glue (I chuckled at him at the time because I found it so funny that he didn't realize I'd have all those things. And then he chuckled at himself.) Then after breakfast he sat at the dining room table drawing, coloring, cutting and pasting. He and the girls made paper dolls of each of us, a boat, a shoebox car, Christmas decorations and other masterpieces. I think they stayed there until lunch time. That's when he became Uncle Butch.
I'm not a natural picture taker so all I could find were the prints from our wedding which I have scanned, but they seem to capture the twinkle in his eye when he smiles.
Goodbye, Uncle Butch, you are loved and missed.

OOTW: What I wore on my anniversary

2010-06-01T08:06:00.000-04:00

So, the results of my "poll" were mixed. The early comments picked the strapless satin dress as did my sister. Elisa, who's good taste I've mentioned before, Joe and my mother all picked the black dress. In the end, I picked the black dress. I was able to remove the bow from the front and get the cotton to heal. I also didn't wear the patent peep-toes in the original photos but rather matte leather sandals with about a 2 inch heel, though they look flat in the photo.
I'm glad that I went with this combo if only due to the fact that the restaurant wasn't as fancy as Joe thought it was and I would have been way out of place in the pink dress.

Sorry, I forgot to crop the photo and I'm too lazy to go back into PS again!

I wore my wedding jewelry which is white gold and pearls. It's hard to see here, but I like it just as much now as when I bought it. It's delicate and modern and one of the few things that expresses my thoughts on traditions. Well, traditional jewelry anyway.

I don't accept "Boys will be boys"

2010-05-28T09:29:00.002-04:00

as an excuse for bad behavior. Sure boys are more likely to be obsessed with modes of transport, super heroes and sports. More likely to run around the park, sweating for an hour straight, to climb anything that stands still for 2 seconds, and to wrestle anybody near the same size and plenty of people who are more than twice his height as well. But, we all know they don't have a corner on the "boy" behavior market just as well as we know that even boys who exhibit all these typical traits might be found wearing fairy outfits while caring for doll babies.

The problem is when they relish in their aggressive play, and even just plain aggressiveness. Particularly when "they" is the nearly 3 year old boy that sprang forth from me after his 2 sisters. Laughing when he wrestles his protesting sister to the ground, smacking at some one for each irritation, greeting Aunts and Uncles with a barrage of punches {edited to add - this was playing for him, but damn he's strong and accurate!} (though they are the rough play types & responded to this in a positive reinforcement way {and adding that they would never let him get away with this if he were doing it out of frustration or for any reason to another kid}), refusing to apologize and worst of all laughing in our faces when we reprimand him. We're getting to our wits end. Which means we lose our tempers when dealing with him. But if we walk away to collect ourselves, that leaves him free to continue to beat up on his sisters. I certainly don't want to send the message of "I've seen you, I know what you are doing and I'm ignoring it." I think to a 3 year old that's almost as good as saying "What you just did is fine." At any rate, when we return to discipline we're still facing a child who will most likely laugh, refuse to say sorry and fight time out which will take 15-20 minutes before getting 3 minutes of compliance out of him.

Sure our girls have behaved this way on occasion, but I doubt even in their combined 10 years it was as many times as their brother displayed this behavior in a month. How do you deal with the pernicious side of "boys being boys?"

*Edited to add what our current methods are. Let's say he smacked his sister because of something at breakfast AND that we didn't have the additional issue of defiance and laughter. Get down on eye level. Tell him "We do not hit people" & "Tell your sister that you're sorry you hit her" (which included the words and a hug or other gentle touch) & "Now say 'No more hitting'" -- Then he does it again later. Get down on eye level. Tell him "You hit her, we do not hit people when we are mad" then the rest followed by "If you hit again you have to go to timeout" and if he does it again, he has to apologize then go to timeout until he stays there quietly for 3 minutes. Now, the reason he gets 2 (or is it 3?) chances is that he's little and I understand that he is still working out what to do when he's angry. His 4yo sister would get 1 chance and his 6yo sister wouldn't get any - for the violation of hitting or like behavior that is. We are not a spanking family, but both of us were raised in that environment. Since the defiance and laughter incenses my husband more than it does me, I am the one who has to handle it. But regardless of who handles it - this method is not working. And frankly, by the time we get to the 3rd or 4th cycle in a day of this whole routine, it is more yelling than stern talking to.

TV?

2010-05-26T21:31:00.004-04:00

I did a pretty good job with AT, she didn't really watch TV until I got into the second trimester of my pregnancy with GR. So she was about 18 months at the time and I was more tired than she was on some days - the days she didn't go to preschool to be exact. I could easily have held off longer if only I weren't so tired. Oh well. By the time AK entered the world I had a 4yo and an 18month old so TV became an enticement, during the many, many nursings, to keep GR from drawing on the walls in the next room. While there are plenty of days that we don't watch TV, there are plenty that we watch a few shows and then I'll admit, on those days when sleep deprivation hits me like a
and I cannot stay awake as much as I try, the TV is on more than I even know. But still, for all these years I made myself one promise - I will not put TVs in my children's bedrooms. Then during spring break my 9yo niece stayed with us and the kids were driving me crazy so I begged Joe to drag the extra TV out of storage in the basement so they could watch a DVD in bed so I could decompress before bedtime routines. And he did, and they watched a movie and the TV stayed upstairs. At first, I moved it to the playroom, I could only slide it on the floor and I wanted it out of their room, and they could play Click Start in there. Then came a really long day, with excellent behavior from all my kids on a really tough day. As a reward they wanted a movie, but again I needed some peace so I scooted that TV right back into their room. And now I am that mom. I suppose it remains to be seen if I can stick to my new rules now that it's summer. There's only a DVD player and my main rules are that it can't be more than once a week, viewing can only start after PJs and teeth brushing and it must be completed before bedtime. I don't think that will be too hard, but if I find myself tempted to let it slide... I think I'll have to make Joe take the TV back down to the basement.
What are your rules for TV watching during school and during summer.

10th Anniversary Chronicle

2010-05-23T19:15:00.000-04:00

Since I ended up giving almost a play-by-play of Mother's Day, I thought I would do the same for this day, my actual anniversary, and for our celebration day which will be Saturday. It's got to be better than the last special day simply for the fact that he is actually involved in the planning, nay, is doing most of the planning. So far, he has arranged childcare, researched restaurants and made reservations, picked out his clothes and has something to do for which he needs a couple of hours alone in the house before Sat.
This morning I was woken with gentle whispers of "Happy 10th Anniversary." Right at this moment, he is at the coffee shop where he hangs out doing his "work" with AK in tow. This was so that I could have a few minutes peace this morning to finish showering and eat breakfast - and to blog, though I'm sure he didn't have that specifically in mind! HAHA!
Now, I'm going to hit "publish" and then come back through the day / weekend to report on his progress. Hopefully, this will all be done with a smile on my face.

It's now nearly 6pm on Thursday. I've been doing power shopping and at least have something to wear to the apparently fancy restaurant we're going to. I actually bought 3 dresses but will only keep one, 2 pairs of shoes, though one has already been returned and a purse that I will replace if I find something better. I usually only buy things if they are on the upper end of "good enough", but I've got no time to waste and "OK" is better than nothing! However, I haven't been able to find what I want in a gift for Joe, grr. Normally I don't like to leave things like this to the last minute but I didn't know we were going to celebrate with the same budget we'd have if Joe was working. I'm not sure what I thought we'd do, but I've already spent more on clothes than I thought we'd use for presents. I only did that because last night Joe told me he's taking me to a semi-fancy restaurant, which to us means entrees start at $30, so I figured I should have a dress that costs at least as much as my meal will and nothing in my closet qualified for that save my bridesmaid's dress from last summer! I realize this isn't exactly an update on his behavior, but I haven't seen him since I picked AK up just after my initial post.

It's Friday, yesterday evening Joe returned home and took the kids outside for something mysterious. They returned and presented me with cards and roses and the night returned to normal. So, now I've just got to figure out what to wear!

Sunday: Yesterday was a whirl of activity to get ready for our date. We went tie shopping for Joe and I did find a gift for him - though I think I've about had it with our regular jewelry store. It's a funky store in midtown that carries a lot of modern and unusual items and we've been going there since before we got married. I saw exactly what I wanted in the front case so that part took about 5 minutes, but I was still in there nearly 45 minutes mostly waiting to get the sale completed by one of the 4 salesclerks - 2 of which were not helping other customers and they're the 2 that have been there a long time ugh! OK enough of that!
We went to a "continental" restaurant. Joe had a rustic thin crust margherita pizza and I had grilled lamb. Both were OK but we've had better of each. Then after dinner I was describing just the kind of dessert I'd like to have while we were waiting for our server to return so we could ask for the dessert menu. When she did return she carried a plate in her hand with a dessert that perfectly satisfied my craving! With a candle in it complements of the house as she noticed our gift exchange so knew we were celebrating. It was ricotta cake with a poached pear. That earned an eyes-rolling-MMMM from both of us. Afterward we went to our favorite dessert spot, though Joe had a coffee "cocktail" and I had another glass of wine.
So, gifts. While Joe and I appreciate traditions we are not what you would call "traditional". We both wanted to get the other a ring but neither could find just what we wanted, at least not in stock. Men's rings were gimmicky or wedding bands and the women's rings were too complicated to fit his idea & were frequently made with yellow gold. In the end we were able to find rings that fit the bill. This is a similar ring by the same company. While the sapphire ring is a close enough image I found on-line. (We had to exchange the rings we presented each other to order ones in our size)

Poor posture

2010-05-22T11:58:00.004-04:00

The standard directions for correct posture often sound like "Pull back your shoulders and pull your tummy in but not your rear" oh.kay. I never really knew what that meant until I looked at my side view in the mirror and analyzed it. Pull back your shoulders so the joint in in line with your hip joints. Pull in your tummy to make your core muscles, in this case your abs, do their job and it keeps you from pushing your sternum out when you pull your shoulders back (a sternum sticking out is what makes your chest say "HEY Here are my boobs!"). Don't stick your butt out because it knocks your spine out of alignment and don't pull it in when you do your abs because it rounds your back and makes it hard to keep your shoulder and hip joints in line. Now, just because I know what correct posture is and what that looks like on me, doesn't mean I usually do it. However, here is a photo that shows the difference. Consider that I only have an A cup, so if you're more endowed the difference will be bigger. Your breasts wouldn't just recess like mine do, they'd appear droopy and they'd press on your abdomen, which would just make your tummy look that much bigger.

What I'm wearing?: Anniversary Edition

2010-05-21T16:01:00.003-04:00

I mentioned in my Chronicle that I didn't know what our budget would be for this special occasion (heck, if you've been reading you may remember that I wasn't sure that I even wanted to celebrate it). But after talking to Joe Wednesday night, it was clear he intends to budget as though he had a job, so I guess that's what we're going to do. The problem is, that in order to feel like I'm dressed appropriately for a nice restaurant, I'd need to go shopping. I'll save you the details of why I have a hard time finding clothes that fit, but I only found 2 things yesterday and I don't know which to wear! What do you think?
They both need to be ironed, so ignore that. Joe and I each like a different one. I'm not fond of big sash bows on grown women, but both of these dresses have it. I think I need to try to take that bow off the front of the first one, but it's not just tacked on so I'm not sure the cotton underneath isn't scarred. And the second one, well take a look for yourself...

A free lesson on why correct posture is important

In the first photo, I'm standing correctly, but the shine and pleats don't exactly complement my baby belly (as in what was left AFTER babies). The middle one is also correct posture. The problem is that I don't always - or usually - stand with correct posture and the last photo is unflattering on the whole torso. (I noticed 2 things about the side views, the dress itself doesn't stick out past my butt, that's the sash and even though these 2 show the straps, I think I'll wear it strapless) Also, the cotton dress doesn't "hide" my baby belly, but since it's not pleated or shiny, it doesn't accent it either. So both dresses have their issues, but they're my choices. I need your honest opinion, unless you're going to tell me I look like a hag or resemble a troll, that opinion you can keep to yourself HA!

Almost there

2010-05-17T22:28:00.001-04:00

Just a few days until my 10th anniversary. If you're one of my regulars, you know that Joe really screwed up Mother's Day - again. He has some behaviors that aren't acceptable, but I let his history excuse them away. It's not like he's a BAD guy.
I know that his trust issues come from being devastated by his first love. I know that his worth issues come from the horrible things his family said to him. I know that his abandonment issues come from his mother leaving for rehab with nothing really explained to him. I know his over-protectiveness comes from love and being very afraid of losing it - the first true love he has known. I know his self-centered-ness comes from having 2 of the most self-centered people I know as parents. When his mother was living with us she told me she had NO recollection of EVER telling Joe that she loves him. NONE. But that she was inspired by hearing us say it to each other and to her, to say it to us and to say it often. It wasn't, self-centered as she was, that she didn't love him, she just never verbally expressed it. It was quite possible her family never said it to each other when she was growing up either.
So, I know these things so it is hard to not let his crappy behavior get a pass. BUT I've been living with it for about 12 years AND with the words he uses to tell me that he is not the person still held back by those things, that through our relationship he is getting free and is changing. HOWEVER, progress is SLOW or not at all. I'm just tired of excuses all around. His reason for crappy Mother's Day, "It's not you, it's that all Mother's Days have been crappy." What? So one more is OK then? It's OK that because life surrounding us is crap that you don't have to try to carve out something special for me - for our kids to learn?
I'm so sick of hearing him talk, of hearing promises and plans, of excuses and denials. I'm tired of telling him that I want a marriage to the man he says he is & not the man he acts like. I'm tired of being the one to implement the plans for change that we make together only to find out that I'm the only one doing the work. I'm tired of living down to his level. He said a big mouthful of words tonight. I told him that if he went through with it, the actions would go a long way in fixing things for us. We'll just have to see if it happens, frankly I'm not holding my breath. And that makes me sad.

Me without makeup: Status Quo

2010-05-14T14:30:00.005-04:00

I heard about this idea on twitter #bloggerswithoutmakeup
Here is a link to the original meme author, Mummy Mayhem, I know nothing else about her, though
Today bloggers are encouraged to show a photo of themselves without make up. The idea is that we feel perfectly comfortable putting all kinds of real, TMI stories about ourselves out there but pick perfectly coiffed and digitally adjusted photos to post.
Actually, I do wear mineral makeup base powder most days, but since the only easily seen aspect of my olive skin is the grease slick across my face, most of the powder gets wiped off before lunch. (as evidenced in the shiny forehead, which isn't too bad here but I still SO wanted to photoshop it out) Since this was taken after dinner there likely isn't any left. At any rate, it is only 1 of 3 photos, from the same night, that exist on my new computer and Joe has the camera.

I love the slightly worried, slightly perplexed look on my son as he gazes up at my bare face. Possibly he's wondering just how I got into that awkward posture - so am I. I'm making my head go forward, tilt sideways and look up all at the same time. Which I'm not sure I could recreate IRL, but so many photos of me exist with that pose! Hey, I figured that since finding me without make up is easy, I'd go ahead and take the challenge to be real to mean showing an unflattering pose. HAHA!

Looking back on a Sucky Sunday

2010-05-11T07:38:00.001-04:00

Comments made by my family and by my lovely internet friends and visitors have led to more thought on the events last Sunday, aka Mother's Day.

1. Did he remember to do something for his mother?
Well... his mother died earlier this year, but in the past, no. I was the one who purchased and sent the card.

2. Did his feelings about the loss of his mother affect his behavior this year?
Perhaps, but this was just par for the course and not out of the ordinary.

3. What will I do for Father's Day?
A couple of years ago he gave me a 6 pack of a candy bar that is OK, but that I've never purchased for myself. For Father's Day that year, he received that very same pack of candy bars. It took a couple of weeks for him to realize it. I'm not sure how I give this back to him, but I like the suggestion from Alex to leave him with the kids so he can BE a father on Father's Day.

4. Did he go on to do anything to revive the day?
Not really. We got home quite late (OK it was 10:30 but that's late for a family with small kids) as he had to stop at the home where his father lives (it's not fully a nursing home) to change a bandage from surgery he had the other day. I was dead tired and climbed into bed fully clothed and with my glasses on. In recent years when I fall asleep with my glasses on, chances are I would wake up several hours later and take them off and turn off the lamp. In the past it was practically a given that Joe would remove them and turn off my lamp. Last night he took off my glasses and my jeans. He put pajama pants and socks on me. Exhibiting the kind of behavior that is part of why I fell in love with him was good, but really speaks to other issues between us rather than the MD debacle.

