Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Ramping up to the Anniversary

Still trying to make sure I do my 10 year justice, I've given some thought to some of the husband complaining that's going around the internet. I think blogs are great outlets for this activity, after all it was the primary reason I started this one. I had / have a quaint and much neglected little blog elsewhere, but technically all my family and friends know about it. I didn't want to start in on my complaints there because 1. some of my family and friends may have been tired of hearing me wax rhapsodic on the Hubs 2. I didn't want to share those kind of details with some of them and 3. I didn't want my complaints to color the view some people have of him. I only want to vent to people who will likely never meet him or who love him as I do i.e. despite his lazy behavior. Because, really, almost any complaint I have about the man boils down to laziness. Lack of follow through, not pulling his weight figuratively, not losing the actual weight he constantly complains about, leaving his damn dirty laundry in the small footpath I have right next to the laundry basket, etc. But yesterday, I gave some extra consideration to the irritations that are due to the male-female differences.

A couple of weeks ago when I gained a Twitter follower, @ToyWithMe, I didn't get very far in checking her out because, admittedly, I'm still a little uncomfortable with discussing and even reading anything to do with sex life outside my marital unit. However, yesterday another Tweeter (I don't remember who) sent a link to Toy With Me the blog. After reading the article about why men cheat (not a concern of mine, but I'm always interested in this topic) I looked around a bit and came to an article titled "Men - I'll Take the Good with the Bad." The Redhead (one of the contributors) touches on some fairly common husband/BF complaints and why she feels they are undue. Mostly I agree with her, but unless Hubs has just stepped out of the shower you will not find me relishing in his scent!

It is written from a humor stand point and not as a marital counseling article, so the parts I feel compelled to counter are irrelevant to the article itself, but pertain to the idea of complaints about husbands. While all those points on the natural behavior of men are good and true, there is a glaring omission that affects how we as women deal with it. Along with all our flaws, the average person is also equipped with self control, this includes men. They also have ears and brains that process and store information they gather via their ears. While there are positive aspects to the way men are wired, most of the drawbacks can be tempered if a man used his ears, brain and self-control.
(read the article, I'm about to vicariously bitch at my husband and it will make more sense if you know what she said.)
Seriously, who likes to be interrupted when recounting the problems of the day? Maybe it's not their problem solving instinct, but the interrupting and not listening part. I'm a problem solver, too, but I am usually able to listen to all the factors first. Being over-protective, too ready to get physical (fights and sex), possessiveness and being easily angered are all counter to the "sensibility" men supposedly have. It's all leaping before they look, not thinking it through. I really don't need you to drop everything you're doing and track me down in Target just because my cell doesn't get reception in there and you didn't know where I was every second that morning. You don't need you to drop it all either and if you could wait another 30 minutes, I'd be back on the grid. Here's another tip (that's oft repeated by me): If I've told you I've had a bad day, whether it's stress or headache or hormones, trying to feel me up isn't going to get you sex. The only dirty thing that will come from that is the look I'll give you while the dryer, oven and kids are all sounding their alarms while you're trying to get your hands down my pants. Use some of those problem solving skills: occupy the kids, fold the laundry, or bring me the ibuprofen and a glass of water. Anything that's helpful without me having to ask. Lord knows if you don't understand the basics of how a household works enough to figure that stuff out on your own, then you're just another kid to us and I'm pretty sure you'd rather have a partner relationship than a parent relationship with your wife. I know I would.

So, that's my husband rant for the day - just getting it out of my system people so I can, you know, be nice to him on our anniversary.


marymac said...

Well I certainly hope that you have a very lovely anniversary! I love @toywithme and I hope you aren't too offended by the whole 'talking about the sex outside the marriage' thing I do on Hump Day Wednesdays- I hope you will stop by on the other days! ;)
Thanks for visiting Pajamas and Coffee- I think your blog design is LOVELY!!!

ViolinMama said...

Oh goodness, where do I begin? That article by Redhead is way off the mark in regards to a LONG STANDING relationship. I keep forgetting it's "comical" LOL. All that stuff she wrote? It reminds me of the early months/years of dating. Maybe marriage. But you make things work in the long term, a guy has to learn to think with his BRAIN and not his possessive "organ" and "his" woman has to think as well and meet in the middle like all relationships should be. If a woman needs to give a BJ or constantly give in to sex when other areas of marriage are a struggle, then I feel bigger problems will come down the road. One is asking for trouble....not sex. Sex is not a cure all (no matter how a guy is wired) and love is not a cure all. Work and sacrifice are the basis for marriage - when those are in good form, then sex and love come more naturally and passionately. Both men AND women have to give up what they naturally want to get things on track. BOTH. Not the woman to the guy as Redhead keeps restating.

Sex CAN help in the sacrifice dept at times (letting him have sex one or 2 nights a week as the couple works through things probably would help him think or try harder perhaps) but a foundation can not be on sex. What if there was a accident, and one partner couldn't have sex anymore? What is there was a terrible illness? What about aging and sex issues. If sex is the only way your man functions (and we women act toward them), then he'd better practice some other ways of loving his woman when menopause sets in, or erectile dysfunction hits him. Many divorces happen in the first 2 years, then 7-12 years, or then post college, empty nest and 25 years. Hmmm...25 years...yeah...I bet the sex isn't the same at 25 years of marriage. If one has been using sex as Redhead suggests (which seemed more like the woman giving in, not a balance - but I know it was a comic article), then hubby will be looking for a younger model to trade us in for. That is, unless we have a foundation in hard work, communication, and sacrifice.

So, basically, I'm on your side with the issues you see in a man we all love, but know can be more of a challenge at times. The flipside of the "challenge" is all the fun parts of his personality, but the stuff YOU struggle with is valid. And, I personally know you work harder at things, so it overwhelms you to have him be possessive, check in (or drive by looking for you), questions things, etc when his other actions don't reflect his love for you (and yes, I love Hubs, and I know he loves you....but I get your stance on "lazy" - he may be taking things for granted more than he should, and thus it reflects stress on you). If you feel taken for granted...then how can love and serve him back when he is not serving or sacrificing for you? It's very hard to do. So yeah...don't worry, your venting is understood and supported!

Sorry Redhead. Comic or not...your article got me stirred up - and not in a "attack my husband tonight" kind of way...unless he acted like your article and then I'd really attack him...haha!

ViolinMama said...

Sorry mine is so long....obviously I love adult girl talk, etc and being home with the kids doesn't afford me a lot of it LOL!! I write like I talk....too much!!!!