Thursday, September 17, 2009

Too many blogs

I thought I'd share some thoughts that are in the works or have been expressed already on my other blogs that fit with my intent of this site.
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"So, still not knowing anything about blogging, I started Montessori From Scratch about 13 months ago. I intended, and still do, to make it a place to learn how to, well, do what the title says. I'd hoped to find the materials, time and voice to make it a worthwhile place to visit. But, I've lost my voice somewhere. The poetry that used to flow in my head all day vanished years ago, the witty remarks that I formed in an instant became more and more rare. I'd found exhaustion, brain fog, depression and antipathy. I was too overwhelmed with the 3 kids and all the attention each one needed to make a cohesive lesson plan, to make the materials, do the projects, teach the lessons. I know many people do those things just fine, or even excellently, but not me, at least not the me I had become. It wasn't just the kids, you can read some of my cranky side and marriage tribulations if you're interested. But the plan wasn't working and neither was the blogging. I "gave up" for a while and went back to my natural form of teaching which I'd describe as "casual unschooling." I learned more about my children's learning styles and watched as my eldest grew beyond some of the early Montessori work. I realized that I was firmly on the eclectic side of schooling, which really was no surprise, I'm eclectic in many ways."

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Notice how I said "other blogs"? Yeah, I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that I've got too many to handle properly, but I have a STRONG desire to compartmentalize. It is also sometimes debilitating. Not in any OCD type way, if that were the case, man would my house be organized. Debilitating in that I can take a stack of papers, of which there are many to choose from, and turn it into 14 different categories, or 37 as the real life case may be. Debilitating in that I can spend 2 hours sorting that one stack and look around at all the mess that was there plus the 37 new stacks and feel defeated. Paperwork has kicked my ass. Moving into my husband's house has kicked my ass. Falling into traps of going along with his way and the ensuing power struggles when I realized his way is a wreck, have kicked my ass. And since this has been going on for 11 years, it's kicked me in many other places too. Flylady says just spend 15 minutes, just spend an hour and I think people are supposed to get some sort of pride out of that. Maybe I've become a pessimist, but that just doesn't cut it for me. I dream of taking everything out of this house, finishing all the unfinished projects, fixing all the problems and moving back in 1 box at time. I really dream of living in a different house (although I've become attached to the location, which happens to come with some great neighbors), which may have to happen if the job situation calls for it, but I'd want to do the other thing first so we could actually sell this one. And this has ended up in a place I didn't know I was going, but that's what's on my mind during any free moment. If only I could compartmentalize my thoughts.

1 comment:

ViolinMama said...

Well, remember, the paperwork to be allowed to move is like 500 pages.....so I wouldn't try moving... ;)

So many hugs. I'm sorry, that once again, you feel pulled underwater. Have you had another honest "come to Wife" talks with Hubs? If promises are not kept, and help isn't fully offered as much as you need...then there is still a problem. You deserve to teach as you want, find time for YOU as you need, and a break at night - with routine, yoga, getting out once in a while. It took a mom and dad to make the babies, yet some dads see time with their kids as "babysitting" not parenting. I'm VERY guilty of teaching people how to treat me, but there is wisdom in the statement,,even if I struggle with it.

Have you talked with your family or sister about rotating the kids sometimes, so ya'll get an overnight to maybe have a dinner date together, then work on house projects? Working a little now will make the bigger, rushed projects, easier later. Plus, accomplishments gives birth to peace and empowerment! The kids are always welcome here for a sleepover....

I just think thinking would be easier for you, if you had more help from your 'helpmate'. It's well worth fighting for again...I know it is tiring though....

Much love!