Friday, March 13, 2009

Whew, it really does feel better.

I don't know what will become of this blog. I don't know how long I'll keep it up. I don't know if anyone other than my IRL friend will read it. I don't know if it's just that it gets it out of my head or if it's like I'm telling someone else. But it does make a difference that someone else knows and she cares and most importantly that she agrees with me HAHA!
I would like to find out if I'm in this boat alone or if there are other women who have bad marriages with good men. I used to believe in divorce only for extreme circumstances: any sort of abuse, including persistent substance abuse; pursuing criminal activity; adultery. The only one I even have to slightly worry about is adultery and that's more of a self-doubt inspired fear. But here I am, for me the option of divorce has been open for quite some time. I think about what kind of examples we are setting for our kids. I'd hate for my daughters to think husbands are not supposed to do much and are expected to treat their family with anger and resentment. I'd hate for my son to turn out to be that type of man. And me, I'm not such a good example either. My friend gives me too much credit, I think. I too am not behaving the way I want to in my heart. But I don't know how to. And I know how that sounds. I should just do it. Fruitless labor, though isn't any sort of motivator. When I get to a place where I can see "the point" through the fog of depression, I usually encounter so many challenges and set backs, that I quickly loose sight of the big picture and I give up. I "give in" to depression and I "give way" to living according to hub's model. It makes me feel "weak and small" and worthless. I'm not Catholic, but my friend is and she has been reposting Faith & Family's Lenten guides on her blog. For the most part, they have resonated with me, but today, I don't get it. I'm sure they must be meant in the context of personal relationships with God, but I'm having a hard time seeing them outside my little world of "at the moment"

"Fast: Don’t argue today. As much as possible give up, give in, give way.

Pray: Ask God to show you how weak and small you are. Open your heart to see it."

And now that I've wandered far off the course this post started out on, I think I'll take a break from thinking about the junk and focus on what I'll write for a post I meant to do yesterday.


ViolinMama said...

Hello! IRL here :)

Hey - again, so glad you've relieved some pressure by posting here. I hope you don't close it...but keep it around for times you need it. Like Murphy's law, as soon as you close it, you might need it again.

As for giving you TOO much credit, I think it is more a desire to not "brow beat" as most of my venting was yesterday on your last entry to the 'other party'. You credit yourself by being honest and real about where you struggle or give up. You do so opening yourself up to ideas or advice to anyone reading. You are not blind to yourself in this. I did not want to brow beat that. Especially when I know how low you are, and the effort to do more is fogged up, and weighted down.

I have NO idea what it is like to be depressed by my marriage. I know we all get worn down, and exasperated and venting is normal, but I'm not depressed because of my marriage. But I have had periods of depression in my life where getting out of bed to face the same people being toxic to me and my soul was almost impossible. In those times, even faith wasn't the sustainer for me. I think at that period in my life it was more like the famous Footprints poem.

You've even given me sage advice on dealing and being honest with one area of my life (the one who pushes buttons). And, my daily struggle is feeling so open, weak, and raw that I too questioned on my blog about the "pray" meditation. I actually decided to pose as "Private" and address our questions together (as one person), to see if anyone has any deeper ideas to help us. I'll alert you to any responses.

To go back to your comment that you are not behaving the way you want in your heart and fruitless labor makes one unmotivated. Again, I give you credit for being open on that. I'm not trying to give too much of course. I remember you and I talking in my house once about not teaching other to treat us a certain way, and you don't want your kids to feel like they have to pretend away their feelings in their relationships like you feel you had done in trying not to nag. I'm just crediting you for seeing things more, and dealing with the burden of "getting" it, better than Hubs.

As for the challenge of trying one thing a day (a la Love Dare) I mentioned yesterday, was more not to make you feel fruitless, but to maybe give you some empowerment. Again, I have not been in a rock bottom marriage - and I while I really hate divorce - you bring up VALID points on not letting your kids have the wrong examples and grow up reflecting the wrong traits for others. That is huge. It is something you need to pray/reflect on. The one thing a day was, as I was just saying, something if you could try, you would at least know you really are doing something, and HE can't claim you are fruitless and not trying. That can give you hope and empowerment. Maybe, even affect his heart and desire to correct his ways too. It is something you can do living separated too, if you had to do that for the kids for now. These are just ways to try to attempt before the "D" word.

I have the book for skimming. the idea behind it was for the person who has hit bottom, is done, but has that little wish to try and fight for the marriage, at least for one last month and a 1/2 (40 days). Things you can do living together, or when you see each other. Just to give it one last try. Maybe if anything, he could finally agree to couple's therapy. But, you do have to decide on how toxic things are day to day to see if you should be there for the kids right now. If they are seeing too much, then a break from the situation while you two work it out could help you feel less stressed on what the kids are seeing and feeling.

Maybe a question(s) for you, or possibly an entry is What do you think it will take for Hubs to "get it" and what do you need in order to feel up to the fight (the fight for your marriage)? Is there a part of you that wants to stay married (not to who you both are now, but to what brought you to the alter 10 years ago and what you want to be on the same team with). Another question - are you at the place where you need to move out to heal and for the kids? Or are things ok for now to wait for Hubs to try. Has Hubs talked more about seeing someone trained in all this?

I just don't want you to regret giving up and divorcing one day without fighting for it (it being marriage, not fighting each other for it). I've been praying that eventually you can fight for it together. But, as a mother, I know this may need to be done living separately if you need the kids to have a break on what they see. They come 1st to help you put yourself first in this fight. You should not stay in the same place for them to see you both if they will be so affected as you work things out and till things get better. I also know when feeling worn out and depressed and depleted, I also know how impossible my words are sounding. I wish I could fix that :( So, I may be speaking nonsense here.

You I end this, cause again I just occurred to me. Maybe we are NOT in a place where we can stop arguing with our spouse. It's impossible today, this Lent, whatever. Maybe we just have to take a break today from arguing with ourselves, and just give up that pressure, give in to knowing how powerless we really are, and give way to some hope. Gotta look for the positive right? The upward spiral?

And, maybe we already know how weak and small we are, and our hearts are open (open bleeding wounds lol). But keep them open for some hope?

If I hear other views on those, I'll let you know.

Lots of hugs and prayers....I love you!

Oh, and you ARE worth fighting for...whether Hubs ever does it or not.

ViolinMama said...

I'm behind pasting in the Lenten med's for the weekend, but - HAHA...there seems to be a recurrent pattern for marriage the last few days. God has an interesting sense of humor, or is trying to send a message lol. I'll try and do a catchup post tonight or tomorrow with them. I've been trying to put in some "everyday" entries this weekend too.