5. If this is typical, where do we go from here?
I do not know.

Thanks for listening guys.

Seriously, I have a right to love Mother's Day

2010-05-10T13:33:00.002-04:00

So in case you missed all the joy contained in my Mother's Day post here's a recap:
My morning started out by being woken up to clean pee off the floor so Joe could go back to sleep. I "made" breakfast, changed and dressed everyone, packed up supplies to go to my parents' procured lunch, and reminded my children to tell me "Happy Mother's Day."
That more than covers what I wrote about yesterday.
Once we finally arrived at my parents' Joe gave me a cursory apology and was ticked that I gave him my cheek when he wanted to "kiss and make up." "Is that all I get?" he asked, "Maybe I'll feel like kissing you when you feel like you're actually sorry," I replied to which he said "Well, I'm not going to give you the present until you kiss me for real." And off he went on an unnecessary errand with my dad, leaving me with the kids and another poopy diaper. They returned and mom and I went to rent a chick flick (which he complained about - both us leaving and our choice in movie) My dad made dinner, fixed our plates and later made & served us brownie sundaes. After dinner, I said it was time for presents and got snapped at because he even though his plate was empty, he wasn't done eating. So the kids passed out their cards and photos were snapped. He asked if I was going to kiss him so I could get my present. I asked if he were going to give me a real apology. So he said he was sorry and seemed sincere until he made me kiss him several times until I got it "right" - annoying!
He did the dishes (!) and watched the rest of the movie without any further complaints. But when it was time to leave, he came to announce it to me in a way that was clear he expected me to go get them ready argh! Instead I said "Well, have them potty, brush teeth and get in the car" and he huffed but sort of did the tasks. So that's it. I really can't believe that last year, when I still had to clean, change and dress the kids, feed them lunch, pack everything needed to leave the house, endure his bitching the whole weekend still counts as the best Mother's Day ever.

Mother's Day's a bitch, no wait, my husband's just an ASS

2010-05-09T09:31:00.002-04:00

This morning, I was woken up to the sound of my husband bursting through the bedroom door (it only opens quietly if you do it on purpose) and then slamming it shut. "What's wrong?" I ask. He replies in a loud and gruff voice, "AT peed on the floor, right in front of the refrigerator. She's cleaning it up." And he goes into the bathroom, slamming that door, too. He comes out declares "I only slept a couple of hours, I need more sleep" and crawls into bed. Conveniently leaving out the part about why he only slept a couple of hours. I'm 99% sure the answer is that he stayed up all night playing computer games - as usual. After a few minutes he says, "Are you going to give her a bath, or just wipe her down?" Happy Freakin Mother's Day to Me.

So, I go down stairs to find the giant puddle of pee left behind by a 6 year old whose bladder had been filling for 11 hours. (Yes, I have to make her go potty almost every morning because she almost always insists that she doesn't have to pee and YES Joe* knows this about her, but because I'm usually in charge an accident is very uncommon.) So she and I clean the pee and I mop, although since the sinks have been full for 4 days (his chore) and Joe ruined the mop bucket, it isn't an easy task. (stand off on chores = a whole other post, but let's just say he spent all the hours he was at home yesterday playing that same computer game with a little hockey watching thrown in.) OK that's done.

But where is the pancake breakfast in bed that the children have been asking Joe to do for 2 days? Hmm, first the kitchen would have to be clean enough to a. have enough room to move and b. have enough clean dishes to cook and eat on. Second, Joe would have to actually be awake and downstairs. So, children what did you have to eat? Nothing? Big surprise. Here's a fantastic breakfast: chocolate milk and doughnuts (boo, unfrosted cake doughnuts, I'm a meanine). While I'm fixing the breakfast of pee-on-the-floor-champions, AK comes and asks me to change him. Yep, they'd been up for an hour and a half (I know because they named the 3 shows they watched) and hadn't been taken to the toilet (even though she shouldn't have to be), had a diaper changed or fed. I wouldn't be so ticked if this weren't typical for the one day a week I ask to not be in charge in the morning, despite telling Joe repeatedly it's unacceptable.

And here we are at 9:30am and I can say yet another Mother's Day that sucks ass.

* names are no longer changed to protect the innocent, because, let's face it, he's not so innocent.

Ramping up to the Anniversary

2010-05-05T18:30:00.007-04:00

Still trying to make sure I do my 10 year justice, I've given some thought to some of the husband complaining that's going around the internet. I think blogs are great outlets for this activity, after all it was the primary reason I started this one. I had / have a quaint and much neglected little blog elsewhere, but technically all my family and friends know about it. I didn't want to start in on my complaints there because 1. some of my family and friends may have been tired of hearing me wax rhapsodic on the Hubs 2. I didn't want to share those kind of details with some of them and 3. I didn't want my complaints to color the view some people have of him. I only want to vent to people who will likely never meet him or who love him as I do i.e. despite his lazy behavior. Because, really, almost any complaint I have about the man boils down to laziness. Lack of follow through, not pulling his weight figuratively, not losing the actual weight he constantly complains about, leaving his damn dirty laundry in the small footpath I have right next to the laundry basket, etc. But yesterday, I gave some extra consideration to the irritations that are due to the male-female differences.

A couple of weeks ago when I gained a Twitter follower, @ToyWithMe, I didn't get very far in checking her out because, admittedly, I'm still a little uncomfortable with discussing and even reading anything to do with sex life outside my marital unit. However, yesterday another Tweeter (I don't remember who) sent a link to Toy With Me the blog. After reading the article about why men cheat (not a concern of mine, but I'm always interested in this topic) I looked around a bit and came to an article titled "Men - I'll Take the Good with the Bad." The Redhead (one of the contributors) touches on some fairly common husband/BF complaints and why she feels they are undue. Mostly I agree with her, but unless Hubs has just stepped out of the shower you will not find me relishing in his scent!

It is written from a humor stand point and not as a marital counseling article, so the parts I feel compelled to counter are irrelevant to the article itself, but pertain to the idea of complaints about husbands. While all those points on the natural behavior of men are good and true, there is a glaring omission that affects how we as women deal with it. Along with all our flaws, the average person is also equipped with self control, this includes men. They also have ears and brains that process and store information they gather via their ears. While there are positive aspects to the way men are wired, most of the drawbacks can be tempered if a man used his ears, brain and self-control.
(read the article, I'm about to vicariously bitch at my husband and it will make more sense if you know what she said.)
Seriously, who likes to be interrupted when recounting the problems of the day? Maybe it's not their problem solving instinct, but the interrupting and not listening part. I'm a problem solver, too, but I am usually able to listen to all the factors first. Being over-protective, too ready to get physical (fights and sex), possessiveness and being easily angered are all counter to the "sensibility" men supposedly have. It's all leaping before they look, not thinking it through. I really don't need you to drop everything you're doing and track me down in Target just because my cell doesn't get reception in there and you didn't know where I was every second that morning. You don't need you to drop it all either and if you could wait another 30 minutes, I'd be back on the grid. Here's another tip (that's oft repeated by me): If I've told you I've had a bad day, whether it's stress or headache or hormones, trying to feel me up isn't going to get you sex. The only dirty thing that will come from that is the look I'll give you while the dryer, oven and kids are all sounding their alarms while you're trying to get your hands down my pants. Use some of those problem solving skills: occupy the kids, fold the laundry, or bring me the ibuprofen and a glass of water. Anything that's helpful without me having to ask. Lord knows if you don't understand the basics of how a household works enough to figure that stuff out on your own, then you're just another kid to us and I'm pretty sure you'd rather have a partner relationship than a parent relationship with your wife. I know I would.

So, that's my husband rant for the day - just getting it out of my system people so I can, you know, be nice to him on our anniversary.

So hormonal

2010-05-05T12:17:00.004-04:00

This past month has been really difficult hormone wise. It seems like any little thing can bring me to the edge of tears. Commercials, news, photographs, thinking of any member of my family, running out of something, realizing I bought something when there's already more than one in the pantry, watching Phineas and Ferb - just about anything.
I've also been very tired and extra forgetful. For instance, after I wrote the first paragraph, I picked up my kids from school and took a nap. Now I have no clue where I was going with this. Normally, when I forget what exactly it was that I was writing about I'll just abandon the post, but since this behavior actually fits in with the topic today I'm gracing you all with my hormonal joy.

What's the main emotional side effect of your hormonal days? (I was listing out some emotions but then it started to sound like an odd clan of 7 dwarves! Maybe I need another nap - or chocolate.)

BlogHer @ Home: Getting to know me

2010-04-30T11:33:00.000-04:00

You'll find me around the web as Mommyiscranky and Cranky Sarah. In my real life I'm generally known as Mommy or Sarah. Bet you couldn't have guessed that. I'm tricky that way. I'm a SAHM (although trying to become a WAHM) of 3 kids - 4 if you count the one that came with my marriage certificate i.e. my husband. My sense of humor is dry yet easily provoked by odd &/or simple things. I got quite a chuckle this morning when I discovered a town/area called Flying S Ranchettes, no one else does, I realize. (and now I can't even get stupid google maps to bring it up again - of course, I saw it when I was getting google directions that turned out to be VERY wrong)

While I'm not always cranky, I'm not always the opposite of cranky either. Snowballing PPD and a seemingly clueless husband (who must also be deaf or at least lacking a memory chip) have left me in a bit of a low spot these last couple of years. I originally started this blog so I could get some of that crap off my chest. That's how it works for me, I vent and I forget - usually. Eventually, as I unloaded some of that baggage, this blog morphed into an expression of myself in general.

Like most other mothers, especially those with more than one kid, I'm always strapped for time, but when I can devote large chunks of time to projects you'll find me in home DIY and crafting a variety of items. I haven't been posting much lately but what I have done is over at Neoteric Traditional.

Thanks for visiting me from BlogHer @ Home - and if you came to me another way, please follow the link to check them out!

I'm sick, this is my confession

2010-04-26T22:09:00.000-04:00

No, not in a creepy way, nor in a mental illness way, but in a regular "I have a cold and couldn't sleep last night. Therefore, I took a nap from 5-7 and so did my ill kids" way. The problems with this are 1. with long late naps, night time sleep will come late. 2. we still have to get up at the same time so now we'll be tired again tomorrow 3. I didn't start dinner until 7:30 and even then, I didn't want to.

Now, since the only thing I had in the fridge were chicken leg quarters, I knew it would be an hour with prep time before dinner. I fed the kids fruit and cheese before I started and while it cooked, I got them ready for bed (which totally didn't matter because as soon as they were out of my sight they took off their PJ's and played dress up). I fixed their plates and we all sat at the table. Here's where my confession comes in. My sense of taste has been off for several days, with today being the worst so far. I tried to pick out a vegetable, but the thought of tasting them, well it wasn't pleasant. SO I DIDN'T. The first thing AT says to me is "Where's the green vegetable?", "I hope it's green beans" chimes in GR "Me, too!" agrees AK. My kids are pretty good eaters and eat several greens, but most nights this requires frequent reminders from me, so on this night I thought they either would not notice or would be happy at their absence. Yeah right. I kept having to field questions about the lack of greens and hear their musings on which they would prefer having. I suppose their disappointment should come as no surprise to a mom who has planted brussel sprouts only at the insistence of her children. Especially since they are the first and only plant I've ever tried to grow from seed myself.
I'd like to add a side of Mommy Guilt with my NyQuil please.

P.S. However, when they were done eating what was on their plates and were still hungry, they didn't take me up on my offer to fix green beans.

9 years 11 months

2010-04-20T19:04:00.002-04:00

into my marriage. Does this mean 9 years 13 months ago I got married? (Have I mentioned that almost as soon as I learned I was pregnant the first time my math skills went out the window. Or more precisely down the drain as I was in the shower the first time I realized I had lost them when I tried to divide $933 by 2 and came up with $311. ooh so close yet so far away.)
The point is, that I'm fast approaching my tenth anniversary. So, I've been thinking about what I would write for you all. Each of these last few years has been more challenging than the last and there are days I struggle to recall why I married the man in the first place, let alone come up with a few dozen words celebrating our decade of marriage.
He annoys me to no end but he delights me to no end as well. He infuriates me and inflames my heart. I can't imagine going on with him but I can't imagine not having him. It's just that lately, my feelings have trended to one side more often than the other (guess which). So, I'm giving myself a big head start. 10 years here we come.

A first for my husband

2010-04-14T23:18:00.003-04:00

I spent the night at my parents' house last night. None of the rest of my family did. Which was the first time any such situation has come up, and means my husband was alone with the kids all night and he got them ready for school by himself for the first time ever. Don't go patting him on the back just yet. I had to promise to layout every article of clothing in piles that are easily descernable for each child, make and pack snacks and lunches, prepare all school items, premake breakfast, write a highly detailed allergy treatment list and get the kids ready for bed. So really, he just woke them up, dressed the littlest and drove them to school, but he was technically alone for the first time while he did it.

As a sidebar, any of you have a business with tax numbers and licenses and permits and all that? Is it really as daunting as it all seems? Any advice or websites you can point me to? Because, you know, I'm not nearly busy enough as it is, I have to go and start my own business.

PS the shirt I picked out for the 6yo was a v-necked, collared shirt with a pocket on the front - except that she wore it backward and my husband didn't notice.

I'd like to blame the tears on allergies

2010-04-10T21:52:00.005-04:00

At each turning of the season, I find myself blubbering like a baby. Like an idiot. I go through dozens of items, clutching each one, recalling the memories surrounding it, lamenting all that this process symbolizes. I unpack the new, take out the old and set aside the rest for the future. This simple, oft done task reduces me to tears. Every. single. time. I mournfully contemplate the growth, tearfully recall the accomplishment, and lament the things not done. Who knew that some of the landmines of motherhood would be found in the children's clothes closets?

Hi-ya!

2010-04-05T10:11:00.004-04:00

Supposedly a new computer is on the horizon, but I'll believe it when I see it! HAHA!

Life is far from settled right now, but I just keep hoping that it will be soon. Somehow I stress over so many small and medium things, yet I'm able to keep a distance between me and some of the big things. Though, I do know this causes a shut down in other areas, too.

And now my computer time is at an end. I miss you!

Grasping at straws

2010-03-24T22:10:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to write a new post, but time/family duties and other thoughts keep invading. What I've got is obviously written at more than one time. I just can't seem to finish the original thread now that the new thread has taken shape. Maybe I'll just have to leave it for a while and see if I can remember some of those other things that pop up when I'm nowhere near a computer. What do you do when so many thoughts are running around that you can't get a good hold on any one of them?

My marriage is not my parents'

2010-03-17T23:54:00.001-04:00

One day, I found myself complaining about the lack of participation on my husband's part to my mother. She empathized saying she should have made my father do more when we were little because when he was finally around, none of us took it well. I realized that what I was saying may have seemed to be a judgment on their relationship, but it's not. While my husband and father share some traits that are the ones that made me say "I'll never marry a man like my father," and some that make them endearing in the same way, there are some key differences.

For instance, when my father decides to improve the house, he just goes and does it. There aren't years between the plan and the action and years between the start and finish. Dad doesn't always pick things my mother likes and sometimes doesn't get her input at all, but he does the tasks. Dad is also big into what I call "family spirit" when work allows. He likes hosting everyone, grilling, doing things as a family whether it be a day at the park or dragging my mother along on his jobs. Dad is in entrepreneurial construction. He started out as a handyman, then built restaurants, then homes for the restaurateurs and now does commercial roofing. He works hard in all weather. Even during the times he was trying things to get himself out of construction, he was always working. Hubs has a white collar job, that is to say, if he were employed it would be a white collar job. When in his 20's he did surveying and some construction, but for as long as I've known him, his job has mostly entailed sitting in front of a computer. And that difference is key to my expectations. Especially while Hubs is unemployed. He changed a poopy diaper at the hospital while my father never changed one until my daughter was over 2 - the first one EVER. Hubs does dishes, sometimes, and occasionally washes hair, reads stories, snuggles in bed, gets up in the middle of the night, brushes teeth or folds laundry. My dad played with us and took us places, maybe read a story or 2, but mostly he took care of the repairs/maintenance to the house and yard and recovered from his physically hard work. He wasn't tired because he stayed up late playing computer games, watching t.v., or because he had trouble sleeping due to lack of physical activity.

My expectations for my white collar, unemployed husband are vastly different from what they would be if he had a physically demanding job. It's not just that though. We are very different people from my parents and from his parents. We have different strengths and weaknesses; different quirks and needs and wants. Sure there are some similarities, but the sum of our personalities makes us quite different. We may repeat some of their mistakes, but I think we've learned from plenty too - leaving us to make our own.

