Thursday, April 30, 2009
I'm thankful my sister has found a man who is good for her and for her daughter.
I'm thankful that she's having a wedding of some sort. Even though I would probably do mine differently if I could go back, I'm glad I had that special day.
I'm thankful my husband drove me to the craft store after dark. Even though I would have had more time there if we didn't all have to get ready to go, I prefer not driving so far in the dark.
I'm thankful for having friends who share the crafting bug (went to craft store to buy supplies so we can all do a project together)
I'm thankful that my children love Halloween so much that they looked at one of my stockpiled halloween magazines planning costumes and decorations for more than 30 minutes -nicely and "quietly"
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My children who bring me such joys and challenges as I'd never thought possible
My friends who like to spend the evening crafting
My friends who don't like to spend the evening crafting ;)
That I do have a husband, (rather than having been divorced or widowed)
That my daughters have enough undies to make it through 2 weeks (even though they might not have enough clothes to do so)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I wasn't always. I've been beat down a bit and am in protective mode some so I see how I got here. Now, though, is the time to pull out of it. Now, though, is a time when my brain isn't working so well and my body is exhausted. I simply don't remember to be the friend that I want to be, or worse yet, courses of action don't even occur to me.
But, here's what I also am - scared. It is way less risky to be lazy and self-involved than it is to put myself out there. When phone calls go unreturned, invites go unanswered, or confessions go unsupported, I withdraw a little more. When I see a group of friends getting closer, and I'm not included, I withdraw a little more.
I've spent most of my years being the opposite of lazy and self-involved for my friends. I still never had the closeness I desired and always ended up being used and/or abused in some way.
But here I am now at 31 and I don't know what a healthy friendship is. Yes, I have friends and I don't think any of them are using or abusing me, but I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do. Those specific things I mentioned up there - those have happened to me with my current group of friends. I recently read and article that said not to take those types of things personally, that the other person probably is just busy. That may be the case sometimes, but I think there is something about me that puts out an "unimportant" vibe, or "uninteresting", "tiring", "not friend material" something. I've confessed to having a public persona and here I've just said I was lazy and self-involved so I can see how I can put off a negative vibe - I don't know how to make friends and I'm scared of rejection. I don't know what to do about it and I'm afraid my lack of "skills" is hurting someone.
My husband is home now so I'll post this and continue later.
I'm sure at the heart of it is my jealousy. My sister lives closer to my mother than I do and has always relied on my parents to care for my niece. Sister and niece lived with my parents for several years. When she was a toddler, niece was with my parents constantly even traveling with them when they went out of town. Even now, she sees them almost every day and regularly spends the weekend with them. Keeping up with my niece has been an excuse on many occasions why my parents couldn't visit with my kids.
When my sister started talking about having another baby in the near future, I was upset. Partly because she expects my parents to raise this child too and they're hardly in condition to do it and partly - mostly - because of what it would mean for my kids. I already keenly feel their lower status in my parents' lives, but add a baby to the mix and well, I'm afraid we'll be reduced to holidays only. Which is how it is for some families, but we live only 40 minutes away. I confessed these feelings to my mother and in the nicest way possible she said Too bad, I'm going to choose your sister and any child she has every time.
Recently niece's dad (for future reference, I will probably never call him step-dad as she has no relationship with her bio-father) has been laid off so he has been getting her after school. I can't tell you how many times my mother has told me how much she misses my niece, at any rate, it feels like more than she has told me she misses my kids. When on the phone with my sister early last week, to discuss niece staying with me. I mentioned that I was surprised to find out that on my sister's rare day off work that my niece was staying with my mother. -Yeah [husband] and I wanted to spend some time together today. And mom calls me everyday to ask if she can have [niece] over. She always tells me how much she misses her, how her heart hurts to be away from her so much, so I decided to let her spend today with her since I wasn't letting her stay the whole week [of spring break]. - Really, I say, because when my kids are with them all they talk to me about is how soon I can come pick up the kids. Which is true, there's never been a visit where each phone conversation doesn't include this question. Never a visit where I don't get the distinct feeling they've overstayed their welcome. Which is typically 2 nights every 6 weeks or so. But I blurted that out without even realizing it. I think I said it pretty matter-of-factly. I didn't then and don't now think my sister told me what she did to hurt me, she was just telling me and her reply to me was a sort of shocked moment later, oh well, she's always telling me how much she misses your kids too... - you know the kind of add on statement someone makes when they realize they've stuck their foot in their mouth. Anyway, it wasn't something I meant to say, it probably wasn't something I should have said. I think though, that it was something that was repeated. This time my mom had offered to keep the kids while she had my niece on spring break, but it just wasn't working out so she said she'd keep them a couple of days starting Easter night. On a usual stay, this would mean I'd get them on Tuesday afternoon. But on Tuesday, my husband, seeing my emotional state, called my mom and asked if they could stay until Wednesday, after consulting my dad, she said yes. Then on Wednesday, I asked if we could pick up the kids that evening (when Hubs would be there to drive instead of me) - and she said Yes. Hubs and I both noted several times that we were not asked when we were coming to get the kids. On Wednesday it dawned on me that sister must have said something to mom, although nothing was said to me. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Obviously this post is a little meandering. I just haven't posted in a while and felt I should. Now I feel I should stop! HAHA!
Friday, April 10, 2009
This is her post that I wanted to share last week as my Thankful Thursday post, because I am thankful I found her, I am thankful for her words which are often reflections of my feelings but put more beautifully than I am able, words that help me feel not so alone and words that show me the light side when I am stuck in the dark.
"a bit on being happy….
happiness is not passive.
it does not gently take your hand and
lead you to a magic fountain where you live
happily ever after.
happiness requires action.
happiness takes balls.
it does not care if you need to lose 20 pounds.
it does not care how many designer shoes you have.
it does not care how many times you’ve made the same mistake.
it does not care that you are tired.
it does not care how much money you have.
it does not care how bad he hurt you.
it does not care how dirty your house is.
it does not care how broken you feel.
it does not care what color you are.
it does not care what you did yesterday.
it does not care about the reasons it won’t work.
it does not care that you want to give up.
it does not care that she has more than you.
it does not care how scared you are.
it does not care how many facebook friends you have.
it does not care about what is fair and equal.
and most of all,
it does care about waiting for the right time.
happiness responds to fighters.
the ones that have no reason to hope
but get up each day and love it anyway.
happiness favors those who decide
that instead of being a victim today,
they are going to be the hero
by finding gratitude and grace
even under the most painful of circumstances.
no, happiness is not passive.
it is a kick ass warrior goddess
who is not afraid to rock her own world."
Sometimes in my crankiness, I forget that it's not just about getting rid of the crankys. You do have to get rid of them, but that doesn't equal happiness. You also have to find happiness, and sometimes that can be just as hard.
The number one thing I'm thankful for is that no harm came to us from the woman who came up to our house asked my 5 year old(who was looking out the living room windows) to open our front door.
Friday, April 3, 2009
I'm thankful GR finally coordinated all of her, umm "bodily functions", at the same time so there are no more pull ups, day or night!
I'm thankful AT is the kind of person who always gives people compliments. It's VERY nice to hear "You look beautiful, Mommy" and "You're a good Mommy because you [hug and kiss us/read stories/make food for us/just because]"
I'm thankful AK said he loves me for the first time (he's 20 months old)
I'm thankful Hubs gave the kids a bath last night when I was just too fed up to do it.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I'm thankful that it wasn't my fault the tag was expired.