Friday, March 27, 2009

Old purses

I have a thing for purses, not a major thing just a small one and I'm really good at not acting on my impulse to buy them. I'm also good at getting rid of old worn out purses - that is once I get around to actually cleaning them out. I have a canvas purse that I got to use in place of having both a purse and diaper bag. It's large and has lots of compartments. I got tired of its plain-ness and went back to the dual bag method for more than a year. But it's time to bring it back as I'm just not in a "looking cute" mood lately. Clean and functional are my goals. So I got the bag out of the closet to finally clean it out so I can launder it. I found lots of un-used kleenex, kids' hair accessories, crayons - 2 handfuls, receipts and a blue M&M. I ate the M&M. So far I'm still alive. That is how bad I needed a chocolate fix. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless I start to go through those purses specifically to find lost M&Ms. I also found what appears to have been a french fry. I didn't eat that, aren't you proud?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful I have children who for some reason think salad is a treat - no really. Once I bribed them to eat their greens by offering salad as a reward.
I'm thankful I have a husband who will go grocery shopping.
I'm thankful that I'm able to work on my criticism of when/how he goes grocery shopping.
I'm thankful that my parents will take my kids overnight every 6 weeks or so.
I'm thankful that I had enough file folders to make my 30something categories of papers that were on my kitchen counter.
And lastly, at this moment, I'm thankful for Malibu rum and Mango Mojito mix.
Thank you that's all.
except that, I realize how that last one may sound but I'm leaving it as is.

Cranky Thursday

Thankful Thursday will follow, right now I need to be cranky / confess my crankies

I had a hard day on Tuesday, I'm not exactly sure what made it extra hard, hormones most likely. We had a picnic lunch invite but it took us more than an hour and 2 time outs before we left the house - to walk next door. Then AT wanted to stay to have quiet time with Radiant (am I remembering the nickname right?) Which I thought would be great because then GR and I could have some quality time together while AK napped. Nope, she was only interested in computer time, nothing else enticed her. And I indulged her, she's new to the computer and can't get on without battling AK who wants to bang the keys and AT who wants to tell her how to do everything / talk her out of her turn. I got dinner going at a decent time and it was delish. The kids agreed, but you'd never know by how long it took them to eat it. Hours of arguing about eating later and it's time to clean up and go to bed. Hours of arguing later and it's time to get in bed and still get 1 story (I have a hard time cutting that out) The girls both kept climbing on their doll-baby bed boxes. Over and over. They have had these doll-baby beds since Christmas '07. For a while, the beds weren't put together because I didn't have the time. After a while, it was because I'd seen a pattern of behavior - standing on top of the boxes. Daily. Everyday for more than a year, I've caught them standing or sitting on these boxes. This is an issue because the beds are slightly delicate and I don't want them to stand or sit on them once assembled. They needed to learn to resist the temptation of doing this, that would earn them the assembly of the beds. Am I wrong? Is this too much to expect of a 5 and 3 year old? But after a hard evening of whining and arguing, both girls repeatedly sat or stood on the boxes, right in front of me. One pattern was AT came in from the bathroom, directly to the box and sat down. Get off the box. She gets off puts a nighttime pull-up on, stands to pull them up, but instead sits on the box. Get off the box. She pulls up the pull-up, steps on the box to go to her closet. Get off the box. She gets her night gown, and sits on the box. GET OFF THE BOX. She puts on her nightgown, gets socks and This whole thing takes about as long as it took you to read it. Seriously, she's 5, I ought to be able to expect her to remember something she's been told daily for more than a year, something that she just heard repeatedly told to her sister, something that I've JUST told her several times. I lost it. THAT'S IT WE'RE GETTING RID OF THE BABY BEDS AND YOU CAN NEVER HAVE THEM. I'M SICK OF YOU TREATING EVERYTHING LIKE TRASH. I took the boxes downstairs then went back up and told them I was tired of the arguing and whining that they needed to get in bed right now, if they still didn't have everything they wanted in bed that was too bad and I didn't want to see or hear them again until I got them up in the morning. I seethed in the hallway for a few moments, unable to catch my breath. Angry at them, angry at myself. Then went down stairs and cried. I don't know what happened to the beds but they aren't in my sight now. This morning, I told my mom she had to take them back. Wednesday, we started working on answering with "Yes Ma'am, I'll [repeat instruction] right now."
GR started getting smacky {this means she started smacking her sister} so I made her take a nap while AK did. AT and I layed in my bed I dozed while she watched Arthur. I was woken up by a phone call. Hubs rear-ended someone. Hubs has had 5 accidents and numerous speeding tickets in our 10 years together. He insists that he is a good and safe driver. I squinch my eyes and clench my fists when I'm riding with him. We argue about his driving.
The insurance cards are not in the car. and BONUS - the tag is expired. I spent the weekend feeling defeated by paperwork I went through everything and ended up with 37 file folders / categories of paperwork that was on my kitchen counter - not a single one of those envelopes was a tag renewal notice. (none were mortgage statements either (which are autopay) - something is going wrong with the mail either before it gets to the box or while it is waiting for us to get it out). As if I don't feel bad enough over my recent scatterbrain-ness with the bills, as if I wasn't already mad at Hubs for racking up more than $400 in bank nsf fees, just a week after I asked him if he had enough $ in his account. As if he hasn't had a real job in the last 9 months and we're running out of savings. As if I didn't see a glint at the end of the tunnel.
That's what makes it hard for me. Not feeling knocked further down than I was. I was a terrible mom the day before. I'm terrible with physically keeping up with bills that I do get, so it's impossible for me to keep up with the ones I don't even get. Hubs has spent thousands on bank fees due to lack of checking his balance over the years, thousands on paying for the consequences of his bad driving. I really want to crawl in a hole and say what's the point. So after I make/eat/clean up dinner, get the kids to put away toys, bathed, in jammies, in bed and what ever else comes up, I'll do Thankful Thursday.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Yesterday was weird