Edited to add that Mama Kat and I are thinking on the same topic lines again this week.

Need Atlanta Drivers

2010-03-16T10:13:00.002-04:00

If you follow me on twitter you may have seen a couple of tweets over the last month or so complaining about the drivers I encounter. Believe me I see something really stupid every day. Going straight from the left turn lane, turning right from the straight lane, turning left from the far right lane: crossing the near right lane, the turn lane and the 2 left lanes (the ones that go the other way). And all that was by 1 driver on my less than 2 miles to the preschool.
But now, I need drivers - good ones that is. Well not me, but Anissa Mayhew. I'm sure that all the people who volunteered to travel to help her out had the best of intentions, but they also all canceled at the same time. The family seems reticent about revealing this (I understand that I don't like to ask for help either, even when I'm not being stubborn, because it is a little guilt inducing) but this is the internet age after all so the word is getting out. If you live in the Atlanta area, specifically near Decatur, where therapy is, or more to the south side (I don't know if the Mayhews have revealed their town so I won't either but I know one of their neighbors - again internet magic) and would be available to add some drive time to your week, please let me know or Lori, who is the one who let me know they needed some drivers. Anissa needs to arrive in Decatur by 8:30am and be picked up at 2:00pm. It's about an hour drive each way. Let's see if we can help fill in the blanks in their schedule.
Also, if you're in ATL or know someone in ATL, please pass it on.

To tell or not to tell

2010-03-11T15:36:00.004-05:00

I wanted to get that last post off the top, but the circumstances that brought it to mind in the first place are still at play in my life. My mother-in-law passed away 2 weeks ago, which is why I had to be in the same place as my in-laws.

Mainly what I'm thinking about now is telling my children. The days after she died were not the right time to tell them. We were informed the morning of my birthday and AT(6) was quite excited about being part of the dinner preparations at home that night, then GR(4) was to get her weekend alone at my parents' starting the next afternoon and AT was going to her first spend the night and that Sunday, we were gathering at my parents' to have our usual celebration of my mother's and my birthdays (random interjection - I cannot figure out the proper grammar for that sentence.) Until that Sunday afternoon, when I discovered through the obituaries that the funeral was late in the week, we had thought we'd need to leave on Monday or Tuesday at the latest. It was a series of rushed, hectic and upsetting days. The children did not go with us and the time spent not telling them hasn't seemed quite right, but it also doesn't seem necessary as she hasn't been part of their lives in a long time. I initially wrote out the time line of her living with us, but basically she was in our house for the better part of 3 years including the first year and a half of AT's life. AT remembers her - I don't know how but she does - but by the time I was pregnant with my 3rd child(AK, 2.5) she had succumbed to senility and didn't understand who my husband was, didn't understand that she had a grown man as a child. So other than knowing the name "Granny" and seeing some pictures, she hasn't been part of their lives.

We know we can't shelter them from death forever, but being young we're not sure it's necessary to confront them with it now. Especially AT, who broke down sobbing last year when I read Charlotte's Web because it made her think of Hubs' father's mortality (he lives close to us) and she so far wants nothing further to do with the book. I think we are prepared with the words to tell them, but we're not sure we even should. What would you do, or did you do?

I was blind-sided

2010-03-08T20:40:00.001-05:00

and am still reeling from it. Though I am linking up with Mama Kat, I had intended to tell some of this story anyway since I had to spend several hours with the antagonist last weekend. I wasn't sure how I was going to get into the story though, as there is so much of it, some of which is too raw and my husband wouldn't want me to share it all.
So, I'll tell the part that is the most mine to tell.

During the summer of 2003, my husband and his brother were in the process of moving their parents out of their home. Their parents were quite angry with each other at this time. Mother stayed with us for 3 months and then was spending the summer with Brother. During this time, Hubs was looking for a house for Father to move into as none of us were prepared to have him live with us and he didn't want to anyway. Hubs found a suitable place, told Brother the plan, including to say, "We're going to get him so he can see the house for himself and if he likes it, buy it. We're just going to get a few items: bed, chair etc so he can move in. He said that other than "his" things, he didn't care what Mother took." However, Big Brother felt it would be better for their whole family to drive 2 days so they could show up unexpected in the middle of everything. Lots of fighting between the parents ensued, lots of ugly things were said by Brother, selfish, money grubbing, mean, and untrue things. We were all shocked by the monetary demands he put towards his parents and by his reaction upon their refusal. Reactions which eventually came over a period of time, which revealed his true nature. These were bad enough, but the thing that blindsided me was the behavior of his wife.
While Hubs was trying to mediate between Brother and Father in the living room, I was in the dining room with Mother helping her sort items that she wanted to have at each of her son's house. Sister-In-Law comes in from the back, where presumably she was with her 2 kids. She comes up to me asking me all kinds of questions about the real estate in a threatening tone. There are no answers to her questions because she was coming at it from the idea that we'd already sold that house, bought another, and were packing up everything in this one to take with us. Despite what we'd told her, despite the short amount of time that had passed and despite the fact that there was only the smallest u-haul tow trailer behind our car. She became more and more irate, hissing hate at me and began to thrust her finger at me. Then she began to advance, poking her finger into my chest. I was effectively pushed into a corner and I didn't know what she would do next. Just then my husband entered the room, stuck his arm between us and then inserted his body in the space as she continued to advance. "You need to step back and get away from my wife," he said. She shouted some reply but I don't know what it was, "You need to get away from my wife" he said louder. She began to back away and then shouted, "Get away from me, don't you touch me. Don't you dare put your hands on me!" she was backing out of the room as she said this and then she heaved herself against the hallway wall. Then ran to a bedroom and slammed the door. Meanwhile my husband was still standing in front of me, so close we were touching. Her husband bustled her into their car, came and asked me if I was OK and they left. I was far from OK. No one had ever treated me that way, not even the middle school bullies, but certainly not someone I considered family. I was incredibly upset and developed a migraine almost the instant their car pulled out of the driveway and about a half hour later I began to vomit. About every 15 minutes for the next 6 hours, I vomited. Somewhere in there, after the 12th time, yes I kept track, I called my OB. I was just at the end of my first trimester of my first pregnancy. She told me to go to the ER. I continued the 6 hour heave even on meds, I took 2 bags of IV fluid and more meds. My baby and I were both on monitors. I described the various pains I was experiencing and saw the OB on staff. After about 9 hours I was discharged and went to Hub's Aunt's house to sleep a bit before having to make the 5 hour drive back because we had a deadline on the house the next morning. While we were there Brother called and informed us that SIL demanded an apology from my husband and I. Yes, from me too. He was informed, "That's not gonna happen" and things have continued to get worse over the years. At the time, I was able to remain calm because the pains I was experiencing were not the hard belly / back pain I was told to expect with labor and I knew I needed to try to not add anymore stressy body chemistry to my little baby. It wasn't until it was actually time to deliver the baby when I experienced my body's own version of labor that I realized I had been having contractions that summer.

I think back to that day and am thankful I didn't know I had been having contractions, though some of the things that happened in my haze at the hospital made more sense. I'm more than thankful that nothing came of it and my girl was born close to her due date, after another unexpected "visit" from Brother at our house. I've never personally experienced such greed, hate, and self-righteousness as I have during that evening nearly 7 years ago, nor did I think I'd still be dealing with my feelings about it after all these years. It makes me feel a little sick as I sit here telling my story knowing that it's still far from over.

I'm back

2010-03-07T18:04:00.003-05:00

but hopefully, you didn't know I was gone - one of the cardinal rules of posting your life online: never let people know when your house is empty. In a way, I'm not sure it matters since the only reader who knows exactly where I live, can tell if anyone is home with a glance out her window, but I promised Hubs a long time ago I wouldn't reveal such information while I was, as he says, "Bloggity, bloggity, blah-blahing."
I know I will need to make a post about the circumstances surrounding our trip because it lays on me heavily, but for now I'll just try to catch up with my reading and visiting all you lovelies that visited me while I was away!!

Goodbye cruel world,

2010-03-03T08:50:00.004-05:00

Goodbye forever. Twas not meant to end this way, I thought our love would carry us through the good times and the bad. You tended to me ever so gently, took great pride in learning my secrets, did not discard me when irreparable blemishes besmirched my fair complexion and visited me often. But now it is time to part as I am lost to a world few really understand. Thank you for our many years together.
Love,
The Little Laptop

Dear Readers,
Fortunately LL was found before he had succumbed fully to the viruses and marauding trojans who had stealthily begun to take over his brain. We are doing everything we can to save him, but fear some of his vital components may be lost to us. Oh, Photoshop, we loved thee best of all, yet, were foolish in our placement of your hard copies while cleaning up from the flooded basement all those months ago. Our occasional friend, Hubs' Computer, will have to suffice for now, LL, but I will long for the days when it was just the 2 of us.
I thank you, Readers, for standing by me during this difficult time and perhaps during a prolonged absence.
Sincerely,
Cranky Sarah

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2010-03-02T13:45:00.006-05:00

Following from The Bitchin' Wives Club

1. Families can really suck, especially in-laws

2. Families can be really great, even in-laws

3. I could take hugs and kisses all day, being the jungle gym, not so much

4. I like to make lists

5. I can rarely keep up with a list on a piece of paper

6. My middle child, GR, had the following conversation with her grandmother during a GR only weekend.

GR: I want to stay at your house for 2 more days, maybe 3, or how about 100
Granma: I love having you but your mommy would miss you too much
GR: Well then you'll have to detract her so she won't notice I'm gone
Granma: Why don't you want to go home?
GR: Because AK's mad at me or AT's mad at me or Daddy's mad at me or Mommy's mad at me
Granma: Why are they mad at you, you're so sweet
GR: Because I'm only sweet when I'm at your house

7. I really like my FSIL, but find it hard to believe my baby brother is at that stage of life, even though I got married when I was 4 years younger than he is now

8. FSIL has a life very similar to the one my 18 year old self thought I'd have at her age - even same career

9. I wouldn't trade the life I do have for anything - struggles, tiffs and crappy in-laws included - because losing the bad would change some of the good

10. I don't know if you noticed, but I have in-laws on the brain today. Just thought I'd point that out

11. I peek in at DWS every now and then, but I think they've succeeded in their goal to up viewership, I think even Hubs will watch this crazy cast

12. Thank you! I just don't think I say it enough

OOTW

2010-02-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

To steal a category from Elisa at Globetrotting in Heels: I present Outfit of the Week. With one big difference: you could watch me on any given week and see basically this same outfit at least 5/7 days. Jeans, long sleeve t-shirt, and sneakers. Sometimes I wear a sweater or corduroy pants, but in the winter, that's about all the variety there is.
Sheesh, I had to go back to November 2008 to find a suitable photo. Unfortunately, I look pretty much the same. Take away a little from the tummy and add a little to the hair and this could have been taken last week - when I wore that same outfit.

Getting dressed up in the winter is practically impossible for me. I HATE being cold so if I can't wear slacks and a sweater I don't know what to do. If I'm trying to look a little, well, enticing to my husband... this unfortunate outfit is what might happen.

Hello up there? Can you see me? I'm the one looking all nonchalant by the kids school calendars.

To be fair, the tights were way more electric red on than they appeared to be in the package.

I ate my lovingly prepared dinner with a space heater approximately 6 inches away.

So that's me. Now you see why I rated my fashion sense as high as I did.

My attempt at smokey eyes

2010-02-25T17:00:00.002-05:00

I do believe this is the first picture (of my own) I've posted here, though I've linked to some in the past that are on my other blog. This is my makeup for my Valentine's Day Date. I have on what I thought was a lot of eyeshadow, but it doesn't look that way here. Perhaps if you could actually see my eyelids...
that must be what convinced my pediatrician to repeatedly ask my mother if either of my grandmothers was a Japanese WWII bride. Mentioning that makes me think that maybe I should seek out tutorials for eye makeup aimed at Asian women.
Even though I ended up using youtube when I was looking for some guidance on the ballet stage makeup required for my 15 year old's debut in the Nutcracker...

Wait, I forgot she was only 5

and has her own opinion on makeup application.

... it didn't occur to me to search youtube for makeup guidance for myself. Tweeter @tisworthwhile introduced me to the idea so I watched a few the other morning watching. Which is what convinced me it's the shape of my eyelid that's the problem. Oh well, I'm fine with that - no eye surgery for me! (I can barely tell the difference in the before-and-afters anyway) However,

Coming soon Valentine's Outfit AKA Floundering in Closet for 5 Minutes to get Dressed before Dinner got Cold but I'd Still Need Help Even if I had 50 Minutes. AKA Another mention of Globetrotting in Heels nee Unlikely Housewife.

Meanwhile, just after I wrote this and had just scheduled it to post this evening, I logged onto Twitter to find a message from @hipmom with an eyeliner review. Must be the cabin fever from being stuck inside with kids so much that's put this topic on the mind of so many moms. Check out #beautyparty or #smokeyeyes if you're on twitter.

I'm sorry Hubs - sort of

2010-02-24T14:48:00.006-05:00

I've mentioned it in the last few days that the basis for starting this blog is different from where I am coming from now. Sometimes, I need to write down the crap that happens to get it out of my brain, because if it stays in there it just bounces around and festers. However, I stopped doing it because I could never keep up with the stupid notebooks. I always meant to keep it in the bedside table, but it seems it was hardly ever there. Then I discovered blogging. Well actually, I discovered it, scoffed at it, found great DIY info on blogs, then accepted it into my life. I don't think I've ever misplaced my computer (not sure I will still be able to say this after I get a netbook though), so it seemed like a good repository for my bitching.

Now that more than 1 person is being exposed to my thoughts, I felt it was time to re-read the things I wrote about a year ago. First, I was shocked that even though we aren't actually fighting much these days, little has changed in his behavior or our patterns. Obviously something has changed in me: I think the PPD has finally realized that it overstayed its welcome as the baby is nearly 3. I still have bad days, I still feel like I'm in a fog most of the time, but the wild, overwhelming, funk that I was in isn't there so much.

So, I read my own words, refelt those feelings and contemplated where I want to go now. I still stand by what I wrote and I'm not embarrassed that I put some word-for-word spats out there for the world, but my husband might be. A year ago I didn't care because a) I didn't really tell any one about myself, this was more of a diary b) I wasn't concerning myself with him. Cranky Mommy was an accurate title rather than a tongue in cheek one. Now that I'm going with more of a working-my-way-out than I-don't-know-how-to-get-out view of depression, I think it's time to take down the nitty gritty. Don't get excited, it's not all that gritty.

OK so why am I bothering to tell you all this? Why don't I just take it down? Because there might be someone reading right now that could benefit from finding out another woman is married to a good guy who is often a crappy husband. It is a frustrating and isolating situation to be in. So, if you're so inclined there will be a few days to peruse but then I'll no longer embarrass my husband - in such great detail.

Time for a change

2010-02-23T10:41:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure where this daily string of posts is coming from. Perhaps from a sense of deprivation for going so long without any? HA
Anyway, I feel cleansed of my feelings about the funeral and the over-worrying-over- active-imagination has ceased to dwell on that topic. So, I'm just making a post to get it off the top of my blog. Since I've gotta leave for the toddler program at the library this is all I've got time for. Aren't you glad you took the time to come see me? I know this post will be a commenting record breaker.

The funeral

2010-02-22T20:09:00.003-05:00

(edited to add an apology for the disjointed nature of this post. I don't usually write at this time of day - too many distractions - and I haven't really had time to pull my thoughts together, but I wanted to get this out of my system.)

I went to the memorial service for FSIL's father today. It was the first one I've attended where the deceased had been cremated. Not that I've been to a lot of funerals, but that fact made it a bit different. He was also retired Air Force so there was the military aspect that was new as well. FSIL and her family handled it like champs. Their family has suffered several losses on her father's side in the past few years, so I suppose they've had unfortunate cause to practice grieving in public.

Funerals are odd places. The reason for being there is always sad but at the same time you are meeting new people and seeing ones you haven't seen in a long time. There are smiles, laughter, and heart wrenching tears all in one room. I met one of FSIL's dear friends after the service. She is a lovely woman, sweet and bubbly. I just kept thinking it was strange to learn of her exuberant personality in that room. But you know what? That's who she is. She deals with loss that way and she knows how to deal with it because she lost her dad last summer. Meeting the people who are important to her in this way... well we just envisioned it at an entirely different kind of ceremony.

