Friday, July 17, 2009

The things facebook can bring up for you

Does any place strike up such strong negative emotions that you'd just as soon have it fall off the face of the earth as have to ever visit it again?
There is a place like that for me and 4 people who make it that way. Just 4 people. 1 is the man who molested my sister and as the therapist helped her discover, my mother before her. 2. now deceased, is my grandmother who married that man when my mother was young. Both of whom told any and every body of his innocence despite the fact that he confessed in a plea bargain. Heaven forbid you should believe a statement made under oath when you have the man himself saying he only confessed to save his beloved granddaughter a second trial. (the first was a mistrial because 1 juror voted not-guilty)
The 3rd and 4th were girls my age, women now. The 3rd is that stereo-typical girl who says she's your best friend to your face and then goes around telling all kinds of lies about you behind your back. And not just yours, but those of many others, too. The 4th was someone I loved as a sister. At the time, probably more than my sister. I moved away (a whole other story) but we remained close. My grandparents brought her as a surprise to my HS graduation (this was before we found out what he'd done 6 years prior. The instruction to "not tell" can have a strong hold on an abused child; my sister and especially my mother can tell you that) We wrote, called and when we entered college, e-mailed. I thought I'd found a friend for life. I moved back to the state and went back into a similar social circle as I'd been in before. This group mostly comprised just those who were either still at home or were at a local community college - and her. She went to a big university. I was working 3 jobs at one point. Paying for rent, saving for that same big university, and waiting to get my residency status back so I could afford that school. At first, I was so busy that I didn't notice any change. "Girl 3" told me some wild tales about "Girl 4", lesbian crushes turned obsessions and threesomes were mentioned several times. I didn't believe her, since I knew her history with the truth. But then I began to notice that Girl4 was blowing off our plans with lies when it turned out she was spending time with her college roommate. Another one of her purported lesbian crushes - you know she had to settle for someone when Girl3 wouldn't consent to more than a 1 time experiment. So I began to wonder if there were the tiniest bit of truth, but saved any conclusion for the words out of Girl4's mouth. We moved in together, but kept growing apart. She'd make or agree to plans and not keep them. Items kept disappearing, though I 100% blame Girl3 for that, I felt like it was probably intentionally "unnoticed" by Girl4. Then one evening, I fixed dinner for Girl 4 and my now husband. As we were eating she started to "jokingly" question me about trysts I had with her ex. Things that never happened. I'm sure we can all figure out her source on that. Whether or not she believed the story, she chose to bring it up in front of my boyfriend to hurt me in some way. And that was pretty much the last conversation we ever had. I started spending more time with Hubs but was still paying 1/2 rent and utilities. I'd made an agreement and intended to stick to it. I also left all my furniture and other items since it would leave her without so much if I'd taken them. She called one day saying she'd found another roommate so I could move out officially. The last call I got from her was a furious message that I took her kool-aid. Which I did not, by the way, it was still in the kitchen drawer, but never mind all the stuff I did leave like cleaning supplies, shower curtain, bath mats, pots and pans, silverware, dishes and a whole dining room set. I never knew what really happened between us. In case you couldn't tell, it still kinda hurts. I think the not knowing is part of it. And the fact that I seem to be SLOW to learn lessons in the friend department.
And what has this all has to do with facebook? I got a friend request from a woman a year younger than me, who I have a vague recollection of as being a beautiful and upbeat person saying "You have NO IDEA how many times I've looked for you on here! How are you, where are you, what are you doing????" And even though I usually blame being a mommy for having a terrible memory, I think I simply have a terrible memory for the everyday parts of life. If there's not some huge emotion attached to it, I probably don't remember it. I "have NO IDEA" why she'd be looking for me on fb so much, I just don't remember much beyond the sparkle in her eye when she smiled (and to clear up any rumors that may be out there thanks to Girl3, no I've never had any lesbian crushes, she just had one of those smiles that you couldn't help smiling back at and I've found that to be a rare quality). Although I might other wise converse with her and maybe accept her friend request, I can't help but wince at her location and the larger fact that both Girl3 and Girl4 are on her friend list.


ViolinMama said...

I'm so

Dawn said...

I'm sorry, too.

Sometimes, it's best just to ignore a friend request. Let them think you're a big city snob now who thinks she's too good for them, because you are too good for people who would hurt you.

Sometimes, you just need to let the past be in the past and I would say her connection to these two women who had hurt you might be too close for comfort.

I'm sorry and I hope you're finding warmer, richer, more fulfilling relationships in your life now.

Hang in there. I know I'm not around much, but I do care.