Saturday, April 18, 2009

Is this really who I am?

I think that I'm probably lazy and self-involved. Great, just what I was aspiring to be.
I wasn't always. I've been beat down a bit and am in protective mode some so I see how I got here. Now, though, is the time to pull out of it. Now, though, is a time when my brain isn't working so well and my body is exhausted. I simply don't remember to be the friend that I want to be, or worse yet, courses of action don't even occur to me.
But, here's what I also am - scared. It is way less risky to be lazy and self-involved than it is to put myself out there. When phone calls go unreturned, invites go unanswered, or confessions go unsupported, I withdraw a little more. When I see a group of friends getting closer, and I'm not included, I withdraw a little more.
I've spent most of my years being the opposite of lazy and self-involved for my friends. I still never had the closeness I desired and always ended up being used and/or abused in some way.
But here I am now at 31 and I don't know what a healthy friendship is. Yes, I have friends and I don't think any of them are using or abusing me, but I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do. Those specific things I mentioned up there - those have happened to me with my current group of friends. I recently read and article that said not to take those types of things personally, that the other person probably is just busy. That may be the case sometimes, but I think there is something about me that puts out an "unimportant" vibe, or "uninteresting", "tiring", "not friend material" something. I've confessed to having a public persona and here I've just said I was lazy and self-involved so I can see how I can put off a negative vibe - I don't know how to make friends and I'm scared of rejection. I don't know what to do about it and I'm afraid my lack of "skills" is hurting someone.
My husband is home now so I'll post this and continue later.


ViolinMama said...

Hey - did you mention to Hubs our plans for today at the RF? We'd love if you all can join us, or meet us!

Oh how alike we are. Both wounded, scared, fearful of rejection. I sometimes react by becoming too clingy, while you feel like withdrawing - and neither ever make us feel better or more secure. In fact, it just makes the voices in our head speak louder and start to convince us they are true. I JUST wrote a mega entry on this (kinda, much like this, and different - since part of it was inspired by an IRL "fight' a friend from HS and I had recently that I stood my ground on) earlier this week (maybe Tues?). I think the voices in our head MAKE us think things are true. You and I really are and have wonderful friends, but when calls don't get returned, or life gets really busy, we assume it is US, and it just makes our minds and hearts go into overdrive and then possibly make those things happen.

As I said...point being once you e-mailed a bunch of us after my b-day revealing some personal truths - and many responded with they always felt you were awesome and you seem to be so sure, real, and so loved by all. I know I did. That is probably what is true for both of us, but the voices in our heads belittle us, make us overthink (I SOOO do unreturned call or e-mail makes me go "what did I do? What did I say???! Man we are a like) and assume we don't matter enough to others. And because I'm not secure enough in my friendships I always assume I'm not worthy, enough, too "wall-ed" off or protected so they don't know me well enough, or want to know me, etc. Then, if I do risk and confess it is how I feel (I feel left out, not close enough, etc) - people respond with "I didn't know you felt that way, I had no idea, I don't get that vibe from you, or even say "thanks for being real and sharing what you feel and I hope I don't make you feel that way but please know how loved you are!" and pretty much ALL of those make me feel like I shouldn't have said anything, or that they think I'm needy now, I risked too much saying what I felt and I start to over think even more. Confessing didn't make me feel better, but I ALWAYS felt/feel I should confess - every time, because of how I think things through.

So, I don't think my view of friendships could be all that healthy either because of how I was wounded. I'm always questioning myself too. But, if I try to see things from their side - I'm sure the voices in my head that I blog about, do color my perspective - and those friends in my life are clueless and think I am just peachy and great, and a wonderful friend. They look at me and say they had no idea I felt that way. They seem to just not THINK as hard as I do. They really do love me. I become my own worst "frenemy" (friend/enemy) and then my reactions to MYSELF may affect the friendships I own worries and insecurities. Not my friends. I put words in their mouths, thoughts in their brains on how they MUST feel about me. I trip myself up, I wall myself, I reach out and cling....or at least I think I do, which in MY mind makes me think I'm not worth it to be their friend and then retreat. In my mind I'm annoying, and I keep over worrying, over compensating, and either withdraw, or cling. I keep myself from embracing the great things I DO HAVE in my life.

I can tell you, even though I've made strides in dealing with my voices and feelings, they don't go away. I'm trying to fill the void by reminding myself of faith, etc....because I can't fill the void. I can't let my "friendship security" affect my moods, and happiness in still does...but I am currently trying to fill the broken parts of me with faith in something stronger than me - because people will ALWAYS let us down. They are flawed as we are. So, I can't keep making pedestals. Sure, I deserve to be loved back....I DO. But I won't always get it, and I have to learn to embrace something higher for myself, or I'll live my life on a cracked foundation that leaves me feeling broken most days of the week.

HA! I'll let you know if I ever find success in that quest LOL.


Cranky Mommy said...

Was that comment from ViolinMama, because I could have sworn I wrote it! HAHA - we are in many ways 2 sides of the same coin.