Thursday, March 19, 2009

Yesterday was weird

I know that part of my issues are due to lack of sleep and another part is what I suspect to be a way crazy hormone cycle and certainly not least is post-partum depression. I don't know which is the biggest factor or if they simply feed off each other. I do know that yesterday was a crazy day. I haven't been on a roller coaster like that in a long while, if ever. It started out with a pretty fair night's sleep. Lots of short wakings and no long ones. Still, I slept longer than I would have liked, an hour past my alarm, but it was an adventure-full hour. I had a "movie" dream and when I woke up I felt compelled to write it. I haven't felt compelled to write in years, close to a decade and that was always poetry.
I spent 3 hours scribbling my dream, in between taking care of the kids of course. My hand was cramped and sore at the end. I felt happy. I felt productive. I felt inspired. INSPIRED! I cried tears in thanking God for that. I evened out, took a shower while the kids ate lunch played with them a bit got the baby down and the girls off to the neighbor's to play. I sat down with a basket of laundry and turned on Oprah. I really shouldn't have done that. You see, it was an episode of the Clutter Crew. An episode in Atlanta. I had applied for it (yesterday's show just showed college students in Atl, but they had asked for homeowners, too). An Oprah staffer gave me notice of when they would be filming, but they never showed up. I was heartbroken. And not because I want to be on TV, I actually do not want to be on TV, I just REALLY want help. January was a hard time for me emotionally. I was still feeling the lows of not finishing Christmas presents in a year when we couldn't afford much. My menstrual cycle was WAY off and as you may have guessed, Hubs and I were not doing so well. In a way that only those who suffer depression could understand - I felt unworthy of help. Watching the show brought a lot of that back for me. I finished the laundry and went to wade through the off season / off size clothes closet in the basement to see if I have anything for AK for spring. Realizing I had not had anything for lunch, I checked on the girls and then started dinner. I don't know why this is, I can either be constantly hungry or forget to eat. When I forget to eat I get sick feeling, anxious and shaky. And cranky. I ate dinner standing up in the kitchen because of this. I still felt shaky but a weird kind of shaky. Like I was too full of energy and had to do something. I took the 3.5 baskets of folded laundry and sorted them all out. The tension of the feelings intensified. I was worried. I was afraid it wouldn't stop, but also afraid it would. Afraid that I'd developed manic depression* as my grandmother had, but afraid of returning to the depression I've been battling since my first was born. I prayed that it was a weird blood sugar glitch. I stretched and clenched my hands and breathed deepy. I even wept a little. Time passed, I don't know how long but surely not more than 15 minutes. Life interceeded and I moved on. This is when I went back down to clean up after dinner, was yelled at by AK and then blogged. The rest of the evening passed in something of a blur but I think I was asleep by midnight. It was just weird: highs, lows, thrills, scares, really like a roller-coaster. I would love a repeat of the inspiration part, but I'm quite sure I could do without the rest.

*The new, I guess PC, term is bi-polar disorder. But having felt that weird shaky gotta-do-something feeling yesterday, manic describes it perfectly.


ViolinMama said...

Why, oh why did I tell you about Oprah. I should have thought it through (usually I do), and I guess since last week overall was "better" with Hubs, etc - I was thinking more of the "trivia" of it all...with her being in the city. I'm really sorry and having been there with emotions and having my own wild days of highs and lows, I should have thought about it! I can be thrown from highs of great peace and intense happiness to a low with a word, a worry, a thought, a conversation. It's been less since the we hit Daylight Savings Time (I think the seasons affect me and hormones/mood).

I pray that soon when Hubs gets his steady job back, you can take advantage of getting your tests done - headaches, hormones, physical, everything. They could also find the right treatment for PPD. I'm sure much of it can helped with good sleep, but how can you get good sleep if your body and hormones are out of whack? It makes everything worse, especially if these things run in your family. Try and eat on time. Maybe a timer? Something to remind you? An activity for the kids to do so you can eat?

Since I've been there, especially with the unworthy feelings and not processing how deserving you are, I know this doesn't mean much - but you are. You are worthy. I'm sorry the staffers don't see it yet - and maybe one day this segment will come back around. Maybe until then you should talk to Hubs about receiving help here - talking to someone together, or you, or arranging with your family or us time for the kids to come here and you guys attack the house as you need? I know it is SO easy to wait on and put off, but maybe, just maybe, if you can, make a plan to maybe get a checkup, or a session to talk about your hormones and emotions? Or, a plan to organize and attack the house every weekend as you need. To help you deal with everything currently, and tap into that inspiration you felt that empowered you? To commit you to putting yourself first finally. Everything is so connected, from your sleep, headaches, cycle, hormones, PPD, and dealing with Hubs and kids.

You. Are. WORTH. IT....and so wonderful too. Let us know if we can help give you some planning time for the house/lessons/whatever. As soon as we are well (again, ugh!) we could do some play dates again this week or next.
You might just have to take control now and get it done instead of waiting. How long can you afford to keep waiting? (I know about avoiding a medical history till benefits kick in, but there has to be more one can do).

But you are worth it and so deserving, and it makes me so sad that it has taken this long too for you to get what you deserve. So much. I want peace for you, and now....right now.

ViolinMama said...

Cool Quote (I know, me and quotes....) that I just stumbled on in the WWW.

“There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time this expression is unique. and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it! It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.” —Martha Graham

However that speaks to you....