My brother has grown into a wonderful and caring man. I already knew that, but today I got to see it in action. And hear about it, repeatedly from the other attendees. I know my mother was proud. Brother and FSIL are not actually engaged but have talked about it, he plans to ask and expects a "yes" (though to talk to her bubbly friend, you'd think the wedding was a month away HAHA). If there were any doubts in her mind if it was the right thing for them, after the way she spoke of him to Mom and I today it is clear that going through this tragic time together erased them.

Loss and love, tears and laughter. I know I would make it through if I were in her place, but I'm glad I'm not having to figure it out.

Anissa Mayhew

2010-02-21T13:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I check out the blog roll on other sites, because my Reader list is tiny and I need to find more ways to waste time on the internet than I currently have available, yeah. Anyway during the previous shift of actually having time to waste, or rather feeling so fed up with housework that I chose the internet over it, I saw a blog called Aiming Low. That sounded about right so I checked it out. It was mid November and the current post was very personal to them. One of their contributors, Anissa, had just had a massive stroke. I felt sad as I always do when I hear of such things. But I did something I don't always do, I intentionally went to find out more. Now don't get me wrong, I don't avoid these kinds of stories because I have no heart, but because I have too much. I take these things on in my soul, worrying over them as if it were happening in my own family. I just can't function like that so I say a prayer and praise the blessings in my life as well as theirs and try to move on. But not this time. Maybe because I have a friend who had a stroke when she was young (totally recovered). Maybe because I once had symptoms of a mini-stroke, a TIA, though I didn't know that as it was happening, but learned about it only after my neurologist wanted to do a scan. Fortunately, he saw no physical signs that a TIA had occurred. Although we never figured it out, it hasn't happened again. But I think about it because I just can't turn those kinds of thoughts off. And I'd been thinking of Anissa. I hadn't checked in on her since the end of January but I checked last Saturday and shared her story with my husband. I thought about her and about something else I realized - that she moved states last summer and now lives in the same metro area as I do. I'd been wondering if there was something I could do to help. But it's kind of weird. I could only offer time or service, but I'm a total stranger. She has kids, I have kids, would I want to accept in-person help from a total stranger? Allow them into a life that included my young children? She could easily live an hours drive from me and still be in the same metropolis but she could be in my same town. So with these thoughts, I checked her blog again yesterday (which she started when her daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia - talk about a double whammy). I, along with others touched by her story, found good news. Anissa is well enough to return home. The thing is that their insurance co-pay for the therapy she needs is quite high - to the tune of $4000. We may have run out of money like 2 weeks ago and it may be too weird to offer/accept my in-person help, but this, passing along her story, I can do.

A change in tone: Night Time Waking- Toddlers

2010-02-20T10:56:00.003-05:00

When I originally started this blog, I had the idea that I'd use it simply as an outlet to vent - mostly about my marriage and financial situation. After all, I had other blogs, each with a different base topic to satisfy my compartmentalizing needs. But after the past few months, in which I didn't blog anywhere and barely made an appearance on any on-line outlet, I began to rethink my goals and needs. Instead of embracing the "cranky" part of this blog, I'm going to focus more on the "mommy" part, which is more than just my family title, as all you fellow moms know. To be sure, I will still have cranky days - mostly owing to lack of sleep. Like today since my son spent a very restless night in bed with me. This is something new, I don't think the girls ever spent a night in our bed, once they stopped night nursing, if they weren't quite sick and that hasn't happened often. I don't want to start a trend but I don't have the energy to figure out what is going on with AK (who's 2.5). Really, he's just been very cranky himself through the day and has been refusing afternoon naps in favor of late evening naps. This is a problem I haven't gotten figured out yet. I'll share my tips for the sleeping problems I did figure out and hope you'll share any tips you have for me on this one!

(The following post originally appeared on my "company manners" blog Neoteric Traditional)
No super parent am I, nor have I had terrible issues with my kids at night, but I've got some experience and some tips. This doesn't mean that I'm not awoken nearly every night by one thing or another, but sometimes it's my own sleep issues or more frequently it's the train rumbling past, oh wait, that's my husband's snoring.

To find the correct fix, you have to figure out why your child is waking up.

Are you in potty training mode? She could be waking as she pees or when it becomes uncomfortable. Is she dry when she wakes up in the middle of the night? One issue we went through was she was being alerted by her bladder but she was too sleepy to realize the cause / didn't know to go to the bathroom at night. When she woke up, I'd take her to the toilet and remind her that was why she woke up. As she went to bed I'd tell her "If you wake up at night, go to the potty, quietly and without me."

Is she a cover kicker or a night sweater? Try changing PJ types and different blankets. First, we practiced how to fix her cover during the day which worked sometimes, but eventually I turned the flat sheet perpendicular so I could snugly tuck in the "sides" and she couldn't get everything so twisted up. I kept the sheet a bit loose on her because she's an active sleeper but the length meant I could tuck in more sheet than she could kick.

Is this the start of nightmares? This one is a bit tougher, because when they're scared they just want you. Talk out the dream in the morning, ask her things that she could change or add to the dream to make it turn into a good one. Try to not give answers here, but if you do make sure they're as silly and as "rainbow-y" as you can think of. Bestow some magic powers on her favorite snugly or get a new one that can fix the scary dream. Flashlights, especially those with the silhouette caps are good at chasing bad dreams out the window.

Is she in a growth phase? Our bodies do most of their growth and repair at night but sometimes it can hurt. It might take you massaging her legs or arms for a few minutes but see if you can figure out something she can do herself. Try adding a little rub down to your nighttime routine and getting a funny little massager thing she can rub on her legs/arms. The one I have is just blue plastic but it's mine therefore special for her to use. There are ladybug shaped ones and plain wooden ones etc.

My final tip is to think about your and your spouse's sleep patterns. You kids could have similar patterns / issues. If they simply wake up at night make sure there are things to do at night in the bed or in easy reach. A dim lamp, nightlight, or flashlight so she can see what she's doing, some favorite books, little stuffed animals, a magna-doodle type board. Something she can do alone, quietly and that won't be wrecked when she falls back asleep on top of it.

Those are the 5 main reasons my girls have woken up at night and for the most part these fixes have worked. Let's not forget the boy though, and since I've publicly put in my 2 cents on this issue, he'll have bigger and harder to solve problems!

------------------------------------------------------
See, I knew it!

Marital Communi-whatzis?

2010-02-19T11:00:00.004-05:00

If all a man's thinking went on in his brain, I believe a sizable chunk of marital miscommunication wouldn't exist. If I have told you dozens of times over the years that *standing too close* and rubbing my bicep doesn't get me in the mood, furthermore, that after all these years it is now an irritation, yet you still try it this morning, you must not be thinking with your brain. I know you are able because I can say to you "What are you singing? Is that something you made up or is it that band you like?" and you answer with "I made it up, it's not Soul Coughing" you know who I meant even though you haven't been really into them for about 7 years.
I'll concede that it may not be possible to think entirely with your brain, but at least get it involved.

What's that you say? Something about women and emotions? Hormones? What the hell are you getting at man? Are you saying that I don't always think completely rationally? Really? Yeah, I didn't think so. OK Baby, we'll talk later! *kiss*

Reflecting on fathers

2010-02-18T20:21:00.004-05:00

My brother met a really wonderful girl, (I should say woman, but he's my little brother so I still see him as a teen) a few months ago. His personality and convictions being what they are, at this point he is very serious about her and it is his intention to one day make her part of our family. And with our family, if one of us loves you - all of us do. Well, within reason.
Anyway, what I'm getting at is that we've accepted her into the family with the bonus that we all actually like her. Then yesterday something happened that I'm sure has nearly shattered her world. Her father had some sort of surgery on his lung Tuesday, he came out fine and was doing well until yesterday when he had a fatal heart attack. I can't even imagine how massive an attack it must have been for him to have been IN the hospital and still die. I can't imagine her grief right now. I was OK as I was on the phone with my mom, but when I called Hubs, I really started to lose it. I don't know why exactly. Yes, part of it is pure sadness for her, but I'm talking about being on the edge of not being able to pick the girls up from school. I don't know her very well and I've never met any of her family so is it something else? I don't know, but the most likely scenario is putting myself in her situation. Having just gotten serious with someone I can see marrying, with so many important times ahead...

Thinking of that naturally makes me think of my father. He isn't Father of the Century material, but he's a good guy. Certainly a better father than his, my mother's or my husband's were. He always worked hard, in a physically demanding profession, to provide as best as he could. Some years the provisions were more than others, but we survived the lean times somehow. Though he wasn't the most supportive, he was far from absent. He accepted my husband, then boyfriend, into the family before he met him, and despite the age difference, because he had faith in my feelings. He proudly walked me down the aisle. He waited anxiously in the hallway for the birth of my children. (Well, no one was there for #2, but that's another story). He loves my children and would spoil them rotten if he could. He's there when I need him and when I don't. He shares his interests with me and makes plans for how he'll share them with my kids when they're older. I think FSIL was close with her dad so I'm sure he'd have been right there with her for all the big moments to come. I'm so sorry for her that she won't get to share it with him.

I'm too sexy for my...

2010-02-14T11:13:00.003-05:00

aahhh, I got nuthin'. I'm not fashion illiterate, dyslexic maybe, 2nd grade level reader maybe. I can't translate seeing clothes to wearing clothes and I'm very picky when it comes to fit and wearability (I'm being told that's not a word - how apropos) . I don't know how to go bold. I can pick individual items, but have a very hard time making outfits. Plus I'm all over the place eclectic in my tastes. Then you know there's the small matter of the single-income-earner-out-of-work/harried-mother-of-3-with-no-time-to-do-own-laundry-much-less-shop thing I got going on.

I don't do fashion blogs, because for me, what's the point? I can stare at things all day, doesn't mean it will work for me, that I have the ability duplicate it or the money to afford it. But sometimes fashion makes an appearance on some of the blogs I do read. Like One Pearl Button. Her style fits one of my personalities. A quiet quirky one. But, Unlikely Housewife, now her picks make me drool. Her picks are colorful, boldly (to me) accessorized, and damn sexy. I can completely imagine her wearing them, but me - not so much. Though they appeal to another personality, it is one that I didn't discover until it was kinda too late for her to really bloom. It's winter for her and I hope she will see spring again - if I wore something like this, it might just seem like the end of the frost.

I don't think there's a woman out there who couldn't bring a little summer heat to her Valentine's date if she showed up wearing this.

Photo is from the polyvore set by Unlikely Housewife aka HipMom

I just HAD to do it

2010-02-13T22:58:00.003-05:00

I caved in a big way. I just couldn't resist. I tried. I waited 13 whole days. Thirteen. It sits in the fridge mocking me, knowing it's crunch won't be the same after tonight. Knowing it's pure simple "4" ingredient goodness combines so many of my loves. It is close to toppling brownies from the top of my list.

Bakerella

This is Bakerella's photo. My photos suck so I'm not even gonna compete!
She lives in the same metro area as I do. I could say that I wouldn't mind living next to her so she wouldn't have to eat all the goodies alone, but she would have to be on the right side. My left/back neighbor is pretty rockin' and it probably does me better to have an exercise buddy than a baking buddy.

Oh, hey, I'm not dead

2010-02-08T15:43:00.003-05:00

though you probably wouldn't guess from looking at the sleep deprived pallor of my skin. I am, however, burnt out. Unimaginably, Hubs still doesn't have a regular full-time job, fortunately he does get enough contract and freelance work to keep us from drowning in debt, yet.

Homeschool became a minute by minute battle of wills. Her skills are fine and perhaps ahead in some areas but silly me, I had the notion that the 9 hours a week that we got alone, if we were lucky, should be spent doing school work while she felt that she should get to stare blankly into space and drop her pencil at a rate of about 3 times per minute. Add to that the normal head butting that happens with a 6yo girl who thinks "it's time for [her] to be a teenager now" and it wasn't a happy day. But with her at a short day kindergarten, it's getting better. The other 2 have been pretty much the same as usual, so that's good.

I finally took some steps to better health. I stopped snacking so much and cut way back on my sugar intake. I must say, that though I joked several times that I run on sugar (as opposed to caffeine) I'm beginning to think it may have been true! I have even less energy than I used to. I've been working out for about 30-40 minutes 3x's a week, if possible, with my friend and next door neighbor, Violin Mama, on her Wii. Which isn't an aerobic strain the way we've been going: she's 6 months pregnant and I'm well, out of shape, but it's a good start. Those 3 steps alone have helped me lose a few pounds this month, now if I could just lower the fat content, I'd be good!

I haven't been on-line in general a lot in the past few months, you can see/read why at my other blog, Neoteric Traditional. I've definitely been cranky, but it's more like one-liners than blog posts so this afternoon I decided to -GASP!- join twitter. I think that will be a better outlet for me with my technologically challenged computer. I'll link it up here when I have time, but I'm @mommyiscranky if you're interested in the meantime.

Dear Monday 9/21,

2009-09-21T09:07:00.000-04:00

I hope to find you rainy and dreary. Intermittent showers with bouts of hard pours would be nice. Some thunder and lightning perhaps? I'm sure you won't find it too hard.
Thanks,
Cranky Sarah
PS If it is at all possible that you could see to it that I wake to find a flooded basement, that would be super!

Too many blogs

2009-09-17T15:44:00.001-04:00

I thought I'd share some thoughts that are in the works or have been expressed already on my other blogs that fit with my intent of this site.
------------
"So, still not knowing anything about blogging, I started Montessori From Scratch about 13 months ago. I intended, and still do, to make it a place to learn how to, well, do what the title says. I'd hoped to find the materials, time and voice to make it a worthwhile place to visit. But, I've lost my voice somewhere. The poetry that used to flow in my head all day vanished years ago, the witty remarks that I formed in an instant became more and more rare. I'd found exhaustion, brain fog, depression and antipathy. I was too overwhelmed with the 3 kids and all the attention each one needed to make a cohesive lesson plan, to make the materials, do the projects, teach the lessons. I know many people do those things just fine, or even excellently, but not me, at least not the me I had become. It wasn't just the kids, you can read some of my cranky side and marriage tribulations if you're interested. But the plan wasn't working and neither was the blogging. I "gave up" for a while and went back to my natural form of teaching which I'd describe as "casual unschooling." I learned more about my children's learning styles and watched as my eldest grew beyond some of the early Montessori work. I realized that I was firmly on the eclectic side of schooling, which really was no surprise, I'm eclectic in many ways."

-------------------
Notice how I said "other blogs"? Yeah, I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that I've got too many to handle properly, but I have a STRONG desire to compartmentalize. It is also sometimes debilitating. Not in any OCD type way, if that were the case, man would my house be organized. Debilitating in that I can take a stack of papers, of which there are many to choose from, and turn it into 14 different categories, or 37 as the real life case may be. Debilitating in that I can spend 2 hours sorting that one stack and look around at all the mess that was there plus the 37 new stacks and feel defeated. Paperwork has kicked my ass. Moving into my husband's house has kicked my ass. Falling into traps of going along with his way and the ensuing power struggles when I realized his way is a wreck, have kicked my ass. And since this has been going on for 11 years, it's kicked me in many other places too. Flylady says just spend 15 minutes, just spend an hour and I think people are supposed to get some sort of pride out of that. Maybe I've become a pessimist, but that just doesn't cut it for me. I dream of taking everything out of this house, finishing all the unfinished projects, fixing all the problems and moving back in 1 box at time. I really dream of living in a different house (although I've become attached to the location, which happens to come with some great neighbors), which may have to happen if the job situation calls for it, but I'd want to do the other thing first so we could actually sell this one. And this has ended up in a place I didn't know I was going, but that's what's on my mind during any free moment. If only I could compartmentalize my thoughts.