I know that part of my issues are due to lack of sleep and another part is what I suspect to be a way crazy hormone cycle and certainly not least is post-partum depression. I don't know which is the biggest factor or if they simply feed off each other. I do know that yesterday was a crazy day. I haven't been on a roller coaster like that in a long while, if ever. It started out with a pretty fair night's sleep. Lots of short wakings and no long ones. Still, I slept longer than I would have liked, an hour past my alarm, but it was an adventure-full hour. I had a "movie" dream and when I woke up I felt compelled to write it. I haven't felt compelled to write in years, close to a decade and that was always poetry.
I spent 3 hours scribbling my dream, in between taking care of the kids of course. My hand was cramped and sore at the end. I felt happy. I felt productive. I felt inspired. INSPIRED! I cried tears in thanking God for that. I evened out, took a shower while the kids ate lunch played with them a bit got the baby down and the girls off to the neighbor's to play. I sat down with a basket of laundry and turned on Oprah. I really shouldn't have done that. You see, it was an episode of the Clutter Crew. An episode in Atlanta. I had applied for it (yesterday's show just showed college students in Atl, but they had asked for homeowners, too). An Oprah staffer gave me notice of when they would be filming, but they never showed up. I was heartbroken. And not because I want to be on TV, I actually do not want to be on TV, I just REALLY want help. January was a hard time for me emotionally. I was still feeling the lows of not finishing Christmas presents in a year when we couldn't afford much. My menstrual cycle was WAY off and as you may have guessed, Hubs and I were not doing so well. In a way that only those who suffer depression could understand - I felt unworthy of help. Watching the show brought a lot of that back for me. I finished the laundry and went to wade through the off season / off size clothes closet in the basement to see if I have anything for AK for spring. Realizing I had not had anything for lunch, I checked on the girls and then started dinner. I don't know why this is, I can either be constantly hungry or forget to eat. When I forget to eat I get sick feeling, anxious and shaky. And cranky. I ate dinner standing up in the kitchen because of this. I still felt shaky but a weird kind of shaky. Like I was too full of energy and had to do something. I took the 3.5 baskets of folded laundry and sorted them all out. The tension of the feelings intensified. I was worried. I was afraid it wouldn't stop, but also afraid it would. Afraid that I'd developed manic depression* as my grandmother had, but afraid of returning to the depression I've been battling since my first was born. I prayed that it was a weird blood sugar glitch. I stretched and clenched my hands and breathed deepy. I even wept a little. Time passed, I don't know how long but surely not more than 15 minutes. Life interceeded and I moved on. This is when I went back down to clean up after dinner, was yelled at by AK and then blogged. The rest of the evening passed in something of a blur but I think I was asleep by midnight. It was just weird: highs, lows, thrills, scares, really like a roller-coaster. I would love a repeat of the inspiration part, but I'm quite sure I could do without the rest.

