Monday, May 11, 2009

The Mother's Day that was

On Mother's Day, May 11, 2003 I took a pregnancy test. I knew I was in a position to take the test and made a point of telling my husband I would be taking the test several times during the previous few days. We were in Indiana with my mother visiting her grandmother. TWO STRIPES!!! I WAS PREGNANT!! My husband's clear lack of enthusiasm was written off by me as being due to the fact that I had woken him up to tell him the news. Later when I fully realized he had not gotten me anything I told him I had been hoping he would mark the day by getting me a Mother's Day gift. In a huff, he pulled into a drugstore lot, went in and bought me... a 100 grand bar and an Arizona green tea.
Things didn't necessarily improve over the past few years either. I've told him all I want is to have the morning off from kid duty and to get something that he and the kids made together. I've never gotten the morning off. I've gotten them up, ready and fed every year. I've gotten things they made at school or with me. Year before last he got me 3 cheap potted plants - buying them while I was getting the kids up and going. And actually only 1 was for me the other 2 were for the girls. When I didn't run out and plant them immediately (a week later) he asked me when I was going to. I said I wasn't. That I wasn't happy with a gift that required not only yard work from me, but required me to arrange a time when I wasn't with the baby to take the other 2 out to get totally messy, which I would then have to clean up. A gift that he bought while I was taking care of the kids, which is actually all I asked for. (I knew better at that point than to expect him to do an art project with them)
Last year, I still had to take care of the kids that morning but he did make breakfast. I was angry about that so to "make up for it" I would get to go to my regularly scheduled monthly night out. (Which didn't happen because he basically wanted to punish me because out-of-state family suddenly showed up at my parents that afternoon and I wanted us all to go the whole 33 miles over there to visit them. Even though he got home on Monday an hour before my meet-up time, he was just too busy to watch the kids. What did that "busy" include? Eating dinner, taking an hour long nap, wandering around the house, and an hour and a half to trim his father's nails.) The gift that year was a 6 pack of Hershey's bars. Now, don't get me wrong, I like chocolate. But I don't believe I have ever bought a Hershey bar, aside from s'mores supplies, in the decade we had been together. PLUS every time he buys me candy, he then asks for a small bite and proceeds to eat more than half of it. We have had fights about that. Don't buy me a gift and then ask to have some - and then eat more of it than I do. Guess what he got for Father's Day last year? The same pack of Hershey's Bars. It took him a couple of days to eat them and a couple of weeks to realize what I had done.

So, you can see where my thoughts were this year. One day last week he asked me what I'd like to have. I told him an external drive so I can have all my photos in one place. He kept changing his mind about going to get it. On Friday he complained about all the "crap" that we were doing that was keeping him from what he really wanted to do. The crap included a family trek to a small botanical garden with a miniature train display (for National Train Day, which living "in" Atl (a city built because of the massive amount of rail going through it) and having a local train museum with a short rail ride, I thought there would be more going on but that was it within at least 30 miles of the city) and Mother's Day.
The botanical garden was nice, my parents came, lunch afterwards didn't work out like planned and although we were very close to the store he planned to purchase my gift from, he elected to not go. That evening, he groused again about how terrible this weekend was for him. Did he have to go tonight to get me the present or could he go in the morning? I told him it was more important to me to have the morning off than to have a present; that I didn't like it that he was complaining so much about Mother's Day; that if he didn't want to do anything for me to not do it -(it wasn't like I wasn't used to a crappy Mother's Day). He stormed off and about an hour later left the house leaving very upset children behind for me to deal with. When he returned he was in better spirits and apologized for being so cranky about the plans for the weekend.


ViolinMama said...

I am praying this post is going in the direction I'm wanting it too....what you deserve....cause I love you.

Reading this brings my feelings back to earlier posts on Mother is Cranky...on why I'm so confused he can't push himself to stretch more for you....Reading this makes me ANGRY. You deserve a real Mother's Day and if he can't give that to you, then I'm getting really worried about him as a Hubs. Really. It's one thing to have issues the other 364 days a year, but Mother's Day? Since he lets you be the primary parent every day, the LEAST he could do is be the primary parent on Mother's Day. This history of Mother's Day pasts is so sad, and worrisome. It's really something to confront him about (unless you are leading to another type of Mother's Day reaction finally from him yesterday - a good one)because Mother's Day could be a marker on where he stands for years to come.

I love you!!!! This post breaks my heart...really. I love you guys, but I want to chuck Hubs right now into a jar of the finger paints he SHOULD have had the kids use to make YOU a present you deserved!!!

ViolinMama said...

Oh - I want to reiterate my last ending paragraph there - I do mean it - I love you GUYS. Both. And in that love, I still want to chuck him in paint lol - but I'm not going to walk around mad at him, or not give him a chance. After I posted that I wondered if you could tell that is what I want. I do see the good side of Hubs and I hope for change, and will not sit and judge him and be angry at him constantly. He IS a great person. In so many areas.

That said, I think friends are here (like last week with my mistake) to help with perspective when another shares or asks for it. I do worry he is missing some of the most basic signs of respect for his wife in a marriage, and that it could really hurt your future, kids, etc. I know you probably feel that too, and I think 364 days of the year it is easy to battle for one's marriage, see the hope, talk things out, etc. But, the 365th day - Mother's Day, can really show a husband's character or thoughtfulness (or both, depends on one's man). It can be telling for the other 354 days. You've now had 5 sour ones in a row - in fact the only mother's day for YOU you've ever known. It is almost a gauge for how healthy or not healthy you guys could be right now (if that makes sense) and something to work through now.

That said...still love you both. No judgment, just love (and sure, some annoyance lol!!!) and lots of prayers for changes of heart and behavior!