Oh, Daaaddyy

2009-09-04T15:07:00.003-04:00

Since Hubs has been out of work for quite some time now, a year and 3 months, and freelance or contract work has been sporadic, he's been home a lot. I've really been trying to not let his "habits" get on my nerves, because honestly they can only take so much. But it's hard. For instance:
I like to keep the toilet lids closed but when he's done he lowers the seat only. Is it so much harder to close both at the same time? I'd understand it more if he left it up entirely.
I can tell you generally, often specifically, what he's snacked on by which cabinet doors are open and what texture the smears on the refrigerator handle are.
He doesn't wash the kids cups as a set. I never have the same amount of cups, lids and valves in the drawer which is OK, I guess, except when there's less than 3 of any one part.
If he's going to get cranky about what time the kids go to bed, then why doesn't he help get them there?
OK I won't indulge my thinly veiled whining any longer. My real problem was stated in the first sentence. However, my upbringing did prepare me for that. As the family of a contractor, it was always feast or famine in our house. So I've got an example of how a marriage and a family survive during those tight times, but instead of keeping on paring down our lives, we're spending more. And I'm simply frustrated by feeling guilty with every purchase. But we had to get a minivan, which has a payment and higher insurance, and I simply didn't do well homeschooling the eldest while the 2 youngers were at home so this year they're in preschool. And the eldest is also at the highest age for beginner ballet and I know her, if she started when she was older and everyone else knew more than she did and she was always behind or lost, her love would quickly die. And how hard is it to put one kid in and not the other? Too hard for me. Hubs field is so small - and usually the first on the chopping block - I don't know which is harder, not getting any response at all when resumes are sent in or there not even being any jobs to apply for.
OK, thanks for the ear. I'm done whining!
(Title phrase is what my 3 year old has started saying when she comes across the results of one of Hubs' bad habits)

Thankful Thursday

2009-08-20T14:20:00.002-04:00

I haven't been keeping up with this very well. It's not that I'm not thankful, it's that I'm worn thin. Even my movie night with the girls didn't perk me up beyond the actual time I spent with them. (BTW even though it's not as good as the book, the movie The Time Traveler's Wife is still good)
I realized that I need to make more of a point of pronouncing what I'm thankful for to help me get out of this... stupor. I'm not depressed or anything right now, but frustrated and tired.
Anyway...
I'm thankful for:
Family that sustains me
Friends that make me smile
A girl with her first loose teeth (who knows some thing have value beyond money)
A husband who can take care of the kids one evening and then proclaim "I don't know how you get a single thing done!"
Children who like to talk about and ask about God. Burgeoning spirituality is a beautiful and delicate thing.
and right now, I'm very thankful for nap time!

Plea for Common Sense

2009-08-14T22:44:00.006-04:00

You know, I rarely enter into political or religious debates. There are a very few people who I will discuss things with and that is because with them it can actually be a discussion. Debates have winners and losers; discussions have sharers.
However, I will dip my toes into this one. Only because I can't stand when idiocy is lapped up and re-spouted as an original thought. And for the purposes of this I'm ignoring the things I feel are intentional misrepresentations at best and blatant lies at worst. This is an appeal for common sense.
First, a document can only have one point of origin. There may be several collaborating authors, of course, but one original document. I'm noticing over the years that the more outrageous the misinformation is the more people claim it is their original work. And I'm talking about word for word copies.
Second, when you quote something and then make a claim about what it says, can you, yourself, at least read the part you quoted? (also, do you remember what opposites are?)
Third, when you are going to make an argument against something you should be consistent. -If you're going to claim that some entity will have "NO CHOICE" can you at least leave out the next few lines in which you angrily point out things that clearly show that, yes, there is in fact a choice.
Fourth, just because you put part of your sentence in BIG BOLD LETTERS, it doesn't transform the rest of your sentence into a negative argument. I'm willing to bet you like it when you consult with a professional who has a firm grasp on the national language.
Lastly, just because an acronym was an easy target for vilification on one topic (and they possibly had members who warrant that) doesn't mean they have their hot little hands in this, too. And if they get involved, it's unlikely to be in the ways you are implying. Do you even know who you are talking about?

OK that's it. It irritates me to no end that when there are legitimate arguments to be made it is still the tripe that gets passed around. One after another taking an apparently sure bet that the masses are either idiots or just too lazy to read and think for themselves. Why don't you take some of your fervor and apply it to fact finding? Then you can focus your passion on the actual problems. Because focusing on real problems may lead to real answers. Imagine that.

Emotionally Well Adjusted Children

2009-08-12T15:19:00.000-04:00

That's what we're supposed to want right? So why does it hurt a little when your daughter doesn't miss you when she's gone? "I love you so much that I don't have to miss you" Great but how about one little tear welling up in your eye?

Yet, you don't want the other end of the spectrum where your other daughter misses her sister so much that she cries out her name randomly during the day. And by cry I mean wail: tears, snot, wavering voice and red sweaty face. Of course, now that it's her turn for a solo stay at the grandparents' she's just fine.

Mommy is Awake

2009-08-09T02:43:00.002-04:00

and posting in real time. Another bout of insomnia. I finally worked myself back into a reasonable sleep routine and was getting up at my goal time. Then insomnia one night, kids waking me (us) up the next and the next and the next plus weird dream night, so there were naps. ---Good grief! It's like he heard my thoughts! AK wakes up between 2&3 every morning and GR wakes up twice between 4&7. Although, Hubs usually takes care of AK, unless I'm already awake.
I just did not want to go up and lay in bed with my husband while he was still awake. It was just a really long day for our relationship and I didn't wish it to continue so I chose to avoid him and now I'm wide awake. But I really should at least go get ready for bed now. I have a long day ahead of me as it is Hubs' birthday so I'll have all the normal weekday type mommy stuff to do plus all the extra stuff for him.
I learned a trick for helping you sleep... we've all heard of counting yourself to sleep, right? Well, that no longer works for me as my busy brain has figured out how to run rampant while I'm still counting - yeah I know, I was surprised, too. So I usually work on puzzles (things related to crosswords type puzzles) but I'm out of those so I'll try this new trick tonight. Pick a way of counting that is unusual or medium difficult for you. I think the article suggested backwards by 3's I'm sorry, I do not remember where I saw that, but it was probably on the Yahoo! front page. OK, so I'm off to do that. {unwilling sigh} {and a yawn - yay!}

Dinner confessions

2009-08-07T15:22:00.000-04:00

Not to brag or anything, but I'm a decent cook. And I think my dinner time rules are pretty fair too. But it hurts when I have to stare one in the eye real hard. I threw together a simple and easy pork chop dinner last night. I hadn't made it exactly this way before and I was going against all advice by not browning them before baking them (really, if you have to brown them, why not just fry them all the way?) So it was technically an experiment. But the kids have had versions of this before and had eaten it just fine.
So, when dinner was met with resistance, I invoked the "one bite as it is before you get ketchup" rule, which was followed. Then not a single bite after that was eaten! I set a timer and told them if they didn't finish before then, they'd have to go to bed. When about 1/2 the time was up, I reminded them of the "If you don't eat it tonight you're getting it tomorrow for lunch and or dinner" rule. I've only had to invoke that one once before (baked chicken I believe) and they happily ate it the next day for lunch. Not so this time. They chose to go to bed before the time was even up and refuse to eat it for lunch today too!
On the one hand I feel like a crummy mom but come on! Dinner was really good - Hubs even asked me to make it again and that doesn't happen every night! They understand the consequence of not eating is feeling hungry and cranky, but I feel terrible knowing they're hungry, but I feel terrible if I undermine my own (reasonable?) set of rules. It's just a no-win situation!

Laundry Confessions

2009-08-05T18:31:00.003-04:00

Laundry is the worst and only because of all the folding and that's only because it kills my neck and shoulders - which kill me on a daily basis. So, it piles up and up. 10 different categories! Plus special loads, like the pee sheets AK's been waking up with every morning (why can't I find Diaper Doublers now that I need them on a daily[nightly] basis??) Am I a sorting nut?
I just had to get stuff done so I just threw in the "most popular" stuff all together in the washer. Hopefully it comes out looking like it did when it went in, sans stains of course!

She's pretty nice for a meanie

2009-08-04T13:41:00.002-04:00

Jana is holding a giveaway on her blog, The Meanest Mom. A portrait package, so I couldn't resist!

How do dreams work for you?

2009-08-03T16:49:00.004-04:00

While I do sometimes dream in color and can occasionally read in my dreams, I am not able to control them. However, I am frequently aware I am dreaming. Last night I was having a terrible dream. If I could remember well enough or if I had the writing talent, I could rival Stephen King (do you know what I'm talking about?) with the movie quality of my dreams as I'm dreaming them. But, I was really trying to distract myself from this dream and start a new one - without any luck. So finally I gave in, ran around until I was killed and as I lay there dying, I thought "Oh well, at least the dream's over."
What's strange is that it all seems to happen on different levels of consciousness. I'm having a dream on one level, aware of the dream on another and "listening" to myself be aware of dreaming on yet another. Man, is all that exhausting, I'm always super tired the day after stuff like that happens. What's it like when you dream?

potty training problem

2009-07-30T14:59:00.002-04:00

Yesterday while I was holding AK up to a sink at an inflatable play center, he gassed and I asked him if he pooped. "I didn't poo!" was his response. Not a big deal except that was his second phrase ever (his first being several months ago - "Mad at Daddy" - HAHA!)
Then last night he started grabbing at his rear, exclaiming poo..poo, getting the changing pad and laying down. He was clear and dry, but he kept on. I tried to get him on the potty, Hubs was finally successful with that but nothing happened. He came back down stairs and began his frantic insistence that I change his diaper for a few more minutes before he settled down on the couch with a blanket. I put him to bed and about 1:30 he woke up crying because he'd pooped.
This has only been one instance, but I'm trying to prepare before we start having withholding issues. Any suggestions for a kid who's too young to bribe?

Not as fancy as diamond earrings...

2009-07-27T18:01:00.000-04:00

School is starting up again, and if you didn't know, I'm doing homeschool for my eldest. I've been looking at what I've got and what I need - and at what has survived long enough for AK to benefit from it too. He's been interested in sorting and stringing beads and wrapping cords around everything, but one of the things that have long since been lost/destroyed was our lacing shapes. Oddly enough my friend just let me know about a give away she's having this week - for lacing shapes.
Belle of the Blog is having a contest courtesy of All Children's Furniture, where you can find everything from bunk beds to toys. Stop by and enter to win a set of Melissa and Doug Lace 'n Trace Shapes.

Not a stellar moment, but it worked

2009-07-25T17:42:00.004-04:00

Perhaps my morning routine is a little lacking, but I usually do not get up before the kids. I strive to, but with no real reason to it is hard. I usually get my best, sometimes only, sleep after 6am so I sleep as long as I can. I will fix breakfast for everyone, strap the baby into the highchair, turn on the TV and go take a shower. The other morning, while I was in the living room picking out shows, AK carried his plate of scrambled eggs into the dining room (and didn't spill them) and sat at the table. He didn't want to sit in his highchair so I let him stay put. I figured I'd shower at lunch or nap time. The morning went downhill from there. Arguing, fussing, aggressive behavior, selective hearing - you do realize I'm talking about the kids, right? - and total non-cooperation. I got very fed up, sent everyone to their beds for quiet time and took a shower. Something happened in that quiet time. They came out of it happy and cooperative. We cleaned and vacuumed the floor in the girls' room and the living room. We put away some of the loose toys and read a book. All before lunch. It worked, but I still felt like I could have challenged Jana for her title that morning: The Meanest Mom

My Stomach Speaks to Me and a Ringing Endorsement

2009-07-21T16:52:00.000-04:00

I was all excited to go out for drinks, dinner, dancing and drinks. Also, drinks. I don't drink often or drink much but sometimes it can be helpful. Like if you've been stressed out for a variety of reasons or if you have chronic muscle tension or if you're going dancing and you're not good at it. On the way there, my stomach began to feel funny, queasy in fact. I said to Hubs "Every time I have the opportunity to drink, my stomach starts to feel yuck so I don't drink" He said, "You're just thinking about it too much, have fun" So I did, a Caiprihana, Mojito and a vodka drink called a martini even though it's not, kind of fun. I found out that I'm so old and out of shape that dancing to 3 salsa songs was enough to put an ache in my right hip. But not so old that men didn't ask to dance with me. I also found out that I did indeed have the stomach bug AK had early in the week. Great timing. (And yes I know the difference between an alcohol induced sick and a virus, for one thing it's day 3 and I'm still having issues.) I don't know why I didn't listen to my body, stomach in particular, but it sure was nice to not feel the pain in my back, shoulders and neck if only for a few hours.
Bonus: My lipstick got an unexpected trial: I put it on before I ate, drank, and well... you know, plus the ensuing rinsing and teeth brushing and it was still there the next morning - Maybelline Superstay Lipcolor. If that's not a golden review I don't know what is HAHA!

fashionist...er?

2009-07-18T12:14:00.001-04:00

We're on outfit #3 for the day, not because AK keeps getting messy, but because he keeps changing his mind. UGH!

The things facebook can bring up for you

2009-07-17T14:15:00.007-04:00

Does any place strike up such strong negative emotions that you'd just as soon have it fall off the face of the earth as have to ever visit it again?
There is a place like that for me and 4 people who make it that way. Just 4 people. 1 is the man who molested my sister and as the therapist helped her discover, my mother before her. 2. now deceased, is my grandmother who married that man when my mother was young. Both of whom told any and every body of his innocence despite the fact that he confessed in a plea bargain. Heaven forbid you should believe a statement made under oath when you have the man himself saying he only confessed to save his beloved granddaughter a second trial. (the first was a mistrial because 1 juror voted not-guilty)
The 3rd and 4th were girls my age, women now. The 3rd is that stereo-typical girl who says she's your best friend to your face and then goes around telling all kinds of lies about you behind your back. And not just yours, but those of many others, too. The 4th was someone I loved as a sister. At the time, probably more than my sister. I moved away (a whole other story) but we remained close. My grandparents brought her as a surprise to my HS graduation (this was before we found out what he'd done 6 years prior. The instruction to "not tell" can have a strong hold on an abused child; my sister and especially my mother can tell you that) We wrote, called and when we entered college, e-mailed. I thought I'd found a friend for life. I moved back to the state and went back into a similar social circle as I'd been in before. This group mostly comprised just those who were either still at home or were at a local community college - and her. She went to a big university. I was working 3 jobs at one point. Paying for rent, saving for that same big university, and waiting to get my residency status back so I could afford that school. At first, I was so busy that I didn't notice any change. "Girl 3" told me some wild tales about "Girl 4", lesbian crushes turned obsessions and threesomes were mentioned several times. I didn't believe her, since I knew her history with the truth. But then I began to notice that Girl4 was blowing off our plans with lies when it turned out she was spending time with her college roommate. Another one of her purported lesbian crushes - you know she had to settle for someone when Girl3 wouldn't consent to more than a 1 time experiment. So I began to wonder if there were the tiniest bit of truth, but saved any conclusion for the words out of Girl4's mouth. We moved in together, but kept growing apart. She'd make or agree to plans and not keep them. Items kept disappearing, though I 100% blame Girl3 for that, I felt like it was probably intentionally "unnoticed" by Girl4. Then one evening, I fixed dinner for Girl 4 and my now husband. As we were eating she started to "jokingly" question me about trysts I had with her ex. Things that never happened. I'm sure we can all figure out her source on that. Whether or not she believed the story, she chose to bring it up in front of my boyfriend to hurt me in some way. And that was pretty much the last conversation we ever had. I started spending more time with Hubs but was still paying 1/2 rent and utilities. I'd made an agreement and intended to stick to it. I also left all my furniture and other items since it would leave her without so much if I'd taken them. She called one day saying she'd found another roommate so I could move out officially. The last call I got from her was a furious message that I took her kool-aid. Which I did not, by the way, it was still in the kitchen drawer, but never mind all the stuff I did leave like cleaning supplies, shower curtain, bath mats, pots and pans, silverware, dishes and a whole dining room set. I never knew what really happened between us. In case you couldn't tell, it still kinda hurts. I think the not knowing is part of it. And the fact that I seem to be SLOW to learn lessons in the friend department.
And what has this all has to do with facebook? I got a friend request from a woman a year younger than me, who I have a vague recollection of as being a beautiful and upbeat person saying "You have NO IDEA how many times I've looked for you on here! How are you, where are you, what are you doing????" And even though I usually blame being a mommy for having a terrible memory, I think I simply have a terrible memory for the everyday parts of life. If there's not some huge emotion attached to it, I probably don't remember it. I "have NO IDEA" why she'd be looking for me on fb so much, I just don't remember much beyond the sparkle in her eye when she smiled (and to clear up any rumors that may be out there thanks to Girl3, no I've never had any lesbian crushes, she just had one of those smiles that you couldn't help smiling back at and I've found that to be a rare quality). Although I might other wise converse with her and maybe accept her friend request, I can't help but wince at her location and the larger fact that both Girl3 and Girl4 are on her friend list.