*The new, I guess PC, term is bi-polar disorder. But having felt that weird shaky gotta-do-something feeling yesterday, manic describes it perfectly.

Thankful Thursday

It's Thursday and I remembered to do this post so I'm thankful for that!
I'm thankful for Hubs' help on Monday.
I'm thankful I tried a new cooking method and it worked out and tasted good.
I'm thankful for my friends and being able to go out with them once in a while.
I'm thankful to hear that there is a theory that there are 7 areas of home making, that we are only good at 2, ok at 3 and sucky at 2. I think that makes anyone feel better.
I'm thankful, so so thankful, that I felt inspired to be creative yesterday morning in a way I haven't felt it in YEARS.
I'm thankful for Violin Mama who invited the girls to play yesterday afternoon while AK napped.
I'm thankful to hear she was finally diagnosed for her nagging cough and that she should feel better soon - her house has been sick SO long!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Whew, it really does feel better.

I don't know what will become of this blog. I don't know how long I'll keep it up. I don't know if anyone other than my IRL friend will read it. I don't know if it's just that it gets it out of my head or if it's like I'm telling someone else. But it does make a difference that someone else knows and she cares and most importantly that she agrees with me HAHA!
I would like to find out if I'm in this boat alone or if there are other women who have bad marriages with good men. I used to believe in divorce only for extreme circumstances: any sort of abuse, including persistent substance abuse; pursuing criminal activity; adultery. The only one I even have to slightly worry about is adultery and that's more of a self-doubt inspired fear. But here I am, for me the option of divorce has been open for quite some time. I think about what kind of examples we are setting for our kids. I'd hate for my daughters to think husbands are not supposed to do much and are expected to treat their family with anger and resentment. I'd hate for my son to turn out to be that type of man. And me, I'm not such a good example either. My friend gives me too much credit, I think. I too am not behaving the way I want to in my heart. But I don't know how to. And I know how that sounds. I should just do it. Fruitless labor, though isn't any sort of motivator. When I get to a place where I can see "the point" through the fog of depression, I usually encounter so many challenges and set backs, that I quickly loose sight of the big picture and I give up. I "give in" to depression and I "give way" to living according to hub's model. It makes me feel "weak and small" and worthless. I'm not Catholic, but my friend is and she has been reposting Faith & Family's Lenten guides on her blog. For the most part, they have resonated with me, but today, I don't get it. I'm sure they must be meant in the context of personal relationships with God, but I'm having a hard time seeing them outside my little world of "at the moment"

"Fast: Don’t argue today. As much as possible give up, give in, give way.

Pray: Ask God to show you how weak and small you are. Open your heart to see it."

And now that I've wandered far off the course this post started out on, I think I'll take a break from thinking about the junk and focus on what I'll write for a post I meant to do yesterday.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Yes, I am

I need an outlet to be cranky and whiny. I keep it to myself too much, because I know no one really wants to hear it. And really, I don't want to pour it out to my friends because I have a hard enough time participating without being labeled negatively. I hope that blogging about it will help to get it out of my system and maybe I won't feel so cranky.

I've been married for almost 9 years, together very nearly 11. And it's falling apart.
We have 3 kids 2 girls, 5&3 and a boy 21 months.
My basic complaints consist of persistent daily headaches for the last 17 years, though I suspect more because of my 5 yo and memories of not being able to keep my head up in grade school and getting in trouble for it; insomnia/interruptions when ever I get a chance to sleep; and my husband. I'm sure he has plenty of complaints about me but this is my blog! Also, really, he is a good man. There's no abuse, no drugs, no alcohol (well, there's a normal amount of occasional alcohol), no cheating (that I know of). We just "live" differently and don't get along very well anymore.