Monday, May 17, 2010

Almost there

Just a few days until my 10th anniversary. If you're one of my regulars, you know that Joe really screwed up Mother's Day - again. He has some behaviors that aren't acceptable, but I let his history excuse them away. It's not like he's a BAD guy.
I know that his trust issues come from being devastated by his first love. I know that his worth issues come from the horrible things his family said to him. I know that his abandonment issues come from his mother leaving for rehab with nothing really explained to him. I know his over-protectiveness comes from love and being very afraid of losing it - the first true love he has known. I know his self-centered-ness comes from having 2 of the most self-centered people I know as parents. When his mother was living with us she told me she had NO recollection of EVER telling Joe that she loves him. NONE. But that she was inspired by hearing us say it to each other and to her, to say it to us and to say it often. It wasn't, self-centered as she was, that she didn't love him, she just never verbally expressed it. It was quite possible her family never said it to each other when she was growing up either.
So, I know these things so it is hard to not let his crappy behavior get a pass. BUT I've been living with it for about 12 years AND with the words he uses to tell me that he is not the person still held back by those things, that through our relationship he is getting free and is changing. HOWEVER, progress is SLOW or not at all. I'm just tired of excuses all around. His reason for crappy Mother's Day, "It's not you, it's that all Mother's Days have been crappy." What? So one more is OK then? It's OK that because life surrounding us is crap that you don't have to try to carve out something special for me - for our kids to learn?
I'm so sick of hearing him talk, of hearing promises and plans, of excuses and denials. I'm tired of telling him that I want a marriage to the man he says he is & not the man he acts like. I'm tired of being the one to implement the plans for change that we make together only to find out that I'm the only one doing the work. I'm tired of living down to his level. He said a big mouthful of words tonight. I told him that if he went through with it, the actions would go a long way in fixing things for us. We'll just have to see if it happens, frankly I'm not holding my breath. And that makes me sad.

3 comments:

Chibi said...

I'm so sorry. :( Your last line is heart breaking. I hope he's able to follow through with his words and prove to you that he's the man he thinks he is. *squish hugs*

Licia said...

Wow. This is a sad story. I used to be with a guy who was a lame partner and boyfriend and he had a million excuses. I'm not saying he didn't have bad experiences or that I don't understand how those experiences influence how he is now. That's his choice. However, I had a choice to let him be a part of my life or not and I decided to end it. You see, it's not my fault that he's screwed up. It's not my responsibility to put up with that stuff. Six years of loving him and listening to him did not change anything in him, but they sure did some damage to me. I'm not sure if knowing other women have been through it is helpful for you. I hope you are OK.
From a SITSer.

I'm a full-time mummy said...

Hi Cranky Mommy!

Greetings from Malaysia again! Just want to say thank you for dropping by my blog on my SITS day. You can read the aftermath of my whole day SITting episode

at this link:
http://imafulltimemummy.blogspot.com/2010/05/afternath-of-whole-day-sitting.html

Thank you again and hope to see you back here sometime! :D

Warmest Regards,
Jenny aka I'm a full-time mummy
(http://imafulltimemummy.blogspot.com/)