Christmas in July

2009-07-15T14:45:00.002-04:00

When everyone is really tired and your 2 year old is sick it seems like a good idea to send your 3 & 5 year olds up to their room to play birdies. This usually involves lots of pillows and blankets to make nests and often lasts for an hour or so of relatively quiet, cooperative play. About 90 minutes into this bliss, I went upstairs to the bathroom. I heard the rush to the door and the plea "Don't come in, we're making a surprise". "OK, I won't" was my cheerful reply. My naive, if I'd had enough sleep I'd have seen through that, perhaps I was choosing to pretend, response. A while later it was time to clean up before dinner. I ascended the stairs, heard the usual scramble to hide (they like to hide and say "surprise" as often as possible) and open the door. "Surprise! It snowed in here!" They shredded a full box of tissue to play winter birds. 2 days later and we're still cleaning it up.

Whew I'm glad that's over - Cranky Kids edition

2009-07-13T15:43:00.004-04:00

Well, my sister's wedding is finally over. There were plenty of cranky making days in the process not the least of which were the days when I needed to be working on making the flower girl dresses and I couldn't get real help from Hubs - help he agreed to when we discussed how expensive flower girl dresses are. Anyway, I ended up making them in time even though that involved many LATE nights because I'd have to wait until the kids were in bed to do things. And the poor kids. The last 2 weeks, there were plenty of things I could do while they were awake and around; which meant not much attention from me. There was lots of running around, one day I went to 5 stores, then the mall which involved 7 stores and then one more store outside the mall. They were excellent though. I was even able to keep out a large portion of my supplies and equipment with minimal meddling from the kids. It was wonderful in that regard!
Then came rehearsal day, we couldn't swim when we got to my parents', there was lots of standing around following orders. A 2 year old without a nap late dinner etc. GR was a champ - AK refused to hold the ring pillow and GR gladly changed her role from flower girl to ring bearer, then my sister decided she would rather have no ring bearer than only one flower girl and GR went along with that even though she was really excited by the idea of delivering the rings. Finally dinner came. Sis picked a Japanese steak house and we had 3 tables - she separated the kids from the adults. Uh, this doesn't usually go well for mine but they did fine. They were with kids they barely knew (except Sis's daughter) and after some seating rearranging they were fine. Hubs and my cousin went to their table when it was time for the "show" which involved fire. They only ate their rice of course but they did well. Then we ended up staying at my parents' until --- 1:15 AM doing last minute wedding stuff that Sis hadn't done. And the kids were awake. Then at the wedding, lots of standing around, staying out of the way, not messing up their clothes, not getting regular meals, no naps, walking down the aisle in a room full of strangers, sitting quietly, posing for photos. AK ended up happily taking the pillow up to his uncle the best man, though he walked down with holding my hand instead of behind me, he tried to stand next to me then tried to go down the steps, stumbled whereupon he saw the room full of people and his daddy standing beyond the door so he went running back up the aisle with the cry of "DADDDDDYYYY!" The girls did their petals beautifully, but AT immediately turned around and began picking them up again. Lots more waiting and being careful and quiet through another round of photos. They had just about had it though when we finally got the opportunity to have a family portrait shot - who knows how that will turn out HAHA! Then the party at the church, then the party at my parents' , where once again they weren't allowed to swim (even though other kids were & they didn't fuss about it!) and we stayed really late again. Then Sunday, we went back to my parents' to visit out of town family. We didn't swim, but I told them I'd take them out after dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant, which they love at home but barely eat out. Thankfully there was pizza on the menu and again they behaved beautifully and played well with their second cousins. Finally, we got home, got everyone suited up and out to the pool. I was last in coming because I was last to have a chance to dress. As I hit the deck, everyone was on their way back in - lightning was spotted on the horizon. No tears, no arguing. My niece summed up both the situation and everyone's attitude very well "Well, we don't get to go swimming but at least we won't die."

What is it?

2009-06-28T12:02:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling cranky and out of sorts. Not like myself. I had a terrible dream last night and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm feeling disconnected from my friends. I feel a pent up energy from all the projects I want to do but since I can't it's not a good energy, it's turning sour. I'm feeling discouraged with Hubs job search: there are some jobs in far away states none here and none close. I don't know if he's applied to those or not: he'd told me he'd apply to anything that came up, but I don't know if he actually has. Having to move is better than going bankrupt. I totally understand why he didn't go for a BSME but it's hard knowing that all of the jobs he's interviewed for went to BSMEs even though they were advertised as ID. (Although, who knows who was hired by the cheapskates. The company relisted the job under its various division names at a much lower rate than they were initally offering). I'm still not sleeping. Hubs was home by himself all day and did nothing much. He unearthed some old stereo equipment, messed around with it and played computer games. Then after we got home - he took a nap. He didn't help with the kids and then stayed up late online.
I have no energy am in a lot of pain and have had a higher than usual level of headache for the past several weeks. I need a shower, if I'd had one maybe I'd be feeling differently right now - that and if I'd slept after 4am this morning.

How can he not know?

2009-06-27T11:02:00.000-04:00

Somehow Hubs manages to leave food smears and spills all over the house. Almost any door jamb he walks through will show evidence of his hands or what ever drink he's carrying. Don't even look at the base boards next to the kitchen door or the back door - yikes all that coffee! Some mornings you could play puddle jumper from the bedroom down the hall, stairs, and to the kitchen backtracking his steps from earlier. But really, how can he stand at the counter, pouring his coffee and not know he's spilling this much? Sorry for the low pix quality, photoshop is being buggy.

Kinship from an unlikely source

2009-06-25T21:37:00.003-04:00

Hubs somehow found out about a publication and decided to try the free copy to see if it was something he'd like. Predictably, he hasn't cracked the cover while I've read it in its entirety (if it weren't for me, none of his alumni or IDSA magazines/newsletters would be read either HAHA!). I didn't know what to expect from something he's chosen, his interests are so varied and he likes to read things that are way outside his world in order to learn more about others. Anyway...
The magazine was The Sun, here's an interesting interview with it's publisher that gives some idea as to the content of the magazine.
You never can tell where you'll find kinship in this world, but that fact of the matter is that people are more alike than different (aside from those with serious psychosis of course). One of the regular features is from the publisher and this month had an entry that rang true with me. I've never really stopped to think what I might have in common with a 60 year old, journalist, Jewish, man. But now that the connection has been brought to my attention, perhaps I'll remember to look for the connections I might have with others with a broader stroke. If nothing else, he and I like to start sentences with "but"!
Here's the portion that made me stop and think about this
(I also really loved the article by John Malkin and learned something about MLK that I didn't know, thanks public school education)
From: The Sun, June 2009 Issue
Excerpted from "Sy Safransky's Notebook"
If I do nothing else today, let me remember to stop maligning myself. What an ingrained habit that is: the finger-wagging and finger-pointing, my own Republican attack machine finding fault with nearly everything I do. "Sy Safransky wants us to believe there are only twenty-four hours in a day. That's not change we can believe in." "Sy Safransky insists he's doing the best he can. But his best clearly isn't good enough." What do I say to the bullies in the room, to the disembodied scolding voices of the dead parents and dead teachers and dead rabbis? They're all gone now, and I'm a man in my sixties, a voice of authority myself. Why be pushed around by ghosts? Why try to curry favor with them by making jokes at my own expense? What a rich tradition of self-effacing mockery can I draw upon: the gallows humor of shtetl Jews who considered it a good day if they could make their tormentors laugh. But those tormentors are dead, too, just more ghosts jockeying for a place in line. So listen up, ghosts: After all these years of being criticized and diminished and demeaned, I say, Enough! A man's home can't be his castle if he's living in a haunted house. So, by the power invested in me by the consciousness that is my birthright, I shove my boot up your phantasmagoric asses and kick you our the door.

He's hanging around a lot

2009-06-24T15:44:00.003-04:00

I may have mentioned that my computer is dying a slow death, if not here than at my other site. I haven't been using it much, which wasn't really a big deal while Hubs was at work but proves a different challenge with him home so much. Now that the initial force of getting things done has had it's predictable wind down, he's on the computer a lot and when he does let me have some time, he's frequently sitting right next to me. Not to spy or anything, I think, but out of laziness and perhaps a little possessiveness.
We've been getting along OK except that when ever he asks for my opinion or to help solve some problem, he will most likely do the opposite of what I said - with bad results. It's very frustrating. Not only is it the frustration of "Why even ask me in the first place" it's also the fact that I have to deal with the consequences AND I'm usually the one who has to fix it.
Not that having him out of the house will solve that particular problem but this morning he was given a 4 week contract that will start the first full week of July,. I just hope he doesn't squander the remainder of his time at home as he's been doing for the last couple of weeks. It's with the company he was most recently with, so what I'm silently hoping is that this lift on contractors freeze will quickly lead to a lift on their hiring freeze.

Whistle while you work

2009-06-13T14:00:00.000-04:00

because it is better than muttering under your breath.

For certain things, Hubs and I just do not work well together. And we seem to be undertaking many of those things since he has been home.

Are details necessary? Because I could give you details - details out the wazoo. I'll be happy when he gets another job for so many reasons other than the paycheck. Although, to tell the truth, when we are getting along, I do really like having him around all the time; most of the time; some of the time

Looking for the light

2009-06-13T01:28:00.002-04:00

I let myself get somewhat discouraged with blogging here just because I couldn't get the photos I wanted to accompany my anniversary post. It's the fault of my scanner and not blogger or anything. Yet, sometimes I get so stuck in the perfectionist side of myself that I can't let it go. But there's been quite a few things happening here. Not the least of which was the passing of another anniversary, not a good one. We passed the 1 year mark of Hubs being without an official job. He's had some contract work to tide us over but this last one was not enough income to meet the bills so we've been slowly whittling away at the bank account. And now the job is over. It's hard to look at it and know we can only make it 2 more months - or less if something big comes up. It's also frustrating to know that there were several positions at this company that he was recommended for that had hiring freezes put on so they thought they'd move him to another project, as a contractor, after his non-compete agreement from his last full-time job ran out this month but the kibosh was put on contract workers, too. He was told he was the most qualified person for the contract job he interviewed for last week, but it went to someone cheaper. Gee thank you head-hunters for revealing to the company that he'd like to get more money BEFORE they offered a job. Just because his goal rate at a full-time job is $X doesn't mean he won't work for 75% of $X. (And then please, please don't call the next day about a job that pays less than half of that rate. If you feel the need to reveal to 1 potential employer that his goal is more than the job pays, why-oh-why would you even bother putting him in for a CAD drafting job? "Yes, we have the perfect person for the job, but he'd like to be paid 250% of your offer")
Sorry, job/money worries took over this post. I can't talk to Hubs about it, he gets discouraged, depressed and surly. Besides, it's not like he's not thinking about it, too. And if I tell my parents they just worry too much. And though my friends are aware of it, I don't really talk about it with them because it's a depressing topic and hard to make a segue from!

Wow

2009-06-08T16:12:00.003-04:00

Hubs and I have been having a rough couple of weeks, I'm working on writing some of that out. But today as he clearly saw that not only was I having trouble with the kids doing as they were told - which was to get dressed, clean up their mess, specific tasks for accomplishing those things etc. I was also not really able to accomplish anything myself because 1. they would not help. 2. what they were doing was either getting in the way or making more mess and 3. they were squabbling amongst themselves so much that I was doing little other than intervening. He came and told a crying-out-of-frustration me that he would take the kids out somewhere to get a snack and play - him all by himself with 3 kids. He called a few minutes ago to get a recommendation on a shady park. He hates going to the park but he's doing it for me and the kids!!! I just had to take a break from sweeping/vacuuming/mopping to tell you!

PS If I didn't have kids I'd never hang out at the park either - duh!

Art class

2009-05-29T15:33:00.003-04:00

If I do home school for a long period of time, I do intend to teach my children about various artists and great periods in art. Apparently my 2 year old is already preparing for those lessons by practicing her Michelangelo impersonations on the underside of our dining room table. It was the 3rd such incident (incidence?) this week. Why the sudden resurgence of drawing on the house nearly 2 years after she last did it? (It was her favorite activity once she realized that when Mommy was nursing the baby, I can't see what she's doing in another room)
I love kids' art, I hate it on the house / furniture!

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-28T11:52:00.001-04:00

I'm thankful that we've had no major health issues for our kids so far. My friend's 2 yo great-niece just had, successful, surgery to remove tumors from her brain and other locations, she woke up after a time on ventilators. We haven't had further updates but this is not the first child in my greater personal world that has been terribly ill. It's just different when you know a family who is experiencing this (different from news reports).

And on a lighter note, I'm thankful for last year's gift of a well loved picnic table from the parents of Violin Mama when they moved to a retirement condo. We use it often and ate dinner there tonight. Perhaps we can have some more bring-over-your-dinner-and-eat-with-us-nights - that is if we ever get on the same schedule HAHA!

And I'm thankful that Violin Mama and her husband are going out tomorrow for their anniversary because this means I get to watch Val, whom I get way too little time with thanks to a Jealous AK! He'll just have to deal with it tomorrow! (Love Lovely too, but she'll be elsewhere :( I know GR and AT will be sad about that. "I'm gonna miss [Lovely] when she's on cay-shun!" was a sob I heard tonight. I didn't dare tell them where she is going to be on "cay-shun")

My weekend - plus some

2009-05-27T21:52:00.004-04:00

Hubs and I went to Charlotte, NC for our anniversary. There was talk of going to Raleigh / Durham to see Duke Gardens but we decided that was too long of a car trip. I do not do well in the car. We got along really well the whole time. I even "nagged" him about his driving (he's been caught speeding and rear-ended someone recently. Just a little bump, but he was following too closely) and he took it really well. I'm not sure what constitutes "nagging" but I said things like "Can you not drive so close to this guy, he's a terrible driver" "What's the speed limit and how fast are you going?" "Peoplearestoppinginfrontofus!" so yeah, I guess I nagged, but just a little bit!
The trip wasn't much overall. Hubs likes to drive around and explore places. So we did that, lots and lots of that. Did I mention I don't do well in the car? I was wretched by the time we returned home, but my parents were going to have the kids for the next day and a half so I had some time to recover. AT was the only one to ask us to get her anything and all she asked for was a postcard. Did she get one? No. We didn't really do much but drive in Charlotte and I just didn't remember. I did remember on the way home so we stopped to get some postcards - none, stop, none, stop, none. We stopped 6 times! Poor thing! I can go into our local Publix and get postcards, but apparently no Cracker Barrel, truck stop or fireworks stores on 85 have them. Well, we didn't go to every CB, there's one about every 10 miles! Oh well. We got them some sparklers instead. Although, she hasn't mentioned it.

On Monday, after I slept late, went to Joann's AND took a nap, I started some sewing projects. If you're interested I'll post those on Neoteric Traditional - at some point! Hubs bought lumber to build a toy cabinet - it's a $200 frankenstein monstrosity. It looks terrible and I don't even want to put it in the house. He can do great work - I don't know what happened with this. We've been planning it for MONTHS. It looks like crap. I only hope I can save it with painters caulk, trim and paint. We got the kids around 10 or 10:30 PM last night. They were a cranky mess! AK seemed to really be happy we came but when I asked him if he was ready to go home he shook his head, said "No go home" and pouted. GR was nonchalant about it all. AT cried and cried. "Granma!" was the first thing she said this morning. I told her that I missed her when she was gone. She matter-of-factly said she didn't miss me. I told her I was glad she wasn't sad while I was gone but it would be nice if she had missed me a little. She replied "Just because I don't miss you doesn't mean I don't love you". Can't argue with that!

So how's that for a rambling update! I didn't know where I was going with it when I started and I still don't know where I ended up. That's just the state of mind I'm in. I'm practically sleep walking through the day so why not blog? HAHA!

(I'm sorry)

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-21T23:58:00.003-04:00

I've had a really crabby day. Nights and nights without proper sleep do that to a person. I was going to sulk and not do this post today. I was going to wait until tomorrow when I've, hopefully, slept. I was on my way to turn out all the lights and check the door when I heard a scuffing sound from the carport. It was probably the wind, but if I hadn't been there those extra couple of seconds I wouldn't have seen a fat black spider creep in under the door. I wouldn't have stepped on it. And I wouldn't have known that the reason it was so fat was that it was covered in babies. And I stepped on them too, because baby spiders don't even figure into the home of MY babies.

9th Wedding Anniversary

2009-05-20T15:57:00.001-04:00

Well, I think the title pretty much says it. 9 years ago on this day I stepped into a white marble church in Charleston as one person and came out as, well, the same person, but with a different name. Only not really because I still had to go to the SSA office to change it.

In the past 9 years some things have changed, or not as the case may be, but I still love my husband. Even though he drives me crazy, which is something that hasn't changed. Hubs is a man I can be many things with. Silly and serious, doofus and intelligent, childlike and mature. He is those things right along with me. Our fundamental beliefs are in line with each other, if not exactly the same: spirituality, religion, parenting, fidelity, finances. There are a few bumps in those areas, but none like the bumps in the more "superficial" aspects of our relationship. Even though on the "superficial" side, I question our compatibility and our staying power, it is the fundamentals that keep us together.

Much to my parents' surprise/shock/dismay Hubs and I moved in together before we were married. In fact we moved in together, rather I moved into his house, soon after we realized the relationship was headed toward marriage. I'm not actually sure if my parents were shocked or dismayed, they never said that, but my mom did say she didn't think it was a good idea. I, on the other hand, felt that if we were indeed to be married that I ought to know what it was like living with him 24/7 beforehand. A lesson I took from my mother's own experiences with her first husband, so after explaining that, I got full support from my parents. So lest my complaining has made you think otherwise, I knew pretty much what I was getting in for. Only I was too naive at the time to realize the excuses weren't valid. And that's not even quite right. There ARE reasons, it seems like something is always interfering in "normal" life. But that's the thing - this idea we have of "normal" life doesn't exist. It never has and never will - THIS is "normal". Which is why the excuses aren't valid. That being said, if I had moved into his house only after we were married, I think it would have been a lot tougher to adjust. There is somewhat of a shock to the system after you get married and to have the shock of his lack of cleanliness skills on top of that... well, I think we would have joined the statistics of couple who divorce after a couple of years.

It has been a struggle and some days, weeks, or months continue to be a struggle, but there have been some very incredible moments as well. So help me, sometimes I have no idea why, but I love him very much - always have, always will.

I didn't wash my hair today

2009-05-15T15:52:00.001-04:00

Well, that's not exactly true, but when I was in the shower it didn't feel anything like washing my hair.
I'm one of those people who wash their hair everyday. I just don't feel like myself if I don't and further, I don't look like myself since I have an oily complexion. I've had issues with oily skin since before I hit puberty, and when I did hit puberty, I couldn't make it through a whole day without looking greasy. I Hated it! Still do. Won't go camping because I know I won't have fun after the first day - feeling dirty. I can handle the sticky, sweaty, pee in the woods part, it's the dirty hair part I can't stomach.
Then I was pregnant with my first kid. We didn't find out the gender, but if any of the old wives' tales were true, I was having a boy. The tale I refer to is that baby girls steal your beauty. That you'll get terrible hair, skin and pallor. But I looked great. I had less acne than usual and less oily sheen. My hair was shiny, more wavy than ever, and I could actually skip a day shampooing! I went out in public with out a fresh shampoo and without make up for the first time since I started wearing pressed powder and lip gloss in 7th grade (acne started in 5th grade). (Incidentally, I looked worse with each of the following 2 pregnancies. Being pregnant with a boy - yikes, do you know what even a little testosterone does to a complexion?)
Anyway. I had heard that, for some people, their hair/skin isn't as oily as they think it is but that they are stripping too much oil away by using too strong a product thus making their body produce extra to compensate. I was interested but too scared to try. Silly, right? It made sense for my face though because after washing it, it felt tight and dry, even after moisturizer. So I took this 1st-pregnancy-complexion-miracle as a chance to try products for "normal" people. I don't know how much of a difference it made, but I'm no more oily now than I was before and I haven't had a split end in ages - although I probably attribute that more to not blow drying everyday.
Still, I've become more aware of the high chemical content of our everyday lives. I wear deodorant only on days when I probably won't be getting sweaty. I filter my kitchen tap (after wearing out 2 distillers). I buy what organics I can afford / find easily. I use vinegar and baking soda or Green Works to clean (when hubs recently cleaned the dining table with my old "digitized" cleaner, it gave me a huge headache I couldn't believe I used that stuff so much before!) Don't get me wrong, I'm still using chemicals in a lot of areas of my life that I could probably cut them out of easily, but I'm starting. But what really brought me around on the shampoo-less wash were the testimonies of healthy, shiny, full, clean-for-days hair.
I didn't move fast on this, though. After months of contemplation I decided I'd start with a vinegar rinse. I bought small bottles of vinegar, which have sat on the shelf for a couple of weeks. But last night I decided I'd take advantage of a streak of less oily days that I'd been having and try a shampoo-less wash.
It was odd. It didn't feel like my hair was getting clean. Although my hands and skin area around my hair felt silky, but like something was on it that needed to be washed off. Put 1 tablespoon of baking soda in a squeeze top water bottle with more than a cup of water. I tasted the baking soda so I knew I needed to be more careful with the vinegar rinse. I used a pretty dilute solution of vinegar - no measuring but maybe 1:3. My hair never felt silky like my skin did, I couldn't even run my fingers through it. I was dubious on the results, even knowing it would take a few weeks to get used to it. I'd read that people's hair was tangle free after this but I wasn't buying it, mine was a roughed up mess. And it still didn't feel clean to my hands. I rinsed out the vinegar. It didn't take much for the smell disappear, so that was good. I got out of the shower and contemplated letting my hair dry without combing it. But I don't like that, so with some trepidation I grabbed my brush. And it slid right through like when I use separate conditioner (as opposed to 2in1). It seems like it took longer for my hair to dry, but that could simply be because I was waiting on it to dry. But my scalp did itch a lot during that time. I don't know if that's related. The verdict. Day one is OK, my hair looks fine and feels clean. I'll keep trying it to see if I get any of the other perks. If I don't, I'm not sure I'll keep this up. It takes A LOT longer than usual and my shower time is precious little.

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-14T13:46:00.003-04:00

Things happen during the week and I think, "I ought to jot that down so I won't forget it" then I forget to write it down.

I'm thankful that my son's scary looking fall only led to a scrape on the noggin.

I'm thankful that I had a good Mother's Day

I'm thankful that I have a mom who loves me just the same as she did when I was little

I'm thankful that she doesn't treat me the same as she did when I was little (I just mean that she doesn't still "parent" every little thing like you have to do with little kids)

I'm thankful for ViolinMama, who really does have a rosy outlook, even if it takes a few moments to put those glasses on some days. (and I'm thankful for that too, I don't think we'd be as close if her rose colored glasses were permanently affixed HAHA!)

I'm thankful for those who are reading this list: feeling like you are being heard - I understand the appeal of blogging so much more now than when I started.

The Mother's Day that was: part 2

2009-05-11T16:47:00.004-04:00

When I heard the kids starting to get up on Mother's Day, I honestly didn't know what to expect. But Hubs got them going, made them potty first, changed the baby's diaper and even made the one kids who's in night time pull-ups put on panties. I felt really terrible so I gladly stayed in bed. Then a while later he brought me breakfast in bed. Pancakes, which is his specialty (second to spaghetti), and a few doughnut holes. He told me he'd need some time in which I wasn't downstairs and some time in which I could watch the kids so he could shower. I said, the kids are eating so why don't you shower now and I'll keep an ear out then I can do my stuff in here while you need me out of there. He wasn't happy with the suggestion, but he complied. So I had my time and you know I did all sorts of fancy stuff that I rarely get to do. Things like use BOTH shampoo and conditioner, shave my legs AND underarms, trim my nails, take more than 10 seconds picking out clothes, put on make up. I did actually get to use some 60 second pedicure gel on me feet which was new. Things I used to do on a nearly daily basis. If I didn't like to actually sleep, I'd spend an hour a day getting ready in the morning and an hour at night.
Afterwards I got the kids dressed and packed up the supplies to go to my parents'. Hubs was doing something mysterious, which I was happy about. So we went, I "reminded" him that it was his duty to fix the kids' plates. He got attention and sympathy for standing at the counter doing this while everyone else was eating. I joked that that's what I do every time and no one seems to notice. My sister said that's because Hubs is funny and keeps them entertained at the table so they don't notice my absence. Thanks sis! (My mom and sister do help me fix kids plates occasionally). Then I got my presents. I reached into the bag and pulled out 3 home-made cards! Hubs took a pic of each kid that morning and printed it out. He pasted it on the outside of some chip-board and inside he pasted pictures he had the kids draw while he was cooking breakfast. He had each draw a picture of me and he wrote a quote for why they love me and traced their hand (the hand thing is our card tradition). I was so taken aback by it and so happy that I had forgotten I had the external drive too.
It was a wonderful day!

The Mother's Day that was

2009-05-11T16:07:00.003-04:00

On Mother's Day, May 11, 2003 I took a pregnancy test. I knew I was in a position to take the test and made a point of telling my husband I would be taking the test several times during the previous few days. We were in Indiana with my mother visiting her grandmother. TWO STRIPES!!! I WAS PREGNANT!! My husband's clear lack of enthusiasm was written off by me as being due to the fact that I had woken him up to tell him the news. Later when I fully realized he had not gotten me anything I told him I had been hoping he would mark the day by getting me a Mother's Day gift. In a huff, he pulled into a drugstore lot, went in and bought me... a 100 grand bar and an Arizona green tea.
Things didn't necessarily improve over the past few years either. I've told him all I want is to have the morning off from kid duty and to get something that he and the kids made together. I've never gotten the morning off. I've gotten them up, ready and fed every year. I've gotten things they made at school or with me. Year before last he got me 3 cheap potted plants - buying them while I was getting the kids up and going. And actually only 1 was for me the other 2 were for the girls. When I didn't run out and plant them immediately (a week later) he asked me when I was going to. I said I wasn't. That I wasn't happy with a gift that required not only yard work from me, but required me to arrange a time when I wasn't with the baby to take the other 2 out to get totally messy, which I would then have to clean up. A gift that he bought while I was taking care of the kids, which is actually all I asked for. (I knew better at that point than to expect him to do an art project with them)
Last year, I still had to take care of the kids that morning but he did make breakfast. I was angry about that so to "make up for it" I would get to go to my regularly scheduled monthly night out. (Which didn't happen because he basically wanted to punish me because out-of-state family suddenly showed up at my parents that afternoon and I wanted us all to go the whole 33 miles over there to visit them. Even though he got home on Monday an hour before my meet-up time, he was just too busy to watch the kids. What did that "busy" include? Eating dinner, taking an hour long nap, wandering around the house, and an hour and a half to trim his father's nails.) The gift that year was a 6 pack of Hershey's bars. Now, don't get me wrong, I like chocolate. But I don't believe I have ever bought a Hershey bar, aside from s'mores supplies, in the decade we had been together. PLUS every time he buys me candy, he then asks for a small bite and proceeds to eat more than half of it. We have had fights about that. Don't buy me a gift and then ask to have some - and then eat more of it than I do. Guess what he got for Father's Day last year? The same pack of Hershey's Bars. It took him a couple of days to eat them and a couple of weeks to realize what I had done.

So, you can see where my thoughts were this year. One day last week he asked me what I'd like to have. I told him an external drive so I can have all my photos in one place. He kept changing his mind about going to get it. On Friday he complained about all the "crap" that we were doing that was keeping him from what he really wanted to do. The crap included a family trek to a small botanical garden with a miniature train display (for National Train Day, which living "in" Atl (a city built because of the massive amount of rail going through it) and having a local train museum with a short rail ride, I thought there would be more going on but that was it within at least 30 miles of the city) and Mother's Day.
The botanical garden was nice, my parents came, lunch afterwards didn't work out like planned and although we were very close to the store he planned to purchase my gift from, he elected to not go. That evening, he groused again about how terrible this weekend was for him. Did he have to go tonight to get me the present or could he go in the morning? I told him it was more important to me to have the morning off than to have a present; that I didn't like it that he was complaining so much about Mother's Day; that if he didn't want to do anything for me to not do it -(it wasn't like I wasn't used to a crappy Mother's Day). He stormed off and about an hour later left the house leaving very upset children behind for me to deal with. When he returned he was in better spirits and apologized for being so cranky about the plans for the weekend.

Can't I eat in peace?

2009-05-09T10:31:00.002-04:00

One thing I don't love about being a mommy is being expected to give away the food off my plate. Especially when they have the exact same thing on theirs. Or when they have 5 kinds of cereal in the cabinet but MUST have my one kind that just has one small serving left. But I give it to them anyway - right out of my bowl. I love them more than anything, even food.

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-07T11:51:00.001-04:00

I'm thankful for the things my kids say
-My eldest says she rubs my kisses in so they will fall to her heart and fill it up with love.
- My eldest will be a ballerina and a horse trainer. My youngest (daughter) will "just be a horse that watches trains".

I'm thankful that my sister wasn't involved in any car accidents, though there were 2 close calls last week, one escaped by mere feet and one by a few seconds.

I'm thankful for MY MOM!!!

I'M THANKFUL I AM A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!

and I'm even thankful that Hubs refilled the soap dispenser for possibly the first time since I've been around!

Supersticious? Or just know my history?

2009-05-04T10:20:00.001-04:00

I think that if I get rid of my baby stuff, I will surely get pregnant again. I'm seriously considering holding on to it until after Hubs as a vasectomy and it's been proven to have worked.

Lesson learned

2009-05-03T23:49:00.001-04:00

Don't lend (baby) clothes to someone if you wish to put them in the memory box.

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-30T23:03:00.000-04:00

I'm thankful when I can get to the computer to post things!
I'm thankful my sister has found a man who is good for her and for her daughter.
I'm thankful that she's having a wedding of some sort. Even though I would probably do mine differently if I could go back, I'm glad I had that special day.
I'm thankful my husband drove me to the craft store after dark. Even though I would have had more time there if we didn't all have to get ready to go, I prefer not driving so far in the dark.
I'm thankful for having friends who share the crafting bug (went to craft store to buy supplies so we can all do a project together)
I'm thankful that my children love Halloween so much that they looked at one of my stockpiled halloween magazines planning costumes and decorations for more than 30 minutes -nicely and "quietly"

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-23T17:07:00.002-04:00

I'm thankful for:
My children who bring me such joys and challenges as I'd never thought possible
My friends who like to spend the evening crafting
My friends who don't like to spend the evening crafting ;)
That I do have a husband, (rather than having been divorced or widowed)
That my daughters have enough undies to make it through 2 weeks (even though they might not have enough clothes to do so)

Is this really who I am?

2009-04-18T02:02:00.000-04:00

I think that I'm probably lazy and self-involved. Great, just what I was aspiring to be.
I wasn't always. I've been beat down a bit and am in protective mode some so I see how I got here. Now, though, is the time to pull out of it. Now, though, is a time when my brain isn't working so well and my body is exhausted. I simply don't remember to be the friend that I want to be, or worse yet, courses of action don't even occur to me.
But, here's what I also am - scared. It is way less risky to be lazy and self-involved than it is to put myself out there. When phone calls go unreturned, invites go unanswered, or confessions go unsupported, I withdraw a little more. When I see a group of friends getting closer, and I'm not included, I withdraw a little more.
I've spent most of my years being the opposite of lazy and self-involved for my friends. I still never had the closeness I desired and always ended up being used and/or abused in some way.
But here I am now at 31 and I don't know what a healthy friendship is. Yes, I have friends and I don't think any of them are using or abusing me, but I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do. Those specific things I mentioned up there - those have happened to me with my current group of friends. I recently read and article that said not to take those types of things personally, that the other person probably is just busy. That may be the case sometimes, but I think there is something about me that puts out an "unimportant" vibe, or "uninteresting", "tiring", "not friend material" something. I've confessed to having a public persona and here I've just said I was lazy and self-involved so I can see how I can put off a negative vibe - I don't know how to make friends and I'm scared of rejection. I don't know what to do about it and I'm afraid my lack of "skills" is hurting someone.
My husband is home now so I'll post this and continue later.

I don't know where I was going

2009-04-18T00:26:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure why those words came out of my mouth last time. About my niece, I mean. She is a wonderful girl. I'm just weary and spread thin and was not handling her need for constant interaction very well. She's an only child who has had reason to not feel very stable in her life (through circumstance only, the intentions of her/my family have always been the best at heart) so it makes sense for her to have this need. It is true that she is babied and requires a lot of work but that was not something I necessarily should have spoken about, as it is my problem in handling it not hers.
I'm sure at the heart of it is my jealousy. My sister lives closer to my mother than I do and has always relied on my parents to care for my niece. Sister and niece lived with my parents for several years. When she was a toddler, niece was with my parents constantly even traveling with them when they went out of town. Even now, she sees them almost every day and regularly spends the weekend with them. Keeping up with my niece has been an excuse on many occasions why my parents couldn't visit with my kids.
When my sister started talking about having another baby in the near future, I was upset. Partly because she expects my parents to raise this child too and they're hardly in condition to do it and partly - mostly - because of what it would mean for my kids. I already keenly feel their lower status in my parents' lives, but add a baby to the mix and well, I'm afraid we'll be reduced to holidays only. Which is how it is for some families, but we live only 40 minutes away. I confessed these feelings to my mother and in the nicest way possible she said Too bad, I'm going to choose your sister and any child she has every time.

Recently niece's dad (for future reference, I will probably never call him step-dad as she has no relationship with her bio-father) has been laid off so he has been getting her after school. I can't tell you how many times my mother has told me how much she misses my niece, at any rate, it feels like more than she has told me she misses my kids. When on the phone with my sister early last week, to discuss niece staying with me. I mentioned that I was surprised to find out that on my sister's rare day off work that my niece was staying with my mother. -Yeah [husband] and I wanted to spend some time together today. And mom calls me everyday to ask if she can have [niece] over. She always tells me how much she misses her, how her heart hurts to be away from her so much, so I decided to let her spend today with her since I wasn't letting her stay the whole week [of spring break]. - Really, I say, because when my kids are with them all they talk to me about is how soon I can come pick up the kids. Which is true, there's never been a visit where each phone conversation doesn't include this question. Never a visit where I don't get the distinct feeling they've overstayed their welcome. Which is typically 2 nights every 6 weeks or so. But I blurted that out without even realizing it. I think I said it pretty matter-of-factly. I didn't then and don't now think my sister told me what she did to hurt me, she was just telling me and her reply to me was a sort of shocked moment later, oh well, she's always telling me how much she misses your kids too... - you know the kind of add on statement someone makes when they realize they've stuck their foot in their mouth. Anyway, it wasn't something I meant to say, it probably wasn't something I should have said. I think though, that it was something that was repeated. This time my mom had offered to keep the kids while she had my niece on spring break, but it just wasn't working out so she said she'd keep them a couple of days starting Easter night. On a usual stay, this would mean I'd get them on Tuesday afternoon. But on Tuesday, my husband, seeing my emotional state, called my mom and asked if they could stay until Wednesday, after consulting my dad, she said yes. Then on Wednesday, I asked if we could pick up the kids that evening (when Hubs would be there to drive instead of me) - and she said Yes. Hubs and I both noted several times that we were not asked when we were coming to get the kids. On Wednesday it dawned on me that sister must have said something to mom, although nothing was said to me. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

A decent week

2009-04-15T12:33:00.003-04:00

I had a pretty good week last week except for Saturday. It was spring break, but that doesn't mean much because my kids are not in pre-school this year. I did have my niece for a couple of nights though. She's an only child who has been mostly raised by my mother since my sister is a single mom. Or was a single mom. She is recently married to a younger (but not much) man who is really good for her. Yes, they have their issues, but she is a much better mom now that he's around and he's pretty natural with kids. Which isn't necessarily expected of men, especially men in their young to mid 20's. I digress. There was a point when I didn't like to keep my niece because she was SO much work. She was "babied" in so many ways (sometimes this is behaviour from the adults because they don't want to deal with the work or additional mess/time it takes to get a child to do things for themselves). It was harder to look after her than it was to look after my 2 girls. She doesn't necessarily adapt well to doing things differently in different households. This is especially true of eating. I don't let my kids snack all day and we rarely eat sweets. This is hard on my niece and she whines "all day" because of it. Especially for sweets. Which is exactly why I have a no more than 1 sweet a day rule. Once they have a treat they know to stop asking. If they do ask again, a reminder is usually all they need. There are of course special days, like Easter, where the rule is relaxed, but they still have to eat fruit and veggies.
Obviously this post is a little meandering. I just haven't posted in a while and felt I should. Now I feel I should stop! HAHA!

So I mentioned this last week

2009-04-10T15:33:00.002-04:00

I said I was waiting to hear back from a blogger I like on whether or not she minded being quoted... then I realized that even though I "replied" to a message that displayed her e-mail, it actually went nowhere because of internet blog stuff that I don't understand. So, I tried again this time asking her in a comment on another post and she responded quickly, but I haven't been checking. So if this preface is long enough for you, I'd like to present Dancing Mermaid. She is a soulful lady who brings art to kids, magic to strangers, and a feeling of connection to kindred spirits throughout the internet.
This is her post that I wanted to share last week as my Thankful Thursday post, because I am thankful I found her, I am thankful for her words which are often reflections of my feelings but put more beautifully than I am able, words that help me feel not so alone and words that show me the light side when I am stuck in the dark.

"a bit on being happy….

happiness is not passive.
it does not gently take your hand and
lead you to a magic fountain where you live
happily ever after.

happiness requires action.
happiness takes balls.

it does not care if you need to lose 20 pounds.
it does not care how many designer shoes you have.
it does not care how many times you’ve made the same mistake.
it does not care that you are tired.
it does not care how much money you have.
it does not care how bad he hurt you.
it does not care how dirty your house is.
it does not care how broken you feel.
it does not care what color you are.
it does not care what you did yesterday.
it does not care about the reasons it won’t work.
it does not care that you want to give up.
it does not care that she has more than you.
it does not care how scared you are.
it does not care how many facebook friends you have.
it does not care about what is fair and equal.

and most of all,
it does care about waiting for the right time.

happiness responds to fighters.
the ones that have no reason to hope
but get up each day and love it anyway.

happiness favors those who decide
that instead of being a victim today,
they are going to be the hero
by finding gratitude and grace
even under the most painful of circumstances.

no, happiness is not passive.
it is a kick ass warrior goddess
who is not afraid to rock her own world."

Sometimes in my crankiness, I forget that it's not just about getting rid of the crankys. You do have to get rid of them, but that doesn't equal happiness. You also have to find happiness, and sometimes that can be just as hard.

ACK this time I really did forget

2009-04-10T15:13:00.002-04:00

Oh so today is Friday, that means yesterday was THURSDAY!

The number one thing I'm thankful for is that no harm came to us from the woman who came up to our house asked my 5 year old(who was looking out the living room windows) to open our front door.

PS Thankful Thursday

2009-04-03T12:27:00.002-04:00

I didn't forget Thankful Thursday, (until I did), I was hoping to hear back from a blogger if I could quote one of her posts. I'm going to wait a few more days before I share it with you. I'd like to quote her words here because she says things so much better than I could and because she speaks to my heart. If I don't hear back from her soon, I'll just do a post linking to her blog.
For now:
I'm thankful GR finally coordinated all of her, umm "bodily functions", at the same time so there are no more pull ups, day or night!
I'm thankful AT is the kind of person who always gives people compliments. It's VERY nice to hear "You look beautiful, Mommy" and "You're a good Mommy because you [hug and kiss us/read stories/make food for us/just because]"
I'm thankful AK said he loves me for the first time (he's 20 months old)
I'm thankful Hubs gave the kids a bath last night when I was just too fed up to do it.

Public Persona

2009-04-02T16:13:00.002-04:00

A lot of people have a public persona, I think. Even ones who are usually happy and content in their lives have bad days but still have to interact with the world. There are some people who have such a carefully crafted public persona that no one would ever guess what was going on "at home" until something bad happens. But there are less extreme fakers too: they are all smiles and friendly while they steal from you, spread rumors, or plot lies to get out of spending time with you. There are the fakers who seem happy and well off when in fact they are on the brink of financial ruin just to keep up that facade - to impress people who are probably fakers themselves. And then there's your average, run-of-the-mill public persona. The person who can say "I'm doing OK" "Everything's fine" and smile and laugh but really they are sad and feeling isolated, for no good reason except they are depressed. At least I'd like to think of my public persona as being average. The part that can smile and laugh is a real part of me, the part I wish I was more often. And the other part is kinda "fake it to make it". When I'm with my friends, I just enjoy being around them and in a way I forget what's going on and "I'm OK" isn't really such a lie. I feel relaxed, comparatively, when I'm with them. Still, part of me is missing. Part of me has been eaten up by stress, pain, exhaustion and depression. And even though I can shield some of that when I'm with others, it's just that - a shield. It may "protect" them from my darker side but it also keeps some of the good stuff from projecting out too. But, for now, I'll keep it. I need it. It's not that it's not real, just that it allows me to forget some of this other junk.

Who are you?

2009-04-02T01:08:00.004-04:00

I can't help it, I wonder who are the people who live near me that are reading this. I don't know, I think it is connected to what ever it is that likes to know where other bloggers live. Like knowing their physical location makes them seem more real and not some entity made up of HTML/CSS coding. Not all stalkery, but in a "this is my town and these are fun things to do here" type way. But those who live near me could be IRL friends who just haven't piped in, which doesn't seem like any of my IRL friends! But then again some of them have said that I seem to be "on top of things". And now I'm traveling down a whole other road whose residents are self-doubt, timidity, masks, endless analyzing, friendship envy (as in I envy those who are able to make friends easily), and one of the core reasons I started this style of blog. On the surface it may seem that I started it simply to complain about Hubs, but really, I started it to get that off my chest. I hope that doing that helps me to stop projecting those pent up feelings of angst. By telling people, "hey this is really where I am in life" I hope to shed the layers of public persona and just be me. And the real me isn't so cranky. I miss the real me and am trying to expel the cranky, depressed and just plain tired person who can barely hold a conversation much less be witty, who is having trouble connecting. OK so this went from "Who are you?" to "Who am I?" and even with some severe editing, this is still a little hard to follow. So, um, where was I? Oh yeah, I better go to bed!

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-02T00:55:00.003-04:00

Or perhaps sarcastic Thursday. Perhaps you noticed way down at the bottom of this post, carelessly thrown in, I mentioned Hubs bad driving. He got another ticket and another citation for having an expired tag. Last time (on his car) I had paid the fee and sent in the paperwork but he didn't get an emissions test until the day it was due and never called it in. This time (in a car that's in my name but I practically refuse to drive) I was accused of not paying for the tag. I searched all over and didn't find any misplaced renewal notice. So I trudged on down to the tag office. (Well, to be fair to the office, they seem to move smoothly and there are usually less than 5 people in front of me, but since I'm whining I'm going with "trudged" - hey it is a 30 minute drive over about 10-12 miles (depending on the route)) Anyway - I trudge on down to the tax office hauling 4 kids with me (who were angels BTW) only to find out that the reason I couldn't find any errant renewal notices is because I filed it in the paid bills when I paid it in February. The reason it wasn't renewed is because, surprise, Hubs didn't get the emissions test done.
I'm thankful that it wasn't my fault the tag was expired.

Old purses

2009-03-27T16:53:00.003-04:00

I have a thing for purses, not a major thing just a small one and I'm really good at not acting on my impulse to buy them. I'm also good at getting rid of old worn out purses - that is once I get around to actually cleaning them out. I have a canvas purse that I got to use in place of having both a purse and diaper bag. It's large and has lots of compartments. I got tired of its plain-ness and went back to the dual bag method for more than a year. But it's time to bring it back as I'm just not in a "looking cute" mood lately. Clean and functional are my goals. So I got the bag out of the closet to finally clean it out so I can launder it. I found lots of un-used kleenex, kids' hair accessories, crayons - 2 handfuls, receipts and a blue M&M. I ate the M&M. So far I'm still alive. That is how bad I needed a chocolate fix. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless I start to go through those purses specifically to find lost M&Ms. I also found what appears to have been a french fry. I didn't eat that, aren't you proud?

Thankful Thursday

2009-03-26T22:31:00.004-04:00

I'm thankful I have children who for some reason think salad is a treat - no really. Once I bribed them to eat their greens by offering salad as a reward.
I'm thankful I have a husband who will go grocery shopping.
I'm thankful that I'm able to work on my criticism of when/how he goes grocery shopping.
I'm thankful that my parents will take my kids overnight every 6 weeks or so.
I'm thankful that I had enough file folders to make my 30something categories of papers that were on my kitchen counter.
And lastly, at this moment, I'm thankful for Malibu rum and Mango Mojito mix.
Thank you that's all.
except that, I realize how that last one may sound but I'm leaving it as is.

Cranky Thursday

2009-03-26T16:47:00.004-04:00

Thankful Thursday will follow, right now I need to be cranky / confess my crankies

I had a hard day on Tuesday, I'm not exactly sure what made it extra hard, hormones most likely. We had a picnic lunch invite but it took us more than an hour and 2 time outs before we left the house - to walk next door. Then AT wanted to stay to have quiet time with Radiant (am I remembering the nickname right?) Which I thought would be great because then GR and I could have some quality time together while AK napped. Nope, she was only interested in computer time, nothing else enticed her. And I indulged her, she's new to the computer and can't get on without battling AK who wants to bang the keys and AT who wants to tell her how to do everything / talk her out of her turn. I got dinner going at a decent time and it was delish. The kids agreed, but you'd never know by how long it took them to eat it. Hours of arguing about eating later and it's time to clean up and go to bed. Hours of arguing later and it's time to get in bed and still get 1 story (I have a hard time cutting that out) The girls both kept climbing on their doll-baby bed boxes. Over and over. They have had these doll-baby beds since Christmas '07. For a while, the beds weren't put together because I didn't have the time. After a while, it was because I'd seen a pattern of behavior - standing on top of the boxes. Daily. Everyday for more than a year, I've caught them standing or sitting on these boxes. This is an issue because the beds are slightly delicate and I don't want them to stand or sit on them once assembled. They needed to learn to resist the temptation of doing this, that would earn them the assembly of the beds. Am I wrong? Is this too much to expect of a 5 and 3 year old? But after a hard evening of whining and arguing, both girls repeatedly sat or stood on the boxes, right in front of me. One pattern was AT came in from the bathroom, directly to the box and sat down. Get off the box. She gets off puts a nighttime pull-up on, stands to pull them up, but instead sits on the box. Get off the box. She pulls up the pull-up, steps on the box to go to her closet. Get off the box. She gets her night gown, and sits on the box. GET OFF THE BOX. She puts on her nightgown, gets socks and sits.on.the.box. This whole thing takes about as long as it took you to read it. Seriously, she's 5, I ought to be able to expect her to remember something she's been told daily for more than a year, something that she just heard repeatedly told to her sister, something that I've JUST told her several times. I lost it. THAT'S IT WE'RE GETTING RID OF THE BABY BEDS AND YOU CAN NEVER HAVE THEM. I'M SICK OF YOU TREATING EVERYTHING LIKE TRASH. I took the boxes downstairs then went back up and told them I was tired of the arguing and whining that they needed to get in bed right now, if they still didn't have everything they wanted in bed that was too bad and I didn't want to see or hear them again until I got them up in the morning. I seethed in the hallway for a few moments, unable to catch my breath. Angry at them, angry at myself. Then went down stairs and cried. I don't know what happened to the beds but they aren't in my sight now. This morning, I told my mom she had to take them back. Wednesday, we started working on answering with "Yes Ma'am, I'll [repeat instruction] right now."
GR started getting smacky {this means she started smacking her sister} so I made her take a nap while AK did. AT and I layed in my bed I dozed while she watched Arthur. I was woken up by a phone call. Hubs rear-ended someone. Hubs has had 5 accidents and numerous speeding tickets in our 10 years together. He insists that he is a good and safe driver. I squinch my eyes and clench my fists when I'm riding with him. We argue about his driving.
The insurance cards are not in the car. and BONUS - the tag is expired. I spent the weekend feeling defeated by paperwork I went through everything and ended up with 37 file folders / categories of paperwork that was on my kitchen counter - not a single one of those envelopes was a tag renewal notice. (none were mortgage statements either (which are autopay) - something is going wrong with the mail either before it gets to the box or while it is waiting for us to get it out). As if I don't feel bad enough over my recent scatterbrain-ness with the bills, as if I wasn't already mad at Hubs for racking up more than $400 in bank nsf fees, just a week after I asked him if he had enough $ in his account. As if he hasn't had a real job in the last 9 months and we're running out of savings. As if I didn't see a glint at the end of the tunnel.
That's what makes it hard for me. Not feeling knocked further down than I was. I was a terrible mom the day before. I'm terrible with physically keeping up with bills that I do get, so it's impossible for me to keep up with the ones I don't even get. Hubs has spent thousands on bank fees due to lack of checking his balance over the years, thousands on paying for the consequences of his bad driving. I really want to crawl in a hole and say what's the point. So after I make/eat/clean up dinner, get the kids to put away toys, bathed, in jammies, in bed and what ever else comes up, I'll do Thankful Thursday.