Thursday, April 2, 2009

Public Persona

A lot of people have a public persona, I think. Even ones who are usually happy and content in their lives have bad days but still have to interact with the world. There are some people who have such a carefully crafted public persona that no one would ever guess what was going on "at home" until something bad happens. But there are less extreme fakers too: they are all smiles and friendly while they steal from you, spread rumors, or plot lies to get out of spending time with you. There are the fakers who seem happy and well off when in fact they are on the brink of financial ruin just to keep up that facade - to impress people who are probably fakers themselves. And then there's your average, run-of-the-mill public persona. The person who can say "I'm doing OK" "Everything's fine" and smile and laugh but really they are sad and feeling isolated, for no good reason except they are depressed. At least I'd like to think of my public persona as being average. The part that can smile and laugh is a real part of me, the part I wish I was more often. And the other part is kinda "fake it to make it". When I'm with my friends, I just enjoy being around them and in a way I forget what's going on and "I'm OK" isn't really such a lie. I feel relaxed, comparatively, when I'm with them. Still, part of me is missing. Part of me has been eaten up by stress, pain, exhaustion and depression. And even though I can shield some of that when I'm with others, it's just that - a shield. It may "protect" them from my darker side but it also keeps some of the good stuff from projecting out too. But, for now, I'll keep it. I need it. It's not that it's not real, just that it allows me to forget some of this other junk.

1 comment:

ViolinMama said...

So much for fasting from the computer the REST of today. LOL I wanted to check in before being gone the rest of the evening at a rehearsal for Sunday.

I know what you mean about personas. I know the days I'm not well, I channel that "fake it till you make it" OR try to channel that average, "find some positive energy" and smile. I've had one of those weeks where I've felt so lonely and angsty (sp?)this week and sensitive that its been hard to function on "average" like you described. Maybe that just magnified the words of the piano teacher and tutoring mom. Some....I still think they meant it, and I have theories why....I'll reply back to you on.

It is easiest with caring friends....I can let go, forget a while, laugh, embrace the happy peaceful me etc. That's why I think most of us, when WITH you, envy your ease with friends. You are the glue that holds many of our "group" together. I hope you never doubt that. You may question it (I do all my relationships, and over analyze lol) but don't doubt it. Kids ages, activities, or school hours may be changing how we meet up and at what times, but the "glue" is there. Plus, I bet all of us would admit to the "average" public persona, even when together. I know we all fear letting too much out, worried it is too much for others (Captivating mentioned that in the earlier chapters....maybe 4 or 5 the fear of being "too much" for others or men) or being too real and scaring people away. Add in the family drama, and we are in chaos about what to vent about, feel, hide, monitor, express. So it is a blessing to find either the precious few, or many, we can be real with at all times, so we don't lose our minds.

I think walls can be good. Personal space is something we naturally have in this country. A culture "thing". Mental walls and shields probably follow the same unwritten rules. I think they become damaging when they handicap. Some weeks they may not, other weeks, they do. When that happens, I'm glad to see you can write about it, make it public, tell a friend, or whoever is listening or reading. I'd love a day when you and I don't need ANY walls, but that probably won't happen...and probably, for now, it is good for you to "protect and shield" if it is allowing you to escape the other junk - but please leave open a back door, or even a doggie door lol. I don't want depression to grab my precious friend back....I love having you in my life and the realness you bring. I love that when you are free, you seem healthier, less stressd, less headachy, less tired. So protect yourself, and I'll do the same as needed some days, but let's pledge to open the doors and air things out as needed to recharge again.

Acting or performing can be so entertaining - but ask anyone who does it professionally, and it is exhausting. Don't exhaust yourself.

